


i love you for free (disgrace, sweet disgrace)

by heecheondo (HChnD)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: (yes there is more smut), 4+1, :D, Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Ambiguous Relationships, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Car Sex, Chest Binding, Child Neglect, Clubbing, Come Swallowing, Dark Past, Drinking, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Flashbacks, Friends With Benefits, Homophobia, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm still bad at summaries, In a way, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, Loss of Virginity, Lost Boys, M/M, Multi, My First Smut, No Plot/Plotless, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Linear Narrative, Oral Sex, Overthinking, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Peace, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post Break Up, Prequel, Prequel and sequel, Questioning, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Fanaticism, Sequel, Sexuality Crisis, Smoking, Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Voyeurism, altho inside this fic we can find, and tags are just as confusing, as in, because I cant explicitly write smut, besides Disgrace AU i mean, but it's stronger than me, but less, but only kinda, but there also is, caused by said binding, extra tags from chapter 5's smut, i still dont know what im doing with this au, im a baby who cant smut so dont keep high expectations, it'll make sense later, its within chapters, kin...da...., mentions of vomiting, minor injury, most are non-explicit, or do they now, read disgrace pt1, so we're back to my bs, sorry - Freeform, stan ATEEZ, still dunno how to call it, the f-slut makes a tiny reappearance, they still dont label their thing, unsafe binding, who are trying to find themselves, winks in slow motion, write for ateez, written by impulse, yeosang doms in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2019-11-17 15:17:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 49,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18101120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo
Summary: The five of them knew that moving forwards was hard when you are still stuck in the past, but it wasn't like there was another option.Alternatively, how Yunho, Yeosang, San, Mingi and Wooyoung deal with their demons to finallychange.





	1. jeong yunho, the sweet lucky bastard

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [goddamnit, i love you (disgrace)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218097) by [heecheondo (HChnD)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HChnD/pseuds/heecheondo). 



> [yahoo! answers]: HELP, I ACCIDENTALLY SOLD MY SOUL TO ONE OF MY SELF MADE AU?????????  
> ok so. hi. i'm back to my disgrace 99z bullshit ;D  
> if you follow me on my twitter you'll know that the two/three weeks after i posted the first disgrace au story i couldn't shut up about it. and honestly i only stopped tweeting so much about it because it was annoying everyone. me included. because, like, that au is so weird and spontaneous and kinda messy but somehow it grew on me????? and gOD I GOT SO MANY NICE COMMENTS AND CC MESSAGES - AND SOME WERE THOSE SUPER LONG ONES - AND I CRIED SO MUCH BECAUSE it really grew on me THAT much and it made me SO happy that so many people liked it as much as i did.... and, well, since i wanted to blab more about this universe, and many people commented that they wanted to see more of this universe, i... delivered.  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> this story is both a prequel and a sequel so yes, **you have to read part one first to fully understand it**. also, this is a little heavier than that story (dont be mad at me, the first part was supposed to be _this_ heavy as well), please check the tags for that as well as chapter initial notes for anything that might trigger you! but at the same time it is ALSO softer than that first story because..... well, read to understand ;D  
> this is divided into chapters for different povs of the five of them, uploaded in age order (safe for san) and it contains a lot of flashbacks from their past, from after their runaway but before san joining, as well as scenes from after part one _mixed_.......... i wanted to keep the play the first part had of current/past, but now there are FIVE back stories....... it felt better for me to cut them for each character rather than make this as a single piece that kept alternating not only between time but BETWEEN POV............ if i had done it in one chapter like that, it might confuse you more soooooo not that sorry but still... sorry... also, i didnt ask anyone to proofread this because its creation was such a fucking mess (i wrote multiple scenes at the same time and sometimes left gaps to be written later within said scenes) so,,,,,,,,,, yeah,,,,,,,,, but i did proofread myself a LOT and revised the words and added extra descriptions to make sure that there was some clear evidence of where that scene was within the timeline, and also, even having some parts and chapters finished before others i decided to only start posting once i already had nearly 80% done (so i was finishing up chapter 4 (actually three because i wrote these first four chapters out of order LOL)) and before posting i did a throughout revision because i want the final piece to be fluid and make sense as a whole. this is in chapters but still is a single piece for me? so i treated it as one. the final chapter literally only have 10 words though (it's slightly different from the others, hence why i decided to tag 4+1 and why i needed the previous chapters to be finished first to start it) so maybe i'll edit the previously posted chapters a bit while i work on that. sorry! it probably wont be anything huge though, but i still want things to be fluid and make sense as a whole! so if it feels necessary, i will make minor edits.  
> title is also lowkey based off the same song the previous song was, [baco exu dos blue's te amo desgraça](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeO5EBBCPm0)  
> hope this did the first part justice ;___; enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [im_so_tired_by_lauv_and_troye_sivan.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvjpE_wFL5A)
> 
> [crying_in_the_club_by_camila_cabello.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dppjr1QAZhM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! so, as you can see the tags of this work are full and it doesn't apply to all of the chapters (although some does, like Explicit Language and, obviously, most tags shared with part one), so these notes are here to specify what applies to where. feel free to tell me to add something that should be warned! anD ALSO! i tried to assign **at least a song** per member, as seen in summaries, but i got too excited about that and they now have two each. feel free to listen to it as the stories goes uwu i did my best to not put songs in languages other than english Especially so you could feel the lyrics while reading so. yeah, go music. this is the first time I tried mixing song to my writing in this way (kind of making a playlist) soooooo idk if it'll be the greatest thing. idk  
>   
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN: Unhealthy Relationships (romantic and friendship/post breakup), Dependency (as in on a person/relationship), (bad) Break Up, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mentions of Clubbing (used as the UCM), Overthinking, Explicit Language, Explicit Sex, Car Oral Sex, Jung Wooyoung, some mentions of Voyeurism kink but none actually happens, Face-Fucking, Come Swallowing. yay we love starting things with filth! oh and #myfirstsmut.  
> if you dont wanna read the sex i've **bolded** the first sentence of when it starts and the last one, it's not super plot relevant despite having Plot Hints in it uwu i wont be mad if you skip

Yunho always considered himself to be extremely lucky. His family was accepting of his preferences, he had kind parents and an adorable younger brother, and they were happy. He was happy. Everything was perfect.

But Yunho didn’t feel like that, despite it all, he wasn’t really, _truly_ happy. He felt bored, frustrated, _trapped_. He had no idea when his perfect life became so bothersome, but once he did, he wanted to break free.

Yet that wasn’t something he could easily do. He had his family who worried for his well being, friends he loved to hang out with, university to attend to. He had responsibilities. He couldn’t simply vanish, despite wishing it deep down.

He was the type of person who always planned first, who always overanalyzed every single thing, who always thought about a single thing over and over again to make sure nothing would fail.

And when he acted by impulse, and when he rarely didn’t think, it always worked well. Because he was simply that lucky.

“I’m getting the hell out of this town”, Mingi once told him. Yunho blinked his eyes in confusion, not fully understanding it.

“Why?”

“I can’t take the judgement eyes I get everywhere I fucking go”, he said with poison in his tongue, but it wasn’t at them. It was at the town, at his ex, at the strangers who saw him as a sinner, as impure. The older could understand to some extent what Mingi was going through, but also, he was lucky. He didn’t understand it all. He would never. Because he was too lucky.

“If you’re leaving you better take us with you”, Wooyoung was the one who spoke, eyeing the slightly older with serious eyes. “Don’t you dare turn your back at us.”

Yunho noticed how the other suddenly tensed, probably not expecting that at all. But also, something else bothered him. “Us?”

The youngest looked at him with a brow up. “Duh. Of course us. No way in hell I’m staying in here and I can see you don’t like here either”, he left a scoff before continuing. “Don’t tell me you want to stay here, after complaining so much about being done with all of this.”

“Yeah, but I can’t just walk away--”

“Yunho-yah”, he kept going. “It’s all over your face. The frustration, the boredom. The only thing stopping you is your attachment, but is this worth it? Is _he_ really worth it, after everything that happened?”

He didn’t reply to him right away. Instead, it was Mingi who cleared his throat and seemed reluctant to take them, seemingly concerned about them. The older of the trio was thankful for his worries, but Wooyoung didn’t take it well because _hey, forgot I’m on the same boat as you_? But he didn’t argue or get mad at him for too long, despite visibly being disappointed, he decided to not bother too much and change the subject.

Yunho hated how much the younger was right. It was like he was a children’s book, easy to read and interpret in a single sitting, with him describing exactly what he felt. And it kept pestering him for hours.

“Can you believe that she said that to me? When I’m literally her elder _and_ senior by two whole years?”, Hongjoong’s voice hit his ears, waking him from his overthinking. _Ah_ , yes, the older frequently visited him to hang out, something he didn’t particularly hate, but it was kind of a bother at times. It was awkward, considering their history. At least _for him_ it was awkward. Hongjoong, however, didn’t seem to mind any of that if it meant spending some time with his favourite dongsaeng.

That was probably what bothered him the most.

“The audacity of this bitch”, Yunho replied in a low tone, not actually caring or listening any of the older’s words about this random underclassman. But he supposed it was the right thing as he heard him laugh loudly in agreement, keeping up with his monologue.

It was obvious that his hyung still loved him. He had never learned to let him go, even after the breakup, but he supposed it was his fault as well. Yunho was so used with him being clingy, to be dependent on him, be it as a friend or as a boyfriend, that he didn’t set any boundary. And that was probably exactly what Hongjoong needed to finally forget him. Because it didn’t matter his reminders that they will never actually marry, that he’d never see him like that again, that his love had been completely worn out, _he still didn’t understand and cling to the taller_. He didn’t see an issue with this because they were best friends before boyfriends, and just because they broke up it didn’t mean they needed to stop being friends, right?

Except that he was the same. He still valued Yunho’s words religiously, refused to get jobs that required him to go out of town because he was here, didn’t give chance to other people because they weren’t Yunho, disliked how much Yunho went out to, as he liked to call it, _rest_ , and would always take care of him like he was still his sweet boyfriend who needed all the love in the world.

It was tiring.

“I’m leaving this town”, he suddenly blurted out, voice quiet as if he was tired, and maybe he indeed was. Watching and hearing Hongjoong talk for so long made him realize how _tired_ he was of the life he had, how everything bored him. He wanted something new, he wanted to be unsure of what was waiting for him. He wanted some adrenaline.

Wooyoung was right. And he wanted to leave with him and Mingi.

“What?”, the older finally said, face smiling but still reflecting the confusion he felt deep down. “What do you mean, you’re leaving the town?”

Yunho shrugged. “Mingi said he wants to leave, and Wooyoung and I are joining him”, he said fiercely, as if he hadn’t decided minutes ago to actually do it.

Hongjoong’s frown gradually increased as he kept staring as if the younger suddenly had a grown another head. “Why?”, he opted to ask.

He sighed, ignoring the real answer. _Because everything in here bothers me, makes me feel trapped. Because_ you _make me trapped, hyung._ “Bored, I guess. I feel like I need something new.”

Yunho stared at the other as he kept looking at him with the same confused, hurt eyes. “Will you simply leave everything you know behind because _you are bored_? And where even are you headed to, did Mingi tell you that? That is completely reckless, Yunho-yah!”

He couldn’t answer him. He couldn’t do it because he had a very valid point. Yunho wasn’t one to act by impulse, always carefully thinking and planning. He was everything but reckless, but there was him, doing just that. “I’ve made up my mind, hyung.”

“Take me with you then.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

The younger didn’t have an answer. Actually, he did, he just refused to give it to the other. And so he kept quiet.

He stared at the tall man, face as sad as one of a kicked puppy. “You can’t do this to me.”

Yunho took a deep breath. “This isn’t about you.”

He decided to stop discussing, knowing it would be to no avail. Hongjoong couldn’t understand, wouldn’t understand, and his mind would not be changed. So he just let the subject die and change, the tension remaining between them.

That was the last time he saw him. In a couple of days he had packed some of his stuff and went to Mingi’s - who was in his van with not only Wooyoung, who had been living with him, but also Yeosang -, asking if it wasn’t too late to join them.

The younger of the three smirked at that, deeply pleased. He could see that he wasn’t the only one happy with his presence, as the driver smiled warmly too, pointing at the passenger seat. “You’re fashionably late, but to your luck, there’s a seat saved especially for you.”

 

 

 

 

 

He sighed, opening his eyes. It was night but they were outside, at the local beach. San loved it, and so did Yeosang, so they decided to stop for a couple of days. Yunho himself wasn’t super fond of the sea, but also, he had to admit it was pretty calming. Seeing the others have fun was pretty calming, and it filled his heart with warmth.

He was still thinking deeply about what San and Mingi had told them a few days ago. Yunho was so used of relaxing on his own way that he caught himself forgetting mundane things. Before, he would always think twice, thrice, ten thousand times before doing something he’d consider reckless. But it’s been an entire year now that the four of them had been doing reckless things without the worry, without thinking much about it. And there was now San, who fit so well it felt like they’ve been always like this, they were always five. As it was meant to be. And it probably was.

“It’s been ages since I last saw you like that”, a deep voice laughed beside him, a voice that unmistakably belonged to Mingi, who decided to sit beside the older.

“Like what?”

“Overthinking”, he quietly replied, a small smile on his lips. “I don’t hate it, by the way.”

He scoffed. “If you did I’d fight you, because you were the one who caused it. After the whole responsibilities talk.”

The younger laughed loudly at that and Yunho felt his heart get warmer. “You’re welcome, maybe. Not sure if that was a good thing.”

“It was. It definitely was. We all needed a reality check and I doubt anyone else would do it.”

He eyed as Mingi bit the inside of his cheeks. Damn, he was agreeing with him. He _knew_ no one else would have said a thing if he didn’t talk it out to San and it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He wasn’t the oldest, yet he was the one always taking responsibility, one that wasn’t necessarily his. But he blamed this entire situation on himself, which made him take it fully for himself.

Yunho hated that. They were all equally fucked up, and it wasn’t because of just one of them, they were _together_ in this mess they’ve created. Hell, it _wasn’t_ Mingi’s fault, he didn’t need to be the only one responsible for the five of them. He tried to help them, in his way, for the suffering to end. They’ve all been deeply harmed when they decided to run, and Mingi could have ignored it and ran alone. But he didn’t.

“I’m thankful for you”, he confessed with a whisper, staring at the blue haired. He wasn’t looking at him but once those words hit his ears he slowly turned at his direction, surprised to hear it. “Really. I know that comparing to the rest of you, my life was pretty easy, but I’m glad I left that shithole behind. And, God, _you’re so fucking strong for leaving_ , and taking all of us with you? You could’ve said no but you knew we were also very fucked up back then and even if you didn’t have the best resource to keep the four of us together you still didn’t say no and tried to help. You’re awesome as fuck.”

“ _Please_ , you flatter me too much”, he scoffed in a weak voice. Yunho decided to rest his hand on Mingi’s, linking their fingers. The younger raised his head to look at him and he looked so unnecessarily small.

“Don’t blame yourself for things you can’t control. You tried to do what was good not only for you but for us too. And for that I’m thankful.”

He stared at the other’s eyes in silence, who did the same, a calming silence emerging around them.

“The sea!!! We’re on the sea!!! Come on, you stupid gays, come have some fun too!!!!!!”

“San-ah, you’re literally gay yourself.”

“And so are you, Wooyoung, shut up! Come _on_!!!! It’s the sea!!! _The sea_!!!!!”

“Who the fuck fed sugar to this kid”, Mingi whispered to himself.

Yunho laughed at that. “I think the salt has affected his brain. Well, better we go before he comes here and tries to throw us at the sea.”

The younger scoffed. “He’s literally the weakest out of us.”

“Are you listening to yourself right now?”, he raised a brow. “He might be weak but not the weakest. That’s _you_. And I wouldn’t try luck when it comes to Choi San.”

Mingi pouted. “Fair. Let’s go, then.”

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, commitment was scary. It was probably why his love for Hongjoong ended. Why, despite adoring him so much and being happy with him, it ran low.

He was always talking about the future. They were only two months old when it started, talking about _when you graduate from high school, when we move in together, when we complete a hundred days_. Talking about _what if we went to Japan on our first anniversary, would you rather a son or a daughter, where would our honeymoon be when we marry, which one of us will get white hair first?_

Yunho was terrified of what fate had for him in the next month. How could he bother imagining about what will happen _in fifty years_?

It was only worse when the older started cancelling plans because of him, without asking him. A family member is marrying and it’s in another town? Can’t go, Yunho has finals on that weekend and if he can’t go Hongjoong also wouldn’t. Got a job offer but that required him to go to another country frequently? Nah, the current job is more than enough, and it’s closer to Yunho anyway.

He couldn’t take the pressure and, obviously, broke up with the older. Hongjoong didn’t take it nicely, begged him for a reason - to which he _did_  give but it got ignored - and for him not to go. He knew that would happen but he couldn’t prolong this any longer. It was over and it would never go back to what it was.

It had been stressful, even after the breakup. The older just didn’t get it, kept pestering him. Until he decided to give the friends card, which made Yunho think he had _finally_ understood it, but in a matter of days, the begging would come in again.

He needed a rest. A really good rest. And so, going clubbing became his healing.

His own, personal definition of rest.

Hongjoong didn’t approve it. That was obvious. But they were exes, recent ones at that, so the younger didn’t care and the older didn’t voice it. Not directly, because Yunho had told him countless times to stop pestering him about it and slowly - _super sickeningly slow_ \- he was stopping to invade his personal matters. At least in person.

Seonghwa was a hyung he was pretty indifferent with. He didn’t really know him besides him being friends with his ex, as well as Yeosang, so he didn’t have any strong opinion about him. Seonghwa seemed nice, but Yunho had only had two or three conversations with him and none of them were really deep or anything of the sorts, so he had no idea if he was _indeed_ a cool dude. However, at some point of his single life where he’d be out to relax a bit, the oldest would pop up at the club. He knew why he was there, he was sure that Hongjoong had requested him to keep an eye or him or something equally creepy. He was sure of that.

“You genuinely think I’d keep an eye of a friend’s ex because he’s a clingy asshole? That’s the type of person you believe I am?”, he had laughed it out when questioned. They had gotten out of the club and sat down in a convenience store after Yunho had gotten enough and decided to question him. “Nah. Gotta admit he did ask me to do it, but I always say I didn’t see you. Don’t wanna feed his possessiveness.”

“Thanks, hyung”, he said, drinking down his water bottle. He had never been _so_ thankful for being wrong. “God, can’t he fucking forget about me.”

“Nope”, he sighed, drinking his last can of beer. “Trust me, I tried.”

He raised a brow at that. “Tried how?”

Seonghwa grinned, but it quickly faded out. “By fucking him roughly, obviously”, he said laughing.

The younger couldn’t believe him. “ _Are you for real_?”

“I know, hard to believe when he is busy dreaming about your dick”, he admitted honestly, “but yeah, it happened. I was wasted and suggested jokingly that I’d tap his fat ass if we weren’t friends but somehow he let me. I guess he was just as wasted, don’t really remember. He couldn’t stop moaning your name, by the way, it was so goddamn weird. Never happening again, _eww_.”

Yunho drank more of his water. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked.

“I tried talking too, though. He truly thinks he is to blame at making you stop loving him and that he has to change back so eventually you’ll go back to him. Or something like that”, he sighed. “I feel sorry for him, it’s so goddamn obvious you’re uninterested.”

“Be sorry _for me_ , hyung. I told him with all the words so many times. _Hyung, I can’t be with you anymore, I no longer love you like that_ , all of that. He acts like he gets it and just want to be friends, but give it a few days he’s asking me the what ifs”, he groaned. _“There are none_. It’s over.”

The older’s hands went to his tight, somehow assuring. But Yunho was drunk and stressed, and he needed to rest. So he looked at the hand, and then at Seonghwa, face blank.

“I am. I am sorry for you as well. I’m his best friend so I know some of what’s going on, but I can’t imagine having a dude that invested even after breaking up. Maybe everything he needs is some time. See, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. You’ve told him countless times and is living your own life. It’s about time he starts doing the same, and there isn’t anything else you could do for him.”

The hand was slowly moving up and Yunho couldn’t do anything besides nod quietly, waiting for the older’s next move or word.

“You know”, Seonghwa spoke after a while. “My house is pretty close from here. It’s just a few minutes by feet.”

He grinned, glad he wasn’t reading the signs wrong. “That’s cool.”

It was nothing to Yunho. It never meant a thing, his one night stands were exactly that, meaningless one night stands. It didn’t mean a thing for him and no one ever pestered him about his active sexual activity with strangers. It just happened to be that this time it was with someone inside their circle of friends, someone that _he_ knew, and somehow, it was different.

Yunho didn’t get how.

“You slept with Seonghwa?”, Hongjoong questioned him a day or two after what happened, when Yunho was having lunch with his same age friends. He didn’t get what was the issue with it, but then he had four pair of eyes on him, three of them shining in pure confusion and one burning with something he couldn’t name.

 _He really didn’t get how that was any different_.

“Yeah, I did.”

The older angrily licked his teeth, looking spiteful. “Really? Did you really had to fuck my best friend?”

He shrugged. “It was a simple fuck. A _single_ fuck that meant nothing.”

“ _But with Seonghwa_?”

“What’s so special about him that suddenly makes him off limits, anyway? There’s a lot of people I’ve fucked in this town, you included. Just because this time it’s someone you know? I’m single, he’s single, I can do whatever. And so can you”, he scoffed at that. “Don’t know why you’re mad at me sleeping with Seonghwa-hyung when you also did it yourself.”

He went red at that. “We were drunk.”

Yunho scoffed a second time, teasing smirk on his face. “What kind of fucking excuse is that? When will you admit you’re craving my dick so bad that you let your best friend fuck you so you could picture it was me instead?”

Hongjoong frowned at that, clearly angry. It seemed that the two of them forgot that they were in a public place. “You-- You’re so-- What the _fuck_ , Jeong Yunho, that’s fucking low.”

He groaned in frustration. “Low is you expecting me to go back to you and try to control my life even after saying countless times I’m not fucking interested in you anymore. You want me to draw or something? Because words and actions both don’t work. Now let me go. Fucking go get laid and stop imagining it’s me.”

The older took the closest drink on the table - that happened to be Yeosang’s strawberry shake - and threw at the younger. “Fuck you, Jeong Yunho. Fuck you!”

“I’m trying, if you didn’t notice”, he shouted back as the older moved away. Great, fucking great, now everyone was staring at him. “Exactly what I fucking needed right now.”

Wooyoung took some napkins and helped the older to clean his shirt. “That hyung, seriously. What’s wrong with him.”

“This isn’t healthy, Yunho-yah,” Mingi said with a worried tone. “You should stop talking him for good.”

“I _know_ , Mingi-yah”, he sighed, cleaning himself as well. “We’re not even dating anymore, it’s been months. I’m so fucking tired of repeating myself but he doesn’t get a single hint”, he laughed bitterly. “Now everyone in this stupid cafe knows about this shit too. Great.”

“Maybe now he’ll fucking get that hint”, the youngest said in an angry tone. “Since you fucked Seonghwa-hyung, someone who’s close to him.”

He nodded at that. “Hopefully. Maybe I should’ve fucked him earlier, so Hongjoong-hyung would leave me alone earlier. And he is a great fuck, so. No complaints.”

Yeosang choked in air suddenly, which made the older remember that this time he was eating with them too. He wasn’t sure if the younger was comfortable with their explicit sex talk but, well, now it was a _bit_ too late.

He cleared his throat. “Sorry for your drink, Yeosang. I’ll buy you another drink.”

“Don’t bother”, he finally said something, sighing. “It’s fine. I wasn’t going to finish it anyway.”

There was something in the slightly younger voice but he didn’t know what it was. He decided to ignore it, the boy had lots of issues on his own and didn’t like sharing all of them.

Sadly, that wasn’t the last time he saw Hongjoong. A week later the older came to his house to apologize.

And him, being too kind for his own good, decided to accept it and keep being his friend.

(Wooyoung got super angry at this and didn’t talk for him for a day, but he cracked fast and soon their circle of friends returned to what it was.)

Everything was fine and Hongjoong never ever questioned his sexual life again. Everything was supposed to be okay, except that Yunho was still fucking tired and frustrated with his life, and he didn’t know what was causing it.

It didn’t help that the staring Mingi got whenever he went started to follow him too.

It was inconvenient, but at least he had the support of his family, and no one ever confronted him face to face, he reasoned. He didn’t have the disapproval of those who lived with him and no one tried to assault him.

Jeong Yunho was indeed fucking lucky.

 

 

 

 

 

He was always the lucky guy, but lately, he’d considered that his luck had gone dry. That, or it’s about to.

It wasn’t always that they could find a comfortable place to sleep, and it happened that this time they only had the small, tight van to spend their nights. Sure it was a van and it fit them all, but for _five_ of them it was quite uncomfortable and packed.

Yunho often could sleep through anything, but this time, he was restless. He opened the van’s sliding door quietly, sitting on the floor and stared at the sky that slowly got clearer. The joy of watching the sunrise was something that simply didn’t make sense in his head but he still stared at the ball of fire that went up, its first few rays shooting from the horizon, welcoming the new day. It was boring.

A new day of them running away. It was that what the sunrise meant for him and he hated how he had to describe it. He had run because he was tired, but there was him, tired again. Tired and apprehensive, tired and worried, tired and unlucky. Yeah, he had great people with him, but that was probably what worried him the most. Because he had people he cared for in the same boat and he really wished they weren’t because this fucking sucked.

He hated that he didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, leader”, San said resting his chin on his shoulder. For some reason, it was an agreement from the younger ones to refer to the oldest as the group’s leader, and he hoped it was just a joke, because he was far from being an _actual_ leader. He was more like a mediator. If one of them had to be the leader that was either Mingi or San himself. Not him.

“What's up?”, he asked the younger, offering him some of his bread, which was declined.

His question was ignored. “You’re overthinking. Got a little worried.”

He sighed. “I do that a lot. Or used to do, and came back to that now.”

He heard him humming, the vibrations of his throat tickling his back. “I’m not used with that.”

“Well, you might need to, I feel like I’ll do it a lot from now on. Like how you always have something to say now”, Yunho laughed at that. “And to think a while ago we had to ask a thousand times for you to voice out your opinions.”

San tried to nod but, instead, it felt like he was lightly poking the other’s shoulder with his chin. “Go get used to _that_ then. I stayed too long with a filter, controlling what to say, now you’ll have to get used with my bubbly eccentric self.”

That made him smile. “I’ll work on that, don’t you worry. I like you better like this anyway.”

They stayed in silence for a while, taking in the silence with relish.

“What you often overthink about?”, it was the oldest who asked, suddenly feeling curious.

The green haired man laughed loudly at the question. “God, pretty much _everything_. What you guys think of me, what we are going to do now, how much money we still have left, what road is better for us to go. It’s bothersome, really. I’m trying to think less because it tires me. Overthinking is bad.”

“You think?”

He couldn’t see his face but he’d bet all he owned that San was now pouting. “Was that a pun or something?”

“Unintended but yes.”

“Dumbass. But yes, I do think it’s a bad thing”, he sighed. “It limits you, it makes you get into conclusions that may be false and it stops you from taking some risks.”

“You believe overthinking is bad but taking risks isn't?”, he asked with a frown. “It's good to think carefully, to plan things out. Not everyone has the luck to risk it all.”

“It’s not a matter of luck, though? And sure planning is good but risks are just as welcome depending on the situation”, he said, finally backing off from his shoulder and sitting in an angle that allowed him to look at Yunho's face, opening the van’s door a bit more. “If I had thought too much about accepting your ride I would probably have declined. If I have thought too much about life at home I would probably listen to my parents and pretend I wasn’t who I am. And I am sure you taking risks in the past had some good outcomes as well. That sometimes not thinking much about it was the best option.”

Indeed, the brunet knew that he had a point and that he actually had gotten something valuable by following his gut. He was the same as San, he would probably still be back at his hometown if he didn’t throw it all away and decided to go. But most of his fuck ups happened because he was reckless. He relied on his luck though, so the list of times he had fucked up bad was short, but they were still heavy on his conscience, being the reason why he and the others were where they currently are. They wouldn’t have been pleased with their worst for so long if they stopped and thought for _one second_ if that was what they actually wanted for their lives. To run away from their problems and collect new problems instead of fixing them.

“You’re kind, Yunho-yah. And I don’t think you ever stopped worrying. You never really stopped overthinking, or better, you never stopped _thinking_ even since you started this ride. You thought less about mundane things and it became more about them… About _us_. About what will be of us, you worry for us all. This is why you’re our leader, despite you not seeing it.”

“But Mingi--”

“Mingi worries too. And Wooyoung, and Yeosang, and I do as well. Every single one of us worry but we’re not all leaders”, he laughed at something that crossed his mind. “You know, he told me you’re not the leader type once. He said someone needs to take initiative first for you to react and I see his point… But rather than you not being a leader, it’s more that you have too much going on here”, San raised his hand and poked the older’s forehead with his index finger. “You’re too busy working that head of yours to actually move your body and react. You can’t let your thoughts stuck you in place, you have to be a little carefree at times. Mingi is not a leader, but he takes responsibility on his back because he worries too much. And he came to me that one time solely because he was certain that talking it out with the rest wouldn’t be as effective.”

Yunho sighed. The words that came from the green haired man’s mouth was soft, caring, but it cut him deep. It was much worse due to the fact that he knew _damn_ well. None of that was news for him. He knew he never acted first and he knew the one with blue locks blamed himself. _He knew_.

“I’m not saying you have to take the weight on his back and put it in yours, but we gotta share that. And you gotta think less, if that’s going to stop you from moving. You don’t have to do much more, you _already lead us_ without even noticing, with your little gestures and words. And if you’re unsure of something don’t let it haunt you. Tell us.”

He found himself nodding at San slowly, his throat not wanting to emit any sound. The other smiled at him wide, showing off his adorable dimples, and moved forward to kiss his forehead.

It felt comforting. He was glad to have this conversation, even if deep down his guilt was still trying to drag him back to the darkest side of his mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 **It was probably just eight in the morning.** Yunho had barely woken up, Mingi was sleeping in the front seat, Yeosang had decided to grab some air - who the fuck goes for a walk that early? Kang Yeosang did, apparently - and Wooyoung, well, was on his lap. Sucking on his neck.

He wasn’t really complaining. He wasn’t awake for too long but in the few minutes that he was awake, the two of them went from spooning adorably to a whole body on top of the other, with the smaller man grinding on his dick and painting his neck purple.

“Did you have to?”, he said with a hoarse voice. “Did you have to sit on my fucking lap?”

The younger laughed quietly. “I mean, you’re the one who had his morning wood poking my butt. I’m not at fault here.”

He was about to complain but then the other was rolling his hips again, making him bite down to not moan. “God, Wooyoung-ah, you’re such a fucking--”

“Bitch?”, he said with a grin.

“ _Brat_.”

He clicked his tongue. “I’ll take what I can”, he said quietly before cupping his cheeks and claiming his lips. Yunho’s hands automatically landing on his lap, bringing the younger closer to himself. Wooyoung smirked on the kiss, still grinding on top of the other, and broke the kiss so he could get closer of his left ear. “What were you dreaming about, lover boy? _Hmm_?”

Shit shit _shit_. His voice was so fucking sexy, this was unfair. “I was dreaming about Yeosang’s heavenly lips.”

He moved away from his neck to stare at him with a pout. “Way to kill the fucking mood, Yunho-yah.”

“Why? I just replied honestly”, Yunho laughed at that. “What can I do, he’s the best kisser of the group after me.”

“No, he isn’t”, he replied. “I mean, yeah, he’s second. But _I’m_ the best kisser.”

“In your dreams.”

He scoffed. “Nah, in _yours_ ”, he winked, kissing him again. His hands this time travelled through his shoulders, torso, going down until it landed next to his belly. He then decided to put his hand under his shirt, nails marking his abdomen slowly, making Yunho hiss under the kiss. And to make it even fucking worse, he rolled his hips again, giving some friction to his lower part, making him moan in the younger’s mouth. But he was not satisfied, hand moving higher until it touched his nipple, circling the tips.

He was such a goner.

“Can I suck you off?”, he suddenly asked after breaking the kiss another time, panting in between words.

“Why are you-- even fucking _asking_? Just-- _ah_ , just do it.”

“Wow. Impatient much?”, the youngest asked, laughing at the reaction.

He rolled his eyes. “Maybe.”

“Maybe? _Wrong answer_ ”, he said, moving his hand teasingly to the older’s zipper, playing with the area but not really opening it.

The older groaned. “ _You must be fucking kidding me_.”

“Kidding, yeah. Fucking, not yet.”

“ _Jung Wooyoung I swear to G--_ ”

The final of his sentence was cut short as the shorter of them grabbed his hard on and put pressure on it. “Shh, you don’t wanna wake up Mingi, do you.”

Oh _fuck_ , he completely forgot that they weren’t alone. And Yeosang probably wasn’t far either, they were currently parking in a somewhat abandoned place with little to no shops to visit. He could come in at any time and find the two of them like this.

Actually…

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”, he heard the other say with a smirk, hand still on the front of his pants and stroking his clothed dick at _a very fucking slow_ pace. He could barely feel the touch, as if it was done by a ghost, and he needed to feel _more_. “You’d like if Mingi woke up and saw us from the front mirror, wouldn’t you? Or if Yeosang got inside and I was swallowing you whole…”

The older bit the inside of his cheek to avoid moaning loudly at that, nodding at his words. “Please just suck me off already.”

“Are you begging?”, he raised a single brow teasingly.

He groaned again. “ _Yes_ , you stupid fucking brat, I’m begging you, _please_ Wooyoung-ah--”

Wooyoung dared to giggle at him, finally opening the zipper and lowering both his pants and underwear, his dick feeling the cold air from the outside world. But not for long, as the younger without a warning decided to wrap his hand around it, giving it a few small strokes.

“Wooyoung--”

“I _know_ , shut up, needy asshole.”

“This is all your f-- _ah_ , fuck”, he moaned as the other licked the side of his length, slowly, testing Yunho’s patience.

Fucking. Teasing. Brat.

He finally - _finally_! - took the tip in his mouth, tongue teasing around it. But Wooyoung didn’t like playing nice, playing slow, and it didn’t take him much before he started going deeper and deeper, until his cock hit the back of his throat, moving backwards and then back forward. Yunho’s head hit the window behind him as it went back, one hand covering his mouth to keep him quieter, and the other went to the younger’s hair, holding tightly onto his hair. His hips wanted to move forwards but he knew the other, if he did something he hadn’t been allowed to do it he’d edge him as punishment. And he desperately needed to fucking come.

“Wooyoung, can I fuck your mouth? _Please_ let me fuck your mouth, oh my God--”

He let go of his cock - but not without giving it a last lick on its length - and grinned at him. “Should I let you?”

Yunho knew what those words implied. “Please, Wooyoung-ah, I can do whatever you want afterwards I just _really_ want to fuck your pretty mouth until I come, please--”

“But wasn’t Yeosang’s mouth the heavenly one?”, he tilted his head.

“Yeah, and your mouth is the devil, so _please_ \--”

The younger’s eyes went dark at that, laughed a bit too loudly seconds later. “Wow, _fuck_ , I liked that. Okay, lover boy, do it. Fuck my mouth.”

“Roughly?”

“As rough as you desire”, he replied winking.

Oh _fucking_ god, Jung Wooyoung. He was going to kill him sooner or later.

He moved downwards again, taking only the tip inside his mouth and sucking it, but refusing to go any deeper. Yunho took it as his hint to move and so he did, rolling his hips forward, holding the younger’s hair again. He didn’t want to accidentally hurt the younger and moved slowly, but he wasn’t having any of it and kept moving slightly forwards whenever he thrust. He should’ve known that, Wooyoung didn’t like it sweet.

And so he raised the pace, still being careful whenever the younger gagged on it, but he knew that was how he enjoyed it. He could feel that the other enjoyed it more like that, feeling the vibrations of his own moan around his dick. Yunho was panting and moaning loudly, the hand that wasn’t on Wooyoung’s hair busy holding the car’s seat tightly. “Wooyoung, I’m clo- _-ah_ , I’m close, so _so_ close-- Don't stop, I’m gonna--”

The younger didn’t show any sign of listening to him, but his mind was too focused on reaching his orgasm that he just came inside his mouth, a loud moan leaving his mouth as he saw stars. “God, that was so goddamn good--”

 **Wooyoung giggled at himself** and then Yunho turned to give him a better look and  _fuck_ , there was a little bit of cum on the corner of his lips but save for that he was pretty clean. He stared in awe as the other swallowed making eye contact, but breaking it as he frowned afterwards. “Eat better, you stupid junk food lover, this taste awful.”

He didn’t know why but Yunho caught himself laughing at that. “I did warn you.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want to make a mess”, he said, cleaning the corner of his lips and licking his finger.

“Stop being this sexy, I’m gonna get hard again”, he joked, but then he remembered that only he had come. “You wanna help or--”

“No need”, he said quietly as he looked away, wiping his other hand on his shirt.

Yunho frowned. “It’s no big deal, I can eat you--”

“No, Yunho-yah, I mean-- I was touching myself. While you were fucking my mouth. So. No need.”

He blinked. “Oh. Sexy. For real though, I wouldn’t mind eating you out.”

The younger slapped his shoulder but then lied on top of him. “Shut up, there will be another chance for you to do that.”

“If you ever let me, that is”, he said in an annoyed tone. “You know I’m fine with it, don’t you?”

It took a while for the answer to come. “ _Yeah_ , but it’s weird. It’s going to be weird, for you.”

“None of us are virgins”, he reminded the other. “Me included.”

“But you-- I mean-- It’s just that--”, he started and sighed. “It’s different. _I’m_ different. You’re going to find it weird.”

“First times are always weird”, Yunho said, not understanding the issue. “You don’t even wanna know how my first time went.”

Wooyoung raised a brow at that. “You can’t tell me that and leave it at that, without explaining.”

He sighed. “Well, none of us knew what to do because I was a virgin and I was his first dude. We put on gay porn on and try to do the same thing. It just happened to be a really weird and kinky video and it was impossible for us to do the same.”

“Holy shit. That was worse than mines.”

He frowned. “Explain.”

He gave the other his tongue. “Nah.”

Yunho pouted. “Not fair. I told mines.”

“Your problem, bitch.”

It was the older’s turn to slap the other. “Brat. But anyway, back to the matter in hands, I’m totally fine with it. And you can guide me if I get too lost. Or we can let the others guide me.”

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you”, he laughed. “Letting Yeosang or Mingi watch us… Or maybe both--”, he said looking at the front seat and then making a surprised face. “When the fuck did Mingi leave?”

“What?”, he turned to where Wooyoung was looking at and indeed, the seat was empty. “You think he--”

“Of course he woke up at us, you were loud as fuck!”, the other shouted as he laughed at the situation. Shame was suddenly hitting the oldest as his face turned pink. “Oh my God, he’s never going to let us live after this.”

Yunho was ready to reply to him, or maybe suggest them to get up and look for their companions, but then he heard a knock on the window. “Mingi is a traumatized baby and is asking if you two fuckers are properly clothed so we can return on road”, Yeosang asked, face blank. “Horny assholes.”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes. “Yeah, the show is over, he can come back. Did you bring food, by the way, because I'm starving.”

Yeosang sighed. “Of course you are. And yes, I did. Just lemme grab the innocent baby.”

The younger smiled at that, sitting back on the car’s seat while Yunho fixed his pants. He was still embarrassed that Mingi had got up at the two of them doing their stuff. And slightly curious. But that he’d keep to himself.

“Baby, I am so sorry that we woke you up!”, Wooyoung shouted as Mingi entered the van.

“Fuck you.”

“Later, maybe”, he winked, getting his burger from Yeosang’s hand. “But really, sorry for that.”

“Yeah, sorry for being so loud. And indiscreet. In your car.”

“And sorry for not inviting you.”

“ _Wooyoung_.”

“What! I am being honest here”, he said to the oldest man, arms raised and cheeks full.

Mingi laughed at the duo, but somehow, it didn’t feel honest. “I mean, it was awful to wake up to Yunho shouting, but it’s fine. Just try to keep it down.”

“It was awful?”, the older said offended.

Yeosang slapped his shoulder. “Not everyone likes to fuck first thing in the morning.”

“Yeah. Some like to take a walk.”

The youngest only needed one silent glare from the other to shut up.

“Anyway, if it’s clean then it’s fine, I guess”, Mingi said with a shrug. “But don’t do it again, not without saying anything.”

“Take notes, Yunho-yah.”

“That was at you, _honey_ ”, the oldest spoke.

Yeosang sighed. “Look, I know that this thing is pretty much new and confusing to all of us, also quite impulsive, but we gotta talk to each other if we want it to work, or at least not to cross any boundaries.”

Both the group oldest and youngest stared at him while Mingi nodded, head down.

“You two can keep having sex whenever you feel like it, it’s fine, and it’s the same if it’s any of you with someone else, or me and Mingi, or who knows, everyone at the same time if we ever reach that level. But let everyone know what is happening. We are all a bit broken here, let us not break more”

Yunho gulped down, looking at Mingi. “Did we make you uncomfortable?”

“What? No. I mean”, he paused, licking his lips. “Actually, yeah, a bit. But it’s fine, it’s stupid.”

“No it isn’t”, Yeosang assured him. “You don’t have to tell us why, it doesn’t need to have a reason. If you don’t like something then it’s not fine.”

He sighed. “It’s stupid, really. Just memories. It passed.”

Yunho looked apologetic at him. He could relate at that, kinda. He hated whenever his mind went back to his old life for no reason at all, and he didn’t know what had caused him to remember it, but still, it made him feel guilty. “Lesson learned, then. Always talk about these stuff to whoever is present to avoid making anyone uncomfortable.”

“How do we bring it on, though?”, Mingi asked, genuinely confused. “Should I have stopped you two from fucking?”

“No, we should have the decency to not do it”, Wooyoung admitted. “Sorry. I’m too impulsive. And hard to resist, so. That’s on me.”

“I second that”, the oldest said but more as a joke than meaning all of it. “Well, I guess we’ll discover how to bring that up slowly. When we discover what we are okay with and what we aren’t, but for that, we have to talk it out. No saying it’s alright when it isn’t, and not forcing someone do something they’re not totally fine with. Let’s just… talk about _everything_ that concerns this.”

Yeosang nodded at that. “That seemed the best we could do for now.”

The younger duo shared a glare before looking at the others, nodding as well.

And without any more word on the subject, they finished their food and went back into their ride to nowhere.

 

 

 

 

 

The day they found an _actual_ house, one that they could rent and fit for a longer period of time, it was a mutual joy. The five of them knew there was the possibility of needing to leave again someday, for some reason or another, but they were glad that they would stay at a single place for longer than a couple of weeks this time. That was enough for a celebration.

However, celebrating went differently this time. They could rest, Jeong Yunho style, the same rest that San fancied. They could drink until passing out, as Yeosang and Wooyoung liked. They could get high, as Mingi enjoyed. But that was what they did _before_. If they wanted to leave their hole, if they wanted to be better, they considered that they should try things differently, even if only slightly.

“The landlord said we have to be quiet after ten”, Yunho had announced after setting down their stuff, “which means we have about two hours to be as loud as we can.”

“Great!”, their youngest announced, raising his arms upwards, stretching his back and leaving a quiet yawn. “Turn the fucking music on, DJ!”

The blue haired man rolled his eyes as he did as told, being the one holding their shared radio. It was still relatively new, an item they had taken when they stopped to get food a few days ago that had attracted Yeosang, who showed it to Wooyoung, who _really_ wanted it. And no one could tell him no to the purple haired man so, obviously, he put it in his pocket, glad to not be caught.

They got a little disappointed by what it played sometimes, since even after finding a good station they still couldn’t pick the next song nor avoid advertisements, but it was way better than relying solely on the van’s radio, so in the end no one complained.

And, well, sometimes the radio played the right hits too.

“Oh _fuck_ , I love this song”, San shouted suddenly, a foreign song playing loudly behind him who took Wooyoung by his hands and dancing carelessly. “ _Baby, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry_ ”, he shouted the lyrics along the song, making his companion laugh at him, only to, later on, join and scream what he supposed the words were. English wasn’t his forte but hey, that wouldn’t stop him to have his fun.

Mini laughed at the two of them, abandoning the device and joining them, moving his head to the sides and letting his fluffy hair dance in the air, their voices as loud as the speaker’s highest volume. The oldest eyed the trio with a smile, glad to see them having fun without any influence. It was a rare thing to witness, probably something they hadn’t done in a long time… But that was probably going to happen a lot from now on.

“You can always join them instead of watching”, he heard Yeosang’s voice beside him, joining him on the wall.

He smiled at the younger. “Could say the same about you.”

“I don’t dance, you know that. I’m supposed to be the one who watches. You _do_ dance, however”, he said carefully, drinking a bottle of strawberry milk, one of his favourite. There would be no alcohol tonight. “Lemme guess, too busy overthinking?”

“Maybe?”, he attempted in replying, staring at how Yeosang’s expression didn’t change. “Okay, fine, yeah I was”, he admitted afterwards, ignoring how his expression softened at that. Was it that obvious that he knew the answer before receiving it? “I’m not good with changes, especially for the better. But here I am, thinking about them. About how we will change and all of that. It’s a bit…”

“Scary?”, the other tried.

“Yeah. In a nerve-wracking way”, Yunho said in a quiet tone. “You know, I don’t like thinking too much about the future because it terrifies me. It was what made my relationship with hyung unbearable for me”, he said, refusing to use his name but knowing that the other knew who he was referring to. It’s been a while now and he had moved on completely - finally, now that he was so far from him - but it still felt weird to name him out loud. “But I’ve been thinking a lot about it, about the future. About _our_ future. I didn’t think I’d ever do that, but here I am, worrying over what will be of us. The worry is there and it makes me so scared but at the same time… It gives me courage. Because it’s not just me, there is all of you as well, and I can’t fuck up anymore. I can’t just overthink anymore. And I want to overthink less, I want to risk the change if it means us improving as people, but it’s so hard not to--”

The older stopped ranting, mouth still open to catch his breath, realizing what he had just said. Just admitted, not only to his companion, but to himself. And _fuck_ , he meant every single word.

What was that? This thing that made him want to risk more? But still left him so scared of ruining things for him, for them all?

He felt a hand over his and, looking at its owner, Yeosang was smiling at him. A genuine, warm smile that made his heart skip a beat and his eyes to never forget the vision. “Thank you.”

Yunho frowned at that. “For _what_?”

The younger stared at him, breathing calmly, debating if he should or not answer him. He sighed, deciding to go for it. “For not letting your love for us ran low despite the fear of what’s ahead of us”, he admitted quietly and it made him shiver. And it only made him confused because, what he meant by that? Loving them? What was he implying? Yet Yeosang didn’t let him overthink this time, dragging him by his hand. “Let’s join the kids, this is a celebration party for five after all.”

He wanted to refute but then he felt a hand - one that wasn’t Yeosang’s - grab his free hand, San’s excited voice happy to see that the older duo had joined them, and he found himself in the middle of four bodies, dancing and singing with no worries. And so he found himself grinning at that, leaving his worries for tomorrow, focusing only on how happy he to have them, to be with them.

Yunho laughed at the thought. He really was one lucky bastard.


	2. kang yeosang, the sweet silent bystander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [bite_by_troye_sivan.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLuWMOF6vOU)
> 
> [breathe_by_jax_jones_feat_ina_wroldsen.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBQEuKE2EEg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (alcohol), mention of Vomiting, Child Neglect, Abusive Parents, Questioning, Sexuality Crisis, Ambiguous Relationships/Friends With Benefits, Non-Explicit Sex.... guess that's it? there's a small mention of injury on the last scene but it's very minor i think

Yeosang had promised himself he’d be a better person. Better than his father, better than his mother. But then he kept growing up and that seemed to be a hard task. Not that they were perfect and thus hard to beat, oh _God_ no. Far, far from that. He was just too fucked up to properly do what he needed to, too deprived of choices, of chances. His vision of the world had been corrupted really early in life and he couldn’t help but make bad choices.

Considering he had an alcoholic mom and witnessing first hand what it can do to a person, he probably should know better. Still, he found himself taking a sip or two out of curiosity, and that how he discovered what he liked more and what he didn’t. Beer was bitter and boring but it was what he found the most, being the cheapest; vodka burned and made his head dizzy fast, and there rarely had some at home which meant he couldn’t have too much (it was not a complaint) or his mother would catch him; soju was stronger than beer and weaker than vodka and it tasted better than the other two beverages, but there was something _missing_ ; wine tasted differently depending on the brand and price but it was enjoyable for him. He quickly discovered he liked wine a lot, and would often take some sips of it without anyone knowing. But if he really wanted to get the feeling of being drunk, if he really wanted to lose himself and drown instead of simply enjoying the taste, he’d need to drink his mom’s stack beers and soju, the two drinks that she bought the most and never noticed when some bottles or cans disappeared.

Out of the few people he talked on a daily basis, he only had one person he could call close - and not exactly a _friend_ , since he was older -, someone close enough to know that he drank regularly and was worried for him because of it. Yeosang didn’t get what was the issue considering that he only had a bit, but Seonghwa begged to differ, saying that it could start with just a bit and suddenly become a lot, it could become his relief valve and consume him rather than be consumed. He knew the older had a point, having a perfect example of what he meant living under the same roof. And it wasn’t that he had never tried his limits and drank more than his body could take, drinking to forget the pain rather than to enjoy. He knew Seonghwa was right. But every time the older asked him about it he’d say otherwise, _don’t you worry hyung, I always just drink a bit, I like the taste and that is it, I would never drink too much, I’m still growing and underage!_

_I’d never._

Except that, eventually, he did.

He did start with curiosity, not understanding why his mom would consume the liquid religiously until she passed out. And when she drank she would say things under her breath that would always hit his ears and leave him even more confused. When she was in that state, Yeosang’s mother often talked about his father, how he was an amazing man, how she still loved him dearly, how she shouldn’t have let such a man like him go, but wasn’t he the one who left her for his own reasons? That was what she told the kid _herself_. When she was on her feet, when she was craving for her beverages, that’s what she shouted at her son, that he was a coward who left after discovering he was now a father. That he was selfish, stupid, vile, and the list continued. But after a few drinks, she would say the opposite. That she was the one at wrong, that she should have aborted - whatever that meant, the kid didn’t know -, that she should have left with him instead, that she picked her priorities wrong.

It only left Yeosang with tricky questions and piercing affirmatives.

But her paradoxical rambling made him realise pretty young that he wasn’t her priority. That she didn’t care about him at all.

And it hurt to know that. It hurt that his mom didn’t love him, not even a bit, when he did so much for her. He had to work at a young age, he stole the drinks she would always drink - because who would sell it to a kid, and later on a young teen? - and sometimes get beaten up for being caught, he’d put her to bed when she passed out. And his reward was shouts of how it was all his fault and how he was useless, and whispers of how it was his fault and how he was useless. Because he made him leave.

So he drank. Drank to forget, drank to hurt less, drank to feel better, to feel happy for once.

Except he always remembered, always hurt, always felt like the worst.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was used with silently observing. He silently watched as his mom drowned in her own problems, never trying to help more than take care of her weak self. It was only natural he would be the same when it came to friends and relationships.

Seonghwa was his neighbour and most likely his only friend, who for his misfortune was a social butterfly. Yeosang didn’t really have many options to spend his time besides school, torn between staying at home and joining the older like his shadow with whatever he did, whenever he goes, and despite loving to laze around, being at home was toxic. He knew if he stayed at home he would either hear the whispers of the alcohol calling for him or the shouts of his mom craving for the same.

So he followed him.

That was how his sexuality crisis started.

Yeosang likes girls. He knew that and he was okay with it, as okay as any straight dude who fit the society’s expectations. He had gotten his fair share of confessions during middle and high school, despite being the quiet weirdo who barely talked. It was purely because of his looks, their attraction. It was obvious, but that didn’t stop him from saying yes, didn’t stop him to try it out. And he didn’t hate it. He did genuinely like his time with girls, and even allowed himself to fall into their charms as well. He _did_ , undoubtedly, fancy girls.

But then he started hanging around with the older and his younger friends and it made him _question_ himself. Because he had so many friends, so many _male_ friends, and none of them seemed to be straight. He met Yunho, who was openly gay and dating Hongjoong, who wasn’t as open but accepted his bisexuality fully. He met Wooyoung, who would never shut up about men, and Mingi, who everyone whispered about going both ways. He never explicitly talked about his orientation but it wasn’t as if he needed to. He didn’t need to open his mouth for the slightly older to know he was bi as well. Everyone knew.

And then there was Seonghwa.

The oldest of their circle of friends never labelled himself, but he knew he wasn’t exactly what one would call straight. He called himself a free soul, who did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

Yeosang liked that.

He liked it and it didn’t take him long to be curious. To want to experiment.

To ask.

Sometimes Seonghwa didn’t spend his free time to go out with his friends. Sometimes he visited his neighbour at his home and dragged him out to a cafe, or to the theatre, or to pretty much everywhere, and sometimes he just invited him to watch something at his home and refused to be refused. Yeosang liked these days much better than when he had to meet the others, not because he hated them but because it sometimes felt uncomfortable to just be there, the attention of his only close friend shared with others he didn’t know what well. Sure, hanging out like this was much more private and personal and it made the younger quite shy, but also, he enjoyed these moments a lot. He liked the quiet, the calm. He was relaxed, Seonghwa was relaxed, the atmosphere was the most chill it could ever be.

And in moments like that, it was easier to ask.

They were watching a movie of a boy who wanted to lose his virginity to his girlfriend, but now there was another boy involved and he had started questioning himself. He gulped down, feeling that the plot hit too close at home, save for the fact that he was single and had already lost his virginity, so it was not exactly _that_ close at home. But _yes_ , there was a boy making him question everything he thought he knew about himself, and that made him tense. He decided to eye his hyung slightly, who was still watching it with a straight face, not visibly bored but not extremely interested either.

The timing was a good one. He cleared his throat. “How did you realize your sexuality?”, he asked slowly, hoping that his weak tone was enough to get the older’s attention.

It did: although he took a while to react, Seonghwa stopped munching at his popcorn and stared at his direction, expression still pretty much the same. “Well, it was a bit confusing. Everything made me curious, there was a lot I wanted to try out… Despite being told all my life that I should only like girls I had this little voice telling me that I didn’t care? But I restrained that, because how could I know if I didn’t try to see what I liked? Because deep down I knew I would only know for sure if I gave it a go”, he gave Yeosang a small smile after that. “And eventually I stopped resisting and gave it a go.”

“And you discovered what you liked? Did you enjoy it?”

The older quickly nodded. “Yeah. I discovered fast that I liked it all. Except for labels. I don’t fuck with labels”, he cussed out in a soft voice, which made it slightly amusing to the younger. “They confuse me. I hate labelling myself, I’m just me, you know? Park Seonghwa. I know what I like and what I don’t and I think that’s enough.”

“And what about… others? Don’t you think about how they see you?”

“I do, sometimes. But I know that it doesn’t fucking matter, they can’t define me nor make me who I am, so. I try not to think about others. They often have biased opinions anyway”, he shrugged at his dongsaeng.

Suddenly his throat felt tight. His hyung was staring directly at him and it made him shrink, slightly intimidated but immensely curious. He was still so curious. “I don’t know what I am”, he admitted instead of asking.

“You don’t have to know what you are. I told you, labels can be frustrating sometimes. Limiting.”

“But I don’t know what I like either. Aren’t I too old to be having this kind of crisis? I was _so_ sure I was straight, I never got attracted to another man before.”

A single brow went up at that. “Who are you attracted to?”, Seonghwa asked with a grin on his lips, looking so damn good.

 _Why are you making such a question_ , you, _to whom I’d never answer that?_

“No one specific”, he lied instead. “But I’m _wondering_ about it. Thinking about kissing boys and all of that.”

He hummed. It took the younger a while to realize he was tilting his body forward, towards him. Getting closer to him. “Do you hate those thoughts?”, he asked in a near whisper.

He paused before answering, rethinking about the idea. “I don’t think I do, but I’m still not sure.”

“Well, talking by experience”, the older started, voice still soft, but there was something in his face that Yeosang couldn’t describe. Something he was _dying_ to decipher. “You should experiment it. Kissing boys, I mean. And it’s never too late to have a gay awakening, so you don’t have to worry about that. You’re still valid.”

He breathed in and out. He wanted to scoff at the older, ask him some more - _and where would he find a boy who wouldn’t mind another boy kissing him?_ \- when it hit him that Park Seonghwa was looking straight at him, waiting for his response. And, damn, he wouldn’t mind kissing another boy. He did that quite a lot already.

He didn’t know what possessed him that moment, but a voice told him to go for it, and that voice was the same he had heard moments ago, a replay of the older’s story.  _Eventually I stopped resisting and gave it a go_ , it said. So he went for it.

Yeosang leaned forward, closing his eyes a second before any contact was made, and he could see that his hyung had smirked at his reaction. _He had expected it._ He didn’t know what to do with that piece of information, but he decided it didn’t matter right there and focused on his lips only, savouring the moment. He could question him later. Or not at all, just accept things as it is.

It wasn’t the greatest kiss in the world. It was soft, barely there, just a tryout. There was no touching, no lack of air, nothing of the sort. It was pretty much just a kiss, one that probably only lasted a minute or two, no tongue involved. It wasn’t anything special.

Still, he wasn’t repulsed by it.

“So?”, Seonghwa asked in a whisper.

“So…?”

The older smiled at him. “Did you like it?”

Yeosang stared at his face, still so close from his, the room silent save for the movie that had now been completely forgotten. He looked deep in his eyes and nodded. Yes, he liked it. And he wanted to try more. And so he did.

Nothing changed much after that. They still hang out a lot in group, just the two of them, in public, at home. It was all the same. They just had different activities from time to time, one that he assumed no one but the two of them knew. Sometimes they just kissed, with the older touching him all around his body to see if he was okay with another boy touching him in the way he was. Green. Then the kisses got hotter, messier, touchier. Yeosang couldn’t breathe, and it was still green. So they took off their clothes, touched areas more hidden, more sensitive. Let their moans go loud, let their nails into each other’s skin, kissed and sucked and bit on it until it was visibly marked. Seonghwa asked him if he could fuck him, and then later asked if he wanted to fuck him as well.

Everything was green. He liked every time his hyung kissed him, scratched him, bit him, sucked into him, opened up his legs to him. And Yeosang was _sure_ he liked more than just girls.

Nothing had changed between them. The only difference now what that there was something blooming inside the younger’s chest. He didn’t know what it was but he accepted it without thinking much about it because it felt good, so good at first. He could feel his will to live increasing, having expectations of tomorrow higher than normal. He liked himself more, felt less awkward and more happy with himself. He enjoyed staying sober more, slowly exchanging his beverages for sweets, from cakes to shakes to everything in between, avoiding alcohol like the plague whenever he could. He felt less sad, less burdensome. He still had to deal with his mother on a daily basis, obviously, but he did it with fewer thoughts of it being his only purpose at life. Yeosang had more reasons to live than just watching his mom drowning and putting her to bed once she had passed out. He had more reasons to live, reasons that were more about _himself_.

He didn’t know what he was feeling but he didn’t exactly hate it, giving him so much joy in life, but he noticed after a bit, a little too late, that it was actually poison in disguise. Because it felt so good but it only lasted some short time. It was like the flower that had bloomed in his chest grow in spikes that hurt his stomach, that poked his insides every time it was just him and the older. It made him worry, yes, that the line between what the two of them were so blurry. He knew his hyung didn’t like being tied down to one person, he told him with those exact words. He never wanted Seonghwa to be his… his whatever, he was _perfect_ in his freedom. Much more attractive in his freedom, and he wouldn’t have him in any other way. Yet when he wasn’t with Yeosang, he was the only thing in the younger’s mind. It was consuming him, it was toxic, but he was too hopeless to do anything about it.

He had thought that maybe he should back off, but there was still so much he didn’t know of, that he was curious about, and he had the older to help him, and so he would always ask for help, all of it, ignoring this feeling that kept growing inside him until it bothered. He would still go back to Seonghwa, have all of him for a little while until his mind was filled with him. And then he would leave, try to be by himself, but his body craved him until it was hard to ignore. Until he got back.

Until it _hurt_ , regardless if he was with or without him,until it made him ditch the sweets, go back to his dangerous safe place, and drown again.

 

 

 

 

 

Mingi couldn’t sleep, he noticed. He couldn’t, either, hence why he was staring at the slightly younger one instead.

He caught himself doing it way too much. Yeosang had supposed that it was because he was the type of person to shut up and listen to other’s words without question. He was a bystander, a witness, a secondary character who was there just to observe and hear the main character’s words, but then, he wasn’t saying a thing. He was staring at nothing, deep in thought. Yet he still played his role of a watcher, silently on his seat, staring and staring and _staring_.

Mingi was beautiful. Hell, all of them were in their own unique way. He caught himself making mental notes about them and it was _so random_ , but his thoughts never stopped. Yeosang loved his smile, it would always warm his heart, but even when it was not present his face was a great view, one worth appreciation for hours. The way the younger looked serious, probably thinking about the five of them, of what was waiting for them, it was so goddamn attractive. His pointy nose, small eyes and sharp features contracting with his warm heart, caring personality and kindness. He found the contradiction really charming.

San was also slightly deceitful. His features weren’t as aggressive as their second youngest but it still was quite manly and sharp. Dangerous, even. But that only lasted until he smiled and showed off his dimples, the vision so bright he could outshine the sun if so he desired. It took him some time to open up but now he smiled _so_ much, nearly nonstop, as if that was his resting race. Now, their newest companion expressed himself as much as he could, even if that sometimes could be described as _too much_. Yeosang, and probably all the others as well, quickly forgot how quiet he used to be. How reserved he was. And he enjoyed the younger like this, all smiles, all free. He was the prettiest like this.

Wooyoung was one of the prettiest people he had ever seen as well. His features were a mix of soft and sharp, it was hard to describe. It was just so him, so Jung Wooyoung Once he came out to the world like the man he was, once he fully accepted himself, he never let anything bring him down again, there was no stopping him. He was eccentric, but it wasn’t too much. He was himself, and he as confident of himself, and that was extremely charming, extremely attractive, and Yeosang couldn’t help but admire how strong he had become in such a short time. He was proud of him.

Yunho was their oldest and tallest but his features were much different from the others, but still, he was enjoyable to watch, to appreciate just as much as the younger three. His facial lines were softer, cuter, and somehow it really fit him. He recalled the pink haired man of a giant teddy bear, a giant puppy. So, despite his age and height, having these features complemented his softeness, his kindness. He was eye-catching for other reasons, but it didn’t mean he was ugly or less as charming. He was still incredibly handsome. However, at least for Yeosang, his heart was the most beautiful thing to look.

Usually, he hated being a bystander. He hated only watching, being a side character, being a ghost whenever he went to. He wanted to be someone too, wanted people to perceive him and appreciate him for being there. But Yeosang found himself not minding watching their stories blend together into one. He _enjoyed_ it, enjoyed these moments where he just stayed still and watched them do their thing. Be it having small talk, be it getting wasted, be it looking at nothing specific, deep in thought.

And it wasn’t that they treated him just like that either, it was different. Similar, but different, because he wasn’t _simply_ keeping an eye on them, it wasn’t just him who silently watched. They also looked back at him. And maybe it was why he didn’t hate being with them, because, even if just watching was enough for him, they would never let him be _just_ that.

The same way he observed them, they looked back at him. They cared for him, looked at him as if he was much more than a secondary character. Told him that he was pretty too, told him he was important, that they were glad to be with him. He felt, for once, that he was the main character.

It made him feel warm inside. It made him… happy. But also…

God, he really… he really fucking… _felt_ this. With Mingi, with Yunho, and San, and Wooyoung. He knew it was there, but he didn’t want to recognize it. Didn’t want to name it. It would only make it even more real than it already was.

Not that he hated it. But he didn’t want it.

He knew what this feeling was. He knew its name, but he’d never say it out loud. Not before someone spoke it before him, because he was not the main character. Never was, never will. He was a bystander, and he needed the play to happen before him so he could witness and remember it.

He sighed.

“Put the volume up, Mingi-yah”, he said instead, voice low.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did he love Seonghwa? No, not really. He was just a curious kid and the older had his answers. And he liked them. That was it, he told himself.

That was it. Nothing more.

But when he heard that he had slept with Yunho, something inside him hurt. The same innocent flower that made him want to live more now made him sick, its thorns piercing into his guts, his stomach, making him bleed internally. Despite knowing their thing wasn’t exclusive, that their thing was just semi frequent casual sex and nothing more, it felt like he had been betrayed somehow. It stunk and it made him incredibly sick.

He missed the feeling of drowning. He _needed_ it. And so he drowned again.

Yeosang knew where his mother kept her alcohol collection. Hell, _he was the one_ who filled the drawer with the bottles, making sure that it was full once she came home. So obviously he ceased the pain with the best way he knew, by drinking all of her alcohol, by consuming every single drop, and suddenly he felt really fucking lonely. He was never sad for being at home on his own, but somehow he really missed his mother. He wished she was kind, that she’d see how hurt he was and would pat him on the head, tell him that it was all okay, that there was no reason to be sobbing on the cold floor, that the pain would go away, that he was loved.

But instead he was all alone, sobbing on the cold floor, heart aching like a bitch, having no one to love him.

There was no one who loved him, who would care for him like that, who would be heartbroken and worried for him if he was found like that. Not even Seonghwa.

That was how he passed out, and that was how his mother found him later.

She wasn’t happy with the sight.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing down there?”, she shouted at him, the sudden noise enough to wake him, but everything was so fuzzy, his vision blurry, and he refused to move much. He didn’t know where the woman was but he assumed she was somewhat close, considering how loud her voice had been. “Who fucking let you consume all my shit? Stupid, useless kid. Look at the fucking waste!”

Yeosang wasn’t in a good condition but somehow, catching the tone in her words, he managed to get up without falling, a hand on the sink as he tried to walk, looking at what he supposed it was the shape of the older lady. “Fuck off.”

She seemed to have made a face at that, but what kind of face he didn’t know. “Excuse me?”

“I said fuck off”, he repeated slightly louder this time. “Fuck off, fuck you, I don’t wanna fucking hear your bullshit. Get out of the goddamn way.”

She made a displeased sound, clearly offended. “That is how you’re going to treat your own mother? God, you really are his son, huh. So fucking selfish. That is why your stupid father left me! He knew that once you were born you would be just a mini version of him, if not worse. I really should have fucking aborted you.”

“Who would buy your shit then, huh?”, he scoffed. “Get out of my way, I’m going out.”

“And to where, young man? Stumbling like that.”

“Nowhere that fucking concerns you.”

She laughed. “You aren’t going too far in that state but sure, see if I care. At least be a little less useless and buy my shit when you’re back. It’s your fault it ended anyway.”

It hurt. That was not even the worst thing he heard from his own mother but it still hurt as if it was the first time. It still made his heart ache as the door closed, as he tried to get some air and move. Everything hurt, his body and his mind. And he wanted to cry.

Yeosang found himself at Seonghwa’s door not much after that, his stupid body moving on autopilot to the closest place it recalled. But did it have to be him, the reason why he had tried to drown not long ago? _Stupid, pathetic Kang Yeosang. You’re fooling yourself and only yourself._

“Yeosang-ah? What are you doing here, is everything okay?”

He wanted to scoff, to sass the older and sarcastically ask if he fucking _looked_ okay, his clothing smelling bad and stained from the dirty floor, from the alcohol, his hair completely chaotic and his face puffy and red, eyes without focus. But he was so tired, so broken, he could only cry on the spot.

It didn't take long before his hyung reacted, pulling him inside his home and wrapping him into a warm hug, petting his hair and telling him that, no matter what had happened, it was over and it would be better now. That he got him now. The younger knew it was meant to be comforting but it only made him more bruised on the inside, mentally refuting every sweet lie that was whispered in his ear. _It will not be better. You have me in your arms now but soon it will happen again and I will be left to cry on my own a second time. This is temporary_ , he thought to himself as he let the tears fall.

At some point he felt nauseous, Seonghwa taking him to his bathroom and helping him release everything that was in his stomach, a hand on his back, a towel in hands, and an offer of water or a shower.

Yeosang felt a little better. He knew it was temporary and all, but he allowed himself to relax a bit.

His hyung helped him clean himself, lend some of his clothing and laid down on the bed, arms around him protectively. He somehow felt safe, something he hadn’t felt in… forever. He liked that.

But he knew it was temporary. He knew he couldn’t stay in here forever. Not with him.

“It’s been a while since you last came in”, Seonghwa started cautiously. “I was slightly worried. And then you came in _like this_ , damn, Yeosang-ah…”

“I--”

“You don’t have to explain. It’s just”, he stopped, breathing in and out. He tilted his head so he could see the other’s expression and he looked a little annoyed, but also it wasn’t it… it was some kind of frustration. “I don’t like seeing you in that state, you know that. Completely drunk and wrecked… It’s bad for you, you’re so young and all. I thought you had quit after a while but I guess you had a relapse, huh.”

“Hyung, I’m sorry--”

“Don’t be, baby”, he quickly said, kissing his birthmark. It made his stomach complain, but there was nothing else there. _Stop being so sweet. I don't want it._ “I know you have your reasons but”, he sighed, suddenly looking serious. “Leave them behind. Move in with me.”

Yeosang blinked. “ _What_?”

“Move in with me. I can help you with your alcohol problem and you won’t have to face your mom again.”

The younger pondered the suggestion. Well, yeah, it would be one less problem down if he moved out and lost contact with his mother. It would probably do him well, as bitter as it felt to admit that to himself, because she was still his mom. However she didn't like him, didn't love him, and she was extremely toxic. Staying would do no good to any of them. She will never change, no matter how much Yeosang hurt himself to try to achieve that. It would only make him want to drown even more. Therefore, his suggestion to move out seemed really good.

But move in _with him_? Seonghwa was the reason he had drunk that day, and many other days before that, it would only make him closer to another one of his issues, another one that made him drown. Living under the same roof would probably be just as bad, especially since the older could bring people in and ignore him, or he could spend the night away and leave him to himself, ready to throw himself into his addiction. Yet, the older probably had no idea what he did to him, that he was one of the reasons why he couldn’t quit.

“Isn’t it too close form home though? What if she gets mad and comes in here?”

Yeosang gulped down, hoping that the older would grab his bait and give up on it. He made a face, thinking about it. “I can always call the cops if she does something. You’re of age, it’s not like she can keep you as if you were her pet.”

“Hyung, I can’t--”

“I insist”, Seonghwa cut him, voice determined. “Or go to Hongjoong’s. He will probably not mind now that he’s got a small flat for himself.”

“I’m not that close to him, it would be so awkward.”, he replied honestly. “But if you insist for me to leave, I could talk to Yunho. His parents love me and I can’t bother Mingi now that Wooyoung is living with him. His parents are mad enough at him for that”

The older stared at him for a few seconds with a serious glare, an expression slightly confused. “Have you not heard?”

“Heard of what?”

Seonghwa’s frown got deeper. “These three are going out of town.”

“ _What_?! When? For how long?”

“I’m not sure, I heard from Hongjoong a while ago. Yunho had told him, and then he questioned Mingi and Wooyoung and they confirmed it. They just said it would be soon and”, he paused a bit before continuing, “they made it sound like they would never come back.”

Yeosang stared at his hyung as if he had grown another head. Since when had they planned this? Why now? Why didn’t they tell him? Okay, that last one was obvious, he wasn’t as close as the trio were. But still, how come everyone knew but him? Even Seonghwa knew and he was the closest to his fellow same age friend, not to any of the ninety-nine liners. And Hongjoong had a bad relationship with pretty much _all_ of them, with Yunho being his ex who was too nice to tell him to get lost, Wooyoung hating him and his possessive behaviour and Mingi not enjoying it either. But _he_ knew while _Yeosang_ didn’t, and they didn’t bother telling him. Would they leave without _him_ knowing, if Seonghwa hadn’t told him? He didn’t know, but it felt like it was the case. And how dare them to go without telling _him_? Without a simple bye, at least?

He would _not_ let that happen. But when he heard that he was still so dizzy, so sick, that he allowed the conversation to die like that and fall into a comfortable sleep, one that he honestly had lacked for quite a long time.

However, the moment he woke up the next day, still wrapped around the older’s arms, Yeosang allowed himself to be impulsive. He threw himself out of the bed and into his bathroom, ignoring his dizziness and not even thinking if he’d wake the other up or not, washing his face with cold water not only to clean it but to wake up faster. _He needed to leave and see at least one of them_.

“Where are you going with such a hurry?”, he heard his hyung’s sleepy voice coming from the door frame. He sighed, opening it and quickly moving past him without giving a glare.

“I gotta see them before they leave”, he said out loud. His head was spinning and it hurt but he was determined.

“Are you crazy? You have a hangover, you should rest.”

“Nothing some water and fresh air can’t fix. Who knows when they’re leaving, it might be too late if I don’t go today. Hyung, please, I need to see them even if it means that it will be the last time, I can’t let them just vanish from my life”, he blurted out without thinking properly. “ _Please_. I must go.”

Seonghwa seemed reluctant to do so, ready to reason with him, but a single glare at the younger’s wrecked, desperate face made it all crumble. “Fine, I’m taking you there by car. but at least change, and fucking eat something, Yeosang-ah. Take more care of yourself.”

He rolled his eyes at his worry but did as told, changing into his washed clothes - Park fucking Seonghwa, why so fucking _perfect_ until the end - and grabbing himself some small, already open snack and devouring it as the older took a short shower. He didn’t take long until he left, properly dressed, and made them something to eat that wasn’t some crappy snack. He couldn’t get why his hyung was being like that this time, especially since he was in a goddamn hurry, but he decided that he would sit quietly and eat it all. He didn’t really eat much the day prior and what he did he puked. He _was_ starving that fucking much.

And, shit, the older really cooked well. Did he really have to be this perfect? It was hard to be mad at him.

The ride had been really nerve-wracking. He didn’t know why he was doing that, what if they were asleep? What if they didn’t want him to know?

But still. He couldn’t let them go.

The moment that Seonghwa parked and turned off the engine, without thinking twice, Yeosang opened the door and jumped out of the car towards Mingi’s house, letting his instincts control his body again. He had expected the older to follow him but once he was facing the wood door he looked back at the car, and there was his hyung, eyes on him, still inside the vehicle. He breathed in and out calmly as he knocked on it, waiting what felt like forever. Thanks anxiety for kicking in at the right time.

The door finally opened and he had to try his best to not flee out of the place once he met eyes with Mingi’s father, suddenly feeling like panicking. He had never talked to the older directly, despite having seen him before and going inside his house once, when they all helped Wooyoung to move in. Yet he knew that the man knew who Yeosang was, or at least, he had _some_ idea. He knew his son didn’t have any straight friend, his last hope being the one who was now living with him after coming out, and that automatically made him dislike them all, no exceptions.

The man in question clicked his tongue once he recognized him. “I’ll get him for you”, he coldly said before Yeosang could even open his mouth, closing the door on his face. The will to flee and go back to Seonghwa’s came back, and it was taking him a lot of effort for him to not actually do it. But before he could grow the balls to actually do it the door was opening again.

“Forgive him, he’s been moody these days”, was the first thing that Mingi said once he opened the door again, leaning into its frame. “What’s up, Yeosang?”

The older breathed in and out again before speaking. “I heard you and the others are planning on getting out of the town and never coming back. Is it true?”

The tall man blinked at his question, stepping out of the house and closing the door. “Where did you hear it?”

“Seonghwa-hyung”, he said casually, but then Mingi lifted up a single brow. That action said it all, despite the lack of words. So he wasn’t supposed to know either, huh. “Yunho told Hongjoong-hyung who told Seonghwa-hyung who told me, apparently. So, it’s true, is it?”

“So this is why Hongjoong-hyung knew”, he left a sign, scratching the top of his head, and then slowly nodded at that. “Well, it was supposed to be just me but Wooyoung wants to go too and, well. I can’t let him here living with my parents, can I?”

“What about Yunho?”

It took the younger some time pondering about it before answering. “I’m not sure, honestly. Wooyoung decided to invite him in, despite me not really giving him such authority, and he thinks Yunho will accept it. I’m not so sure about that, honestly, but”, he trailed off. “Who knows. If he mentioned it to Hongjoong-hyung though… He might.”

Yeosang hummed at his answer, not really sure what else to say. He had so many questions before but now that he was face to face with him, he didn’t know what to say. “When are you”, he started softly, voice wearing off before he could finish.

“Tomorrow.”

“…That’s quite soon.”

“Yeah, well. It’s been on my mind for quite a while.”

“And you didn’t tell me once?”, he blurted out, voice still soft, cracking at the last word. Fuck, he was showing him all his weakness, wasn’t he?

Mingi’s eyes went wide at that, gulping down. Was that… guilt? “I-- Yeah, I know. Sorry. In my defence I was supposed to leave without _anyone_ knowing”, he left a sad laugh at that, “but I slipped it out to these two. I don’t know why Yunho told hyung but he did. I’m sorry you got to know it like that, I should have told you after I told them.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The older wanted to force a smile but he couldn’t. He wanted to wish him a good trip, tell him farewell, or anything like that, but no sound left his mouth. His throat was completely shut, as if he had swallowed something that got stuck. It was too hard for him to say anything, so he didn’t.

“I will miss you”, the younger admitted after a while. “You are one of the few I will miss from this stupid place. I know we didn’t talk as much as we could and we aren’t as close but I still appreciate your friendship. Even before you realized you also like dudes you never judged me, or Yunho, or Wooyoung for being who we are and I’m really glad for it. And you also gave us support, when I dealt with my break up, when Wooyoung got kicked out, and even during Yunho and Hongjoong-hyung’s unnecessary drama, you were there with us. Even if you didn’t say much it was enough. I can’t say it for them but I’m being honest, and I think you should know that before we go. I will miss you.”

Yeosang wanted to cry. No one has ever said that to him, no one really gave him any importance. And he wasn’t even the best of friends he could be, always quiet on his corner and only speaking when talked to. But here was him saying that it was enough for him. That he had shown his support despite the lack of words and that he was _glad_ for it.

Mingi was going to miss him. And he’s going to miss him too, and Yunho, and Wooyoung. He was going to miss them, he was going to lose them, and stay still in this stupid town alongside his mom and Seonghwa and no one else to befriend.

Yeosang was going to lose them. He couldn’t let them go.

But he couldn’t let them stay either. They would suffer as much as he would if he stayed. He couldn’t do such an awful thing to them, he hated this place, why would he want them to be in here? When they could run away?

Oh. _They_ could run away.

Wait.

“Take me with you”, he spat it out without thinking about his words, staring at the other’s eyes. 

“What?”

“ _Take me with you_. You’re taking these two as well, aren’t you? Then let me join you. I can’t stay here, not if you aren’t in here, you three are the only thing that makes me feel like something, like _someone_. I can’t go back into living like I was, living only for my mother’s toxic addiction while she beats and cusses at me. If you will be leaving then there is nothing for me here.”

Mingi blinked at that. “But what about Seonghwa-hyung?”

It felt like a punch in his stomach, remembering the older who was still waiting in his car. He was sure that the other had seen him, considering that he was standing in front of where his vehicle was, which only made his question tougher to swallow. But still… He couldn’t stay near the older. He had a point when he suggested him to move in with him, but doing that _would be just as bad_ , he’d still be around this stupid city, with his stupid mother, his stupid hyung. And far from Mingi, Wooyoung and probably Yunho. He couldn’t stay surrounded by people and places he so much detested if it meant him staying away from the others. He couldn’t. “I said what I said. Hyung is not half of a friend that you three are. Why do you think I hang out with you more than I used to? If he was more important than any of you I wouldn't be standing here and begging to come with you. Please, Mingi-yah. You can’t leave me behind in this hellhole. Take me with you.”

The younger had sighed when he finished his rambling, deeply concerned. He felt bad for cornering him like that but… He was a little desperate. “Okay. Come in tomorrow with one bag of what you need the most, we’re leaving after lunch.”

Yeosang couldn’t help but smile wide at that. “Thank you. Thank you _so_ much.”

The ride back home had been as tense as the one to Mingi’s, but his heart was much calmer. Seonghwa didn’t ask anything, not until his car was parked back at his garage and the motor now cold.

“How did it go?”, he asked carefully. He didn’t know how their conversation went and he didn’t want to assume, probably. “They are really leaving, aren’t they?”

He nodded. The older looked at his direction but Yeosang didn’t look back, eyes unfocused staring at the front.

“Will you think about my offer? About moving in with me?”

 _No, I will not. I’m leaving_ , he thought instantly. But instead, he nodded at the older, opening the car door and getting out, stepping towards his house.

“Wait, Yeosang-ah”, his hyung asked before he could go too far, and once he turned to him, Seonghwa’s lips went to his. Automatically, he kissed the older back, cupping his cheek to get more access, ignoring that any neighbour could spot the two of them. But he did it without thinking.

He didn’t feel a thing as he kissed him, but he still did it. It was automatic.

“Sorry, I just--”, he started once he broke the contact but then sighed. “Nevermind. Text me once you make up your mind, will you?”

“…Sure”, he lied, going back towards his house and entering, hoping his mother would not be there.

She was, but she had passed out, probably drunk, considering the bottles that he was certain that weren’t the many that he consumed the night prior. He felt relieved, the last time he had refused to buy her shit he was left deeply bruised, but if she was like that, he wouldn’t need to worry about it.

It would be the last time he’d see her anyway. And Seonghwa, and anyone else, really. So he confidently went to his room, packed his stuff, and waited for the next day. And once tomorrow arrived, he left it all behind, never turning back.

 

 

 

 

 

He had named the feeling. He had given it a name and it terrified him.

_Thank you. For not letting your love for us ran low despite the fear of what’s ahead of us._

Why the _fuck_ would Yeosang said that? He had no idea, but the impulse of doing that popped up and he just did it without thinking much about his reaction, as well as the consequences from his own words. It just felt right.

But it now felt wrong.

Not that he had lied. Not that he regretted saying it. But he had named the feeling.

 _Love_.

He didn’t know what love is. He couldn’t name it, he didn’t have the right to name it love. Yet, that was exactly what he did. And it wasn’t even what he _himself_ felt, he had told _Yunho_ that he loved them all enough to keep going with them, to not give up on them. What kind of audacity? Kang Yeosang didn’t even know what love is. He had never loved. Never really been loved. He had seen people falling in love, he was a bystander after all. Yeosang watched the way Mingi was happier, but never told them why, and how destroyed he had been once he was allowed to tell him, to tell the others, that he had been in love and that now his heart was in pieces. He had seen Hongjoong obsess over Yunho, and he saw the tall one have all of his own love consumed by the older. He watched people fall in and out of love, but he never felt in love. He didn’t love his previous girlfriends, he enjoyed his time with them. And they didn’t love him either, they were just there for his looks and backed off quickly once they get to know him better. He didn’t love Seonghwa, he was more like a teacher whom he got too attached to and lost control of his emotions. And Seonghwa didn’t love him, not like that. They were friends. Who fucked sometimes. But friends.

Yeosang didn’t know what love was, he had never felt it before in his twenty three years of living. But, also, he couldn’t tell himself he _didn’t_ love them.

He had named the feeling and despite feeling that he had done bad, he couldn’t let go of it. He didn’t know what love was but there was no other name for what that was.

“I think I am in love”, Wooyoung admitted to him once. There were tears in his eyes, he had hurt his sides as he slept, his muscle injured and the skin slightly cut, and woke up everyone in the house with shouts of pain, but somehow his heart ached way more. And he looked so _scared_. The older one knew the tears weren’t from his injury. “I can’t lose San, I can’t lose any of you. I think I will die if I do. Isn’t that love?”

Yeosang’s chest hurt. He wanted to say that he understood him, he wanted to comfort him. He wanted to go give him answers. But he was also terrified, deep down. And he didn’t know what love was.

“Come on, you should take a shower, we will talk after breakfast”, it was Yunho who broke the silence, signalling for the second oldest to leave the purple haired on his own. As soon as the door closed and the shower was on, he groaned. “Wooyoung needs to stop sleeping with that stupid bandage.”

“Don’t call it stupid. You know that--”

“--he feels better with that on, yes, I do. But him breaking a rib isn’t ideal.”

Yeosang could only sigh frustratingly. He knew Yunho had every right to be worried for their youngest and after all that happened, with San exploding at him and Mingi - also with a plausible reason - he was clearly stressed. “After today he will probably tell San and it will be as if nothing happened. And he will stop hiding and it might never happen again, but if he acts recklessly again we can properly scold him calmly. Just _not now_.”

The oldest nodded at him, despite wanting to refute, the two falling into a silence safe for the shower that was now on behind the door. They decided to leave it be and join the others in the living room, a huge elephant waiting for them. Mingi was on the couch messing around their small radio, volume low so only he could hear it, and San was across the room, just… sitting still, his drawing book in front of him but he was ignoring it. He was too deep in thought to produce any art, it seemed.

It wasn’t any of their business, it was San and Wooyoung’s only, especially their youngest’s, so they didn’t say anything to them. Instead, they each did their own thing, waiting for the shower to end.

Yeosang decided to make them some proper breakfast, considering that they hadn’t eaten yet, and was surprised that San silently joined him not long after.

“Everything okay inside that head of yours?”, he tried asking, eyeing the younger by the corner of his eyes.

“No. I mean, kinda, but no”, he started sighing. “I’m trying not to assume. There must be a reason why he nor any of you didn’t tell me about whatever happened for him to wake up in pain.”

He hummed softly in agreement. “Have you apologized to Yunho and Mingi?”

“You think I should?”

Yeosang glared straight at him. “You _shouted_ at them.”

“I had a valid point”, he said sighing, and the pink haired agreed with that, but also, that didn’t stop him for glaring. San sighed. “Fine, I will, later. Whatever.”

He caught himself giggling at his response. “Thank you. Do talk to Wooyoung as well, once he’s out if the shower.”

“Oh, that you didn’t need to tell me. I had already planned on checking up on him.”

“Good”, he said quickly, a comfortable silence growing in between them. They weren’t chefs but when you travel so much and in a large group you learn a thing or two, and Yeosang became their unofficial cooker. He was the only one who knew to do more than just ramyun considering that his mom would never cook for him. Or for her, sometimes.

Eventually the shower was turned off, but it took a good while for the purple haired one to leave and face them. Yeosang assumed he was trying to hold his composure before facing San, but said man was too worried for waiting and once the food was nearly all done he excused himself.

The older just watched, hoping that everything would end well.

(He knew it would, but he still had the right to worry for the two of them.)

Happily, for all of them, it seemed that the storm had completely ended.

San and Wooyoung had talked it out, it seemed. No one questioned that and they all silently decided not to pressure. It was obvious that the purple haired one had trusted the other and told him what he kept hidden for so long, and it was something everyone already knew. There was no need to ask, so they simply ate their breakfast, enjoying the moment. Yeosang shared a glare at their oldest, wondering if they should question about what the youngest had admitted to them, but in the end they decided not to. It would be better to give him so time, give _it_ some time, after all that had happened in a single day.

And somehow the subject was never brought again. Not by Wooyoung, not by himself.

And he just watched as things remained the same, like the bystander he always was, for a few days.

Until it changed, until one of them changed and stepped up, and he couldn’t just watch anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER and that the last scene was told without much in depth,,,,,,,,,, but it's explained in another chapter/s.


	3. song mingi, the sweet lover boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [shouldve_known_better_by_clean_bandit_feat_anne-marrie.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEj1214n73Q)
> 
> [i_have_questions_by_camila_cabello.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSdPkBKHqac)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, The F-slur makes a small appearance, Religious Fanaticism, Recreational Drug Use (pot and cigarette), Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms (the smoking), Non-Explicit/Mentions of Sex, end??? idk if the pet calling thing is worth the mention like a warning but??? it's there???? kinda mildly?????? and kinda in a relevant way???? heh. i hate my job

Choi Jongho was trouble. He knew it from the moment he saw the boy singing his heart out at church, voice enough to make him shiver on his seat, enchanting him. Making him want to know more and more. It only got worse once he discovered who he actually was, and he was more than certain that, for his own good, he should stay away. He was the son of the priest, and it wasn’t like Mingi had the greatest reputation in the church, always open about his relationships with both men and women. He knew the man hated his existence. He knew that if he tried to breathe next to his son would bring him only misfortune. Avoiding the kid, he’d be avoiding trouble.

But it was still _so_ tempting.

Besides, for some reason, the younger was always getting closer. Like a curious little cat who still had its guard up, in case it was needed to flee, yet deeply interested in what it saw. Jongho wasn’t dumb, considering his status in the church he had heard a lot, and people loved talking about what they didn’t understand, didn’t approve, ready to judge. People loved talking about Song Mingi. How he kept hanging out with weirdos at school, how he kissed girls but also kissed boys and didn’t seem to care about sins, even with the disapproval of his own parents who dragged him to church every Sunday, deep down wishing he’d finally accept God in his heart. Mingi didn’t have the best reputation and he knew that the younger knew it all. It was impossible him not to, he was certain he heard it all too. Everyone did.

But that was _exactly_ what had drawn him to Mingi, the rumours, the judging. And instead of killing the kid’s curiosity, he _fed_ it. Avoiding him at first just made Jongho hungrier for information, more eager to have answers, and it didn’t take long until it backfired, making the older man curious about him as well. Why wouldn’t Jongho back off despite knowing that he was bi? Despite being so hated by everyone he knew, his parents included? Why wasn’t he disgusted? And it wasn’t like he was getting closer to him because he wanted to convert Mingi or try to fix him. He had questions, wanted to get to know him, his identity, he wanted to _understand_ him. It made the older’s heart flutter and let him in. He had this stupid crush on him since day one, and it only made everything much harder to deal with. Jongho was clearly throwing himself in front of him and Mingi was loving it, but he couldn’t. _Shouldn’t_. It would bite him in his butt if he gave in.

And _of course_ he would eventually give in. He was Choi Jongho, the amazing choir singer a year younger than him, with a captivating voice and even more captivating smile, body in a shape too perfect for someone who was still in high school. He was stunning and he had Mingi’s heart.

He was trouble but somehow it didn’t bother him enough to run.

Mingi was too much of a hopeless romantic, probably. He loved to love, and Jongho had allowed him to love and be loved despite the circumstances. The younger didn’t seem to care about the prejudices learnt at home, willing to learn from his hyung instead, and he never seemed to be disappointed by his discoveries. The older had expected that they would be able to have a good time, share good memories, even if they didn’t last forever. He had expected that, if they once broke up, their time together would be good enough for him to enjoy remembering.

That didn’t happen. Sure there had been good memories, but the bad ones made him forget them. Made him ache, made him sob.

He knew damn well that once he gave in and fell in love with him there would be consequences, and that they could leave some scars. He just didn’t know he’d be left this wrecked.

“Put the volume up, Mingi-yah”, Yeosang said beside him in a low voice. They were inside the van, parked at a random shop’s lot and resting for the night, however, it seemed that the pink haired boy couldn’t sleep.

Well. He couldn’t either, so.

Mingi didn’t reply him, quietly doing as told without refuting why the other couldn’t do it himself, raising it only slightly considering the others were asleep on the back. “ _Kiss me on the mouth and set me free_ ”, the older started singing in a low tone. “ _Sing me like a choir_.”

He caught himself snorting at that, finding the timing too absurd. _Choir_. Mingi didn’t know English as well as their second or third oldest, and that was such a random word to know, its pronunciation so weird to his ears. But, sadly, he was familiar with it. Turning around, he noticed that his companion was staring right at him, still singing the lyrics as if he was serenading him. Yeosang moved one of his hands to brush his bangs away from his eyes, then caressing his cheeks, still singing along to the music. It felt really intimate and sweet, and without much thought he moved towards him, getting closer from the older’s face. It was quite dark, save for the led light that came from outside, from the market banner that wasted energy nonstop, yet he could still trace some of the pink haired man’s features, the shape of his face, his nose, his lips.

He couldn’t help but think, how could someone want to harm this precious angel? He didn’t know _all_ that happened with him, but he knew a lot, and it didn’t make sense. It was not fair. He deserved to be preserved.

“ _Don’t you wanna see a man up close_?”, Yeosang whispered the words, smiling kindly at the younger. He didn’t continue the rest of the song - it was nearly at the end anyway - but got closer to Mingi’s face instead, kissing his lips without asking for permission. He couldn’t help but smile under the touch, it wasn’t common Yeosang behaviour to take initiatives and reach out to any of them, but it only made the times of when he _did_ take them much more special.

Yeosang either kissed with kindness or with hunger, there was no in between. Yunho joked it was because he was a Gemini, despite Mingi having no goddamn idea of what that meant. This time, the older was kissing him with such softness, with such care, it made him float. It was super passionate, he could _feel_ it, it was a different type of want. It was the type of passion that ended up being slow and sweet, calm and relaxing, instead of desperate and craving. Kind of like a vow, a promise that everything would be okay, that things would eventually be okay.

At least he hoped that was what he meant.

“Is there something in your mind?”, the younger asked after the kiss ended, forehead meeting Yeosang’s. “For you not to be able to sleep.”

He took his time to think, closing his eyes and letting him enjoy the moment. “Overthinking. You know how much I do these.”

Mingi hummed. “Me too. I keep thinking about the past, but also what’s ahead of us. Mostly the latter”, he quickly added with a sigh. “With all that the five of us has gone through, I’m not sure we’ll be able to stop to fuck up and change.”

“Shhh”, Yeosang shushed him, kissing his cheek sweetly. Good, he was glad he didn’t misunderstand the kiss. “We will. It’ll just take some time to adjust. We will be fine, we always are.”

“We were always fine because we didn’t care.”

The older stopped his kisses, moving back to stare at him. “That wasn’t us being fine. That was us satisfied with our worst and telling each other it was because at least we were together. Sure we’re supporting each other but…”, he trailed off, looking at the backseat, with San and Wooyoung sleeping side to side, their shoulders and head touching, Yunho spread out on the other, further seat. “You said it yourself, this isn’t a life. This is avoiding one. At least one of us was sane enough to notice it and warn the others, because if you hadn’t said a thing I’d probably still think running away would be the best and only option.”

Mingi stared at the other’s side profile, letting his words sink in. And, once it did, he sighed. “I know, deep down. I just worry.”

“You should worry less. You’re not responsible for all of us”, he replied as he turned back at him, touching foreheads once again. “You know, I’ve been thinking…”

“Yeah?”

Yeosang didn’t respond. He felt like the older was still debating whether he should reveal or not, and it made him curious. He really wanted to know what was going on his mind, always so quiet when it came to his own personal thoughts. But then he was shaking his head. “Nevermind. It was stupid.”

“I bet it wasn’t. But I won’t pressure it”, he added quickly, trying not to show much of his disappointment. He decided to land a single kiss the corner of his eyes, where he knew his precious birthmark was, and then moved to kiss his cheek, his neck, pulling the older closer to his body to gain more access to his collarbone.

“Are you two fucking?”, Wooyoung’s voice came in suddenly, startling the two of them. “At least turn off the goddamn radio and be quiet, some people are _actually_ trying to sleep. Not all of us are like Jeong Yunho who sleeps like a goddamn rock all the goddamn time.”

Right. The radio was still on. They forgot that. “Sorry, Wooyoung-ah. We’ll be quiet”, the pink haired man replied in a monotonous yet flirtatious voice.

“So you two really _are_ fucking. Gross.”

“We aren’t, and even if we were, this is my van and I can do whatever”, Mingi replied with a fake offended tone. Besides, he was sure they all have fucked at least one in that van, safe for San. But knowing him, and knowing the others as well, _Mingi included_ , he couldn’t be so sure that it would better happen.

“ _Whatever_. Please just shut up”, their youngest refuted, going back to sleep.

Yeosang rolled his eyes. “Maybe we should sleep too, especially you, mister driver. So we can enjoy the sea tomorrow.”

Mingi nodded at him, but not before giving him a last kiss and wishing him nice dreams, taking his hand and allowing their arms to touch.

 

 

 

 

 

Yunho always said he was thankful for him. San did mention that they all were thankful in one way or another too, and he could feel he was right. That they _all_ genuinely were grateful. Not all voiced the thought but he could sense it, with the way they referred to him, the way they looked at him, the way his thoughts were so valued.

He didn’t get why. He was a coward running from his problems, dragging them with him and making them run from their own issues as well. He was no hero. He wouldn’t call himself a villain though, because he knew things weren’t black and white. Mingi was in the grey area, but definitely more towards pitch darkness. He wasn’t a hero or a villain, but if he had to sort him into one of these binaries he’d most definitely call himself _evil_.

He was evil. He was going to hell and the others were following him towards that exact destination, them knowing that or not. And he hated it, because that’s not the life that any of them deserved. Instead, they should be happy and chase their dreams, fix their flaws, _be better_. But they were stuck there satisfied with their worst. Sometimes it crossed his mind, that he really was cursed, impure, servant of the devil. Look at him, he had dragged _four_ innocent boys to hell with him. Maybe those comments had rubbed into him. Those from that stupid town. And maybe, just maybe, they were right.

He _knew_ they weren’t. But at times where he thought back, thought of the men who travelled with him, and how it was his fault that they were in such situation, the memory hit him back and insecurity grew.

“Cuddle with me”, Wooyoung suddenly appeared in front of him, throwing his body onto the older’s and resting his arms on his shoulders. The timing was bad but the younger would always get what he wanted when he wanted, so Mingi didn’t open his mouth to refute. The purple haired man rested with his face centimetres far from his, a smirk on his face and eyes with its pupils dilated. “Damn, you’re so fucking handsome this close.”

“You can see all my imperfections this close.”

“It’s your imperfections that make you _so~_ perfect though, love. It’s what makes you you and I would only ask you to be you. BTS once said, love yourself, so you gotta do just that.”

Huh, so he was high. “Did you finish up all the pot we had?”

The other pouted. “ _Maybe_.”

Mingi shrugged, but not a disappointed one. They had just moved in their house, their not-as-temporary-as-their-other-temporary-places house, and they had already had plans to celebrate it completely clean. Getting high this one last time was acceptable. “Good. We’re not buying more of it so we’ll probably not touch that ever again.”

His pout got wider, but he didn’t say anything else. He probably agreed with the slightly older anyway. “Thank you for being so… so…”

“So?”

“I don’t know. Conscious? Aware? _I guess_? I don’t even know if that makes sense, I can’t think straight”, he said with a poker face and then scoffed. “I mean, obviously. I’m fucking gay.”

Mingi rolled his eyes but he was smiling at the remark. “That’s not really something to be thankful for.”

“How not? Are you fucking dumb or what, you’re like our glue. You glue our tiny pieces together but also glue all of us into one single thing. We really should be thanking you every single day for being our precious glue”, he kept rambling, moving his arm in the air while still cuddling the taller, hitting him a few times. 

“I never thought I’d be compared to glue.”

“If you are offended I can call you tape instead”, Wooyoung casually said as if that was a pretty normal thing to call someone. The look in his face showed that he was being serious but really, can he blame him? He was high and, well. He’s Jung Wooyoung. “But like, you’re more like glue. Because you’re slim and tall. Tapes are tiny and round.”

“Like you.”

He blinked and pouted. “I’m not tiny.”

“Sure, you aren’t”, he scoffed. “So you admit being round?”

“Yeah. I mean, my face is. Kinda. My cheeks are round when I smile”, and to prove his point, the younger smiled wide.

Mingi sighed but was still smiling at the other. “You were supposed to say you aren’t round so I could call you tiny. But whatever, let’s stop with this pointless talk.”

“Yeah, let’s go back into talking about how awesome you are for being our glue.”

“I’m going to push you.”

“Nah, you aren’t”, Wooyoung said, holding the older tighter. Fuck, he had a point. He’d never. “But really, you’re so fucking awesome and great and kind and nice and you should be praised every single fucking day”, he paused, tilting his head. “We should make a new religion, Minginism. I bet the others would love it.”

“I hate it.”

He pouted. “Party pooper. But understandable. Still, you do deserve to be told every day that you’re the greatest, so you don’t forget.”

“But I’m”, he started, sighing. “Not that great. I’m like you and all the rest. I’m broken inside.”

Wooyoung looked at him sadly, face really close to the older’s. He looked to his lips a couple of times, debating whether he should kiss them or not, but in the end he decided against it. “Even the greatest people have their own issues, Mingi-yah. You’re our glue but we’re also here to be yours, to help you glue the tiny pieces of your own heart together. But there are four of us and only one of you, and you do the same job we do. That’s why you’re so fucking awesome. Your heart is so big you worry for us as if there were many of you.”

Mingi gulped down. “I don’t… deserve all of these praises. Not after everything that happened.”

The younger stared at him for a couple of seconds until he left a kiss on his left cheek. “It’s not your fault”, and he kissed his right cheek, “and it’s in the past”, he kissed his forehead, “and it’s not worth your time to remember. Sure you’re just like the rest but you never let it stop you. We can’t relate. We lost ourselves in this pool of problems and insecurities and everything else, while you kept standing and supporting us, stopping us from breaking more while still letting us do our shit and be happy, even if we were accidentally making everything worse. And even so, you stopped us from fucking up even more and told us to try to change. Seriously, you’re so fucking--”, he paused, thinking about a word to finish it. “You’re so-- _you_. I can’t even think of a better word to describe you, you’re just you and that’s literally the best we could ask for.”

He stared at Wooyoung’s face, not sure of how to react. Yeah, the purple haired man was high, but he had been really honest and it touched his heart. He deep down wanted to refute him, to say he didn’t deserve the praise, but also, he really wanted to believe him. He wanted to see himself with a different light, without hating himself so much. He wanted to see the Song Mingi that the others appreciated so much too. “Thank you, baby.”

The other blinked. “Did you just pet call me?”

“Uhm”, _fuck_ , he didn’t notice that he did it. “Sorry, I don’t know what got into me--”

“No! No no no, I _love_ it! It’s just that once you told us you don’t like it, remember?”, he tilted his head again, trying to remember when it happened. “I think I had called you lover boy or something? Like I do to the rest, and you told me you hate it.”

Yeah, he recalled that really well. And, well, he did hate pet calling. Not because of the action itself, he once really loved doing it. Mingi always loved to spoil and treat people he cares about in every way, and that involved giving them cute nicknames. It’s just that… it was hard for him to do that after _him_.

He sighed, putting the thought aside. It wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth it. And he didn’t need to live restraining himself for something like that. “I guess I hate it less now.”

Wooyoung smiled wide at that. “Yes! You’re my big baby now.”

Mingi smiled at him. “Sure, lover boy.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Hyung,  _please_ don’t stop”, Jongho had whined once during one of their makeout sessions. The younger was under him, at the backseat of his van, a little tipsy from the alcohol they had before, clearly enjoying the moment. The older had just moved away for a bit to breathe, but obviously, he was too impatient and thirsty for attention.

Mingi laughed at him. “I didn’t have any intentions to, baby”, he said sweetly, tilting forwards and claiming his lips another time. He had lost the count on how many kisses they had shared that day. He felt a hand move towards his hip, playing with the waistband.

“Hyung”, the younger was the one who broke their kiss this time, eyes closed and voice quiet. “I want more.”

That caught the older off guard, who spent some time staring at his boyfriend, expecting him to say it was a joke, but it never came. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, hyung. _Please_ , I really wanna”, he stopped mid-sentence, probably embarrassed to say it out loud. “I really want you inside me. Please fuck me.”

Mingi choked in air, not expecting him to be so blunt. But he wasn’t going to complain. “You _really_ want me to do it? _Now_?”

Jongho nodded impatiently, pouting in the process, one finger playing with the string of his hoodie. “Aren’t I your lover boy, hyung? I’m ready to be loved by you in every form. _Pretty please_.”

It was unfair how adorable he could look while begging to be fucked, yet somehow it was charming. He didn’t respond the younger with words, instead, he kissed him as he had never kissed him before, letting his desire take over him as he claimed his lips, his tongue, his neck. His boyfriend clearly enjoyed the change, leaving sounds that were swallowed by him. Mingi didn’t take his time to take care of the younger, but he wasn’t in a hurry in pleasing him either. Him, who allowed himself to be vocal about it, moaning the older’s name and letting him know how good he felt. They were alone and inside the van, no one would disturb them.

It wasn’t Mingi’s first time, considering the history of ex-partners and hookups he had, so he had pride in making Jongho’s first experience _mind-blowing_. He touched him with caution yet firm, quickly realizing that he reacted much more when he was rougher. In his imagination, the younger was much louder, but it wasn’t that the real thing was quiet. Jongho just wasn’t the type to shout, instead, he left short yet high pitched whimpers, littles _ah_ ’s leaving his mouth and hitting the older’s ears, with the eventual compliments on what he was doing to him. Of how good Mingi was making him feel.

It certainly was enjoyable for the two of them and he was happy that Jongho seemed happy. That Jongho was happy.

They didn’t have sex _that_ frequently, considering that they barely had time to meet each other now that the younger was in university, and that they were still hiding their relationship from everyone who wasn’t them - even the older’s friends, per request of his boyfriend -. Jongho hadn’t come out to his family, to the church, and didn’t seem to be comfortable in leaving the closet. Mingi understood and he would never pressure him. Besides, it wasn’t like he needed to fuck all the time. He was pretty okay without it being frequent. Honestly.

But it would be a lie to say he didn’t have expectations whenever they _did_ plan on having sex.  And sometimes expectations brought disappointments. Plural. One after the other.

It was probably an extremely  _marvellous_ idea to go to the younger’s house, even if he had assured his parents wouldn’t be home and that it was safe. And by marvellous he meant _the worst_ , the dumbest, the reckless idea they could ever have. Because Mingi knew the type of person his father was, and despite his mother not being as bad she was still a huge homophobe as well, and the risk of getting caught was still real despite Jongho assuring him it wouldn’t happen. So, really, fucking their son on their couch was a bad, horrible, stupid idea.

Because when the door opened and they were both on each other, some clothing already discarded, hickeys evident, there was no way he’d get away with an excuse.

Jongho could, if he lied to them. Mingi couldn’t. He didn’t have options.

He had left the place hurriedly, not even saying bye to his boyfriend, and was met with a long period of _nothing_. He had expected that his parents would get stricter, wouldn’t let his boyfriend keep in touch with him if they could restraint him, but it still ached. The lack of texts, all the avoiding when they were on the church, the way he looked away whenever they met one another by the campus or randomly by the streets.

Shouldn’t he talk to him about the whole incident, _as his boyfriend_? Who should probably love him despite having such awful parents? Nothing changed, except that his parents knew. It would be fine. He should be strong for Mingi, and for himself as well. He knew how it was to be hated by those who should love you despite all, and he had surpassed that phase all alone. Jongho had him.

Jongho _had him_.

The day he snapped and confronted had been awful. It was a quiet Sunday, Jongho had a solo - and _stunning_ \- performance and left soon after. He didn’t know why he had left earlier that day, especially since the priest and his wife didn’t, so he followed the younger, ignoring how offended his parents had been by his sudden leave.

“Jongho-yah”, he started painting, after he finally matched his pace and hold his arm. He abruptly pulled his arms forward though, his grip losing up. “Hey, talk to me.”

The younger turned quickly, face frowning. Was that look full of… disgust? _Why_? “Stop following me. Stay away from me.”

Mingi blinked. “Wha-- Jongho, babe, we _gotta_ talk.”

“No, we don’t. And don’t fucking pet name me ever again”, he frowned even more. “You will tell me it’s all okay, it’s all going to be okay when it isn’t.”

“What?”, he said exasperated, not getting where that was coming from. “What do you even mean?”

“You will try to convince me again”, he replied calmly but his expression was dull. “You will make me believe it’s okay to be a faggot.”

The older couldn’t believe what he was listening to. And the way he said the slur angered him, as if it was something despiteful, something gross, but didn’t even blink as it left his mouth. As if it wasn’t an issue for him to say that to him. _To his boyfriend_. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck is wrong with _you_!”, the younger shouted, ignoring the bystanders. “To try to take me with hell beside you, to be a fucking sinner. Why did you have to lie to me and say that it was all okay, that it was nothing to be ashamed of, that it wasn’t wrong? _When it is_?”

He was getting angry. Mingi knew he was simply repeating what he heard at home, at the church, trying to hide his true self to be accepted, but… “What the fuck, Jongho. I didn’t lie to you, and I didn’t fucking force you to do anything with me. You were the one who came to me and asked what it was like to like boys, to kiss boys, to fuck boys. You were the one who was curious about how it felt and you were the one who loved every single thing I told and showed you. That wasn’t my doing, that’s who _you are_.”

“I’m not-- I’m--”, the younger stuttered his words, not wanting to finish it. “No, hyung, you’re wrong. I’m not--”

“Gay, Jongho. Yes, you are, you are fucking gay”, he said firmly. “Despite you not wanting to admit it to yourself that is what you are.”

“ _No_! You corrupted me. You fooled me into believing that, but I won’t fall for that anymore.”

“Jongho, _please_ , don’t do this to yourself--”, Mingi said exasperated, stepping forwards. “You’re not alone, not wrong, _please_ \--”

“Back off! I’m not like you, I’m not your stupid babe or lover boy or whatever you used to call me! Now leave me the fuck alone, _please_. Forget me. Never ever _look_ at my direction again.”

The younger started walking again, probably towards his house, and Mingi could only stare in disbelief. He didn’t remember for how long he froze there, but he remembered he only moved when a random neighbour make a stupid joke at his direction, using the same word Jongho had dropped at him moments ago, bringing him back to the real world. That really fucking happened.

That really fucking happened.

Mingi didn’t have any strength in his body, the shock consuming all of it, but somehow he still managed to turn away, run towards his own home and hide under his blankets.

His weeks went by faster than usual. He only wanted to rot in bed but, if he did that, his parents would come in and try to guilt him into listening to God, telling him that Jongho had been right and that he should take it as a divine message to stop resisting. Mingi didn’t fucking need that, so after the breakup, his friendship with Yunho and Wooyoung (and Yeosang, when he was present) became the only thing he cared for. He sometimes joined Yunho’s self-defined rest, sometimes he got high with Wooyoung, sometimes he went out with the trio all together. He was barely home.

But that also meant he was _seen_ most of the time.

He knew that would be the new talk of the town, that the glares and gossips he tried so bad to ignore would be more intense now. _Wow, how dare he put his dirty hands on the son of the priest. Was he bored with sinners and so tried a challenge? Jongho is a pure kid who trusts God, he wouldn’t fall for that. He would resist the temptation of hell._

They never bothered him that much, the voices and eyes that kept chasing him, but they now did. Because it was about _him_. Because it also came from him. 

Him, whom he loved so much, and promised to love him back.

He knew there was a big chance that they wouldn’t be forever. That was too long, that never ended, and nothing truly lasted this much. People change and seasons passed. But this was nothing that Mingi could imagine happening, not after the way Jongho reached out for him first, introducing himself, willing to understand him and learn. Become a better person. Not judge what he didn’t know, not condemn what others blindly claimed as wrong.

And it hurt that he now agreed to them. That he now thought that Mingi was disgusting. It hurt, much more than what he was used to and he couldn’t stand the pain. Not this one.

He’d rather disappear instead. Disappearing was better than suffering.

And so he was gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes he saw San praying, and every single time, Mingi would stare. He would stare and doubt his eyes, question his sanity, and pounder why it was real. Why was San praying, and what for?

It didn’t make sense.

He knew the slightly older man believed in _him_ \- without the capitalized letter because that was, for Mingi, unnecessary - and he really didn’t blame him for that. He knew he was like himself, who was forced to follow his parents every Sunday into the church and talk to the one up there, forced to hear the priest ramble about how truthful and loving God was, but only to those who obeyed and behaved well. But he didn’t understand how he could _still_ believe in such thing after going through so many tough moments _caused by_  other people’s faith. After being judged, hated, _disinherited_. After being told he would be better off dead than gay, with all its words.

The eyes of strangers judging him from afar literally every time had _scarred_ him. He also had _literal_ scars from back then, considering that sometimes glaring and cussing weren’t acts strong enough to express the amount of hate and disgust they felt towards Mingi. It was frightening to remember, that was why he left that town in the first place, so he would never have to face such a thing again, not like that. And of course it only worked to a certain extent, they weren’t in an open, accepting country. Sure, the blue haired man didn’t particularly look like the stereotype of a queer man, but it didn’t make him any less of one. He knew that whenever they all went out and showed affection carelessly, some homophobic could, _would_ stare. At least not every skinship between two men was considered gay to their culture, but the fear was still there, and there were still people who interpreted it correctly and found it gross to watch, despite never averting their eyes. He heard people talking about God’s words anywhere he went too, about purificating him and the others. About fixing, curing them. Some blamed the devil, some blamed the foreigners. Regardless of the excuse for their hate, it still stung. He could try to ignore, to not remember, but it was impossible. It still hurt.

He had moved on but somehow the scar never fully healed. It still hurt and it made him angry just thinking about God. If there really is one, he fucking sucks. He isn’t this adorable, loving paternal figure the church loves to reproduce, he is cruel and heartless.

Pretty much like a strict father full of prejudices. Pretty much like priest Choi.

But then there was San, talking to God once every week or two, even if sometimes his prayers were in the format of small monologues, despite having a similar story. Maybe it was because he didn’t fuck the son of the priest, maybe because the hate wasn’t as expressive towards him. But he soon brushed the thought away since he did say that his family would rather him dead than gay. It wasn’t a competition, they both had been oppressed in different ways, but for the same reason. Their stories weren’t too similar but he could bet the other also had unhealed scars. He was told by his own parents that he should die because he went against God. That was a deep one.

Yet he still believed.

Mingi’s parents knew he was bi, and sure, they didn’t approve it and tried to convert him into a straight man, but they would never want him _dead_. Yeah, they were homophobic and biphobic, would treat his boyfriends rudely and thank Heavens when he brought a girl home, but _they would never want him dead_. He was still their son, and sooner or later they would probably suck it up and give up with the purification bullshit and, maybe, they would accept him for who he was. Or if he came back, they would have regretted their behaviour, since people do value more what they love once they lose it and miss it. Maybe, if he didn’t leave or if he returned, he’d be loved by them. He could never be sure, but the possibility was still there.

San couldn’t relate. If he came back, or if he had never left, nothing would have changed. He would still be hated and they would still wish he was something else, something they had shaped and idolized. And maybe that made the younger’s confusion grow more, because it was God’s fault that his parents disinherited him.

Yet he still prayed and had faith.

“Can I ask why you still believe in him, even after all that happened?”, he asked once. They were on their rented house for only a month but it felt so much like home it became a little scary, because Mingi was getting attached to a stupid place. But they all just fit so perfectly, there were already so many nice moments he’d cherish for as long as he could, that it was _impossible_ not to feel like that. It was unfair how fast it became his, or better, _their_ home.

San rolled his body to stare at him. They were all sleeping on the floor, the landlord had allowed them to sell the beds and so they had two mattresses to sleep instead. It was a little uncomfortable but at least the five of them could sleep together and they didn’t complain. “You mean God?”, he asked in a whisper, looking at the other with curious yet charming eyes, waiting for his nod. “You know that I have never really thought about it?”

“Why not? Your parents were religious, weren’t they?”

A nod. “They probably still are. They were the ones who taught me his words after all.”

“And who used them against you.”

He flinched at the word choice and the blue - well, most of the colour had faded and it was now grey - haired one felt guilty for that. Maybe he was being a little too harsh with such a sensitive topic. San noticed that though, cupping his cheeks with one of his hands and caressing it with his thumb, assuring that it was okay. “Well, yeah, you’re right. They did throw his words at me, saying I was sinning, that I was tempted by the devil, that he wouldn’t love me. But that was _them_ , not God. They hate me, they wanted me dead. Not God.”

“…I don’t follow.”

San paused a bit before continuing. “They distorted what God taught us according to their beliefs and claiming it’s his doing, but it really is not. It comes from them and only them… this is why I still believe in him. He is real for me, he gives me comfort, and loves me for who I am, for _all_ that I am. He doesn’t care that I would only date and sleep with men, he made me like this and for sure he accepts all of me. What they told me so many times weren’t his words, it was their own masked as God’s wish, but it was never about God. It’s about their own prejudices.”

He couldn’t help but simply start at the older, processing his words. It really made a fucking ton of sense. “I haven’t thought about it like that.”

“It took me a long time to realize that, if I’m being honest. Actually”, he left a short laugh, “I realized that while travelling with you all, so.”

The younger raised a brow. “How so?”

“I wanted to hate God”, he admitted quickly. “I wanted to blame him for making me go through everything I did. But also, if I haven’t gone through those hard days, I guess I would still be unhappy and living a lie without even knowing that it was a lie? I’d be satisfied with what I was told. And really, he never directly said anything. He gives us life and teaches us what he knows but he isn’t making us do anything, and despite we claiming that he knows all, sees all, even him can be wrong. And the same goes for my parents, and pretty much everyone who uses his words to justify their actions. He’s like a teacher in real life, if you think about it. If they tell you adding two plus two is fish - no, stop laughing, let me finish - you don’t _have_ to blindly believe that. You’re your own person who thinks for yourself and gets into your own conclusions. And sometimes when you put a little thought on it you realize your teacher is wrong and the correct answer is four.”

Mingi stared at the other, frowning but also smiling at his words. “I hate that your analogy is actually very explanatory.”

San’s smirk was visible even with the lack of light. “I’m a smart boy.”

“Shut up, Sannie”, he said rolling his eyes. “But thank you.”

“For?”

“Answering me? It was bugging me for a while now, and I’m glad that you gave me such a smart answer. I think I’ll be deep in thought about it for days.”

“Well, regardless of what you come up with, don’t forget that you’re perfect the way you are and that God loves you like that”, San smiled at him, showing off his dimples. “Welcome to the overthinking club, friend. Meetings happen every Saturday at eleven, we don’t like tardiness so please be punctual.”

The younger jokingly smacked his shoulder. “Be quiet and go back to sleep now, will you.”

“Only if you cuddle with me.”

“…Fine.”

“Yay!”

“Now _shh_.”

 

 

 

 

 

He didn’t really get why the others liked drinking and clubbing so much. The few times that Mingi got drunk had been horrible, his head felt heavy and everything was blurry but he still remembered everything. It still haunted him, the fact that inside his chest his heart was shattered in a billion pieces, tiny yet sharp pieces of glasses that cut easily if touched, hard to repair. Drinking didn’t help, it only made his demons more vivid. Same thing for getting high, it was like dreaming awake and he never likes his dreams either way. He was better off far from alcohol and pot.

Smoking, however, felt much better. Having the toxins wandering alongside his blood cells felt much more relieving, much more calming. It was a habit that he started before running away, but it wasn’t this severe. It took him a week and a half for him to finish up a small pack, but once his van became his house he found himself consuming them much faster, sometimes finishing one pack in a single day. He had something on his mind at every moment, and most of what crossed it made him stressed. The blue haired man knew that the relief he felt was just side effects to something that later on could end his life, but he would always put it aside. Because he needed it _now_. His mind needed to be at ease now so he wouldn’t snap, he reasoned. So that the others would have someone to rely on, someone sober, someone responsible, someone who worried for them all and would focus into solving their group’s issues. He needed to know what to do, how much they had, where to go.

Sure, now they had a house to - temporarily - call theirs, and so some of his worries had been solved. But there were now _new_ issues. The place would soon or later not be theirs anymore, either because they can’t afford or because they decide to leave on their own accord, and when that comes, he will need to be ready. Sure he had the others to help and support him, but he wasn’t the type of person to reach to others. He’d rather deal with stuff himself.

Besides, they were broken. They were all a little broken and even if they tried their best to not step on anyone else’s foot, sometimes they had misunderstandings. Even with the kindest intentions, sometimes shit happened.

It was normal for people to fight once or twice, he told himself, as San angrily shouted at him and Yunho. They were quite stressed, their tallest had been close to shouting at Wooyoung moments before too, and the green haired didn’t know what had happened, he couldn’t even fully understand the situation. He had many reasons to be confused and angry at them, really, so he didn’t blame the other for his actions. And he also knew that he should know what the fuck all of that was about, but it wasn’t Mingi’s secret to tell, wasn’t their oldest’s secret either. They would not say it, it wasn’t their place to do so. That was Wooyoung’s.

Still, they had argued, and he was stressed. So he played a little with their shared radio until finding a good station and let it rest next to the opened window as he lit up a cigarette.

“You said you’d quit”, Mingi heard someone speak behind him, turning to meet a soft brown coloured hair and worried eyes. They were alone in the living room, once the green haired left to help Yeosang with their breakfast.

He scoffed, looking at the object burning on his hand. “Yeah, I did.”

“But here you are.”

“Here I am, indeed.”

Neither of them spoke for a while, the younger keeping the toxin impregnate inside his veins and lungs, with Yunho quietly beside him. He knew he didn’t like it, he and San were a little too vocal about how much they didn’t like his habit, the same way they were vocal about Yeosang drinking and Wooyoung getting high, yet they never confronted him when he had a lit stick around his lips. The scolding would only come after it was smashed and no longer burning. Because they knew that, if he was by himself from the rest to smoke - usually far from the others, but this time he stayed inside their house -, there was something up. Mingi had a strong mentality on the matter, these past few months he barely smoked, he could stay _weeks_ without touching a cigarette. He genuinely wanted to quit. So, if he was consuming it, something inside his mind was on its limit. Something that forced him to believe he have no other option to get over it but smoke.

“You want to talk about it?”, he said instead. Regardless of who found him, when they did, they’d always ask the same thing.

And every time Mingi would frustratedly sigh, shoulders relaxing as he prepared himself to let it all out. “The whole arguing stressed me, I guess. Kinda understandable after all that happened right after we woke up, but…”

“There’s more into that.”

He took the stick to his mouth and breathed the chemicals in, turning to the window so he could blow the smoke away. “Yeah. Like, we’ve been doing this whole road trip thing for so long and it’s good that we’re trying to settle down and live better, to become better people. But we’re still so broken. It makes me think, _did I do right_? When I suggested that to San, when I shared my thoughts to all of you? Are we doing this right? Maybe we’re rushing things instead, trying to change slowly? But also, we might not have the money for baby steps. But look around, we’re all on our limits. Doing this could easily break us even more and I don’t think I can bear seeing you all getting even more hurt, I don’t think I--”

“Woah, woah! Calm down, if you keep going you’ll have an anxiety attack”, Yunho stopped him, curving his torso towards the younger and resting a hand on his back, moving in circles and trying to comfort him. “Breathe, go slow. Don’t overthink too much.”

“Too late. I’m already part of the club”, he laughed at his own words, remembering the conversation he had with San days ago, but did as told. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat. No need for panicking. Yunho was there for him, ready to hear him. It would be fine, just say what you want, _calmly_. They are fine for now. _Relax_. “But really, I proposed that so we could worry less and be better, but it seemed that we’re still so far from that. The worry is still here and we’re still lost.”

The older moved his body closer to Mingi’s, his unoccupied hand now caressing his tight. “It’s fine to worry about these things, but don’t keep it to yourself, okay? And don’t let it consume you. We’re all here, _I_ am here now to help us to get through this. We’ve been through so fucking much, saw so many things, we are damn strong”, he smiled at his direction. “But we have limits as well. If you keep it all to yourself only you will only break more, but if you share the weight we will all support you through your worries. So, really, open up more about them.”

He guessed the older had a point. He sighed, throwing his cigarette away. “I know that, I know it all. It’s just that you guys are _too_ important for me and I don’t want you to break more. It’s kind of a burden of how much I fucking care.”

“ _Wow_ , that hurt”, the other joked, putting a hand over his chest.

“Don’t be offended by that”, he poked the other’s forehead. “It’s just that I feel too much? When it’s about people I deeply--”, his throat gave up for a second, thinking of a substitute for the word he had thought of, “ _care_ about I just really want to protect them from any harm? Even if it kills me. This is why I took responsibility in my back, that’s why I worry in silence. It’s because you are all so important for me and I feel that your fates were changed because of me. I know you guys don’t think any of this is my fault, and I guess deep down I know it isn’t, but I-- care so much it stresses me, it limits me, and it shouldn’t. I know you are all there for me the same way I’m here for everyone but I don’t wanna bother and I’m _stuck_. Me caring should make me free, it should make me happy, but I can’t be any of that, I stop myself from getting these things because I want _you_ to be happy and free. I just feel too much.”

 _Because I just love too much_.

“This is not exactly bad, I guess…”, _loving you is not bad. I_ know _it_ , “…but I don’t know how to deal with it and lose myself.”

_I’m a lover but I don’t know how to deal with love without letting its thorns pierce my heart._

“But I don’t want to _not_ care. Even if it hurts”, he finished, not looking at Yunho’s direction.

“It doesn’t have to hurt”, the oldest finally said, looking serious at Mingi. “You don’t have to suffer alone because you think your feelings are burdensome. Everyone cares differently, and it’s not bad that you do, but it shouldn’t make you hurt”, he took a deep breath before continuing. “You should try to make it hurt less, and by that I _do not_ mean by smoking. I mean by _dealing_ with it. Don’t ignore it but try to fix it, even if you need us to back up.”

 _I don’t really want to tell you all this, though. Everything would get ruined if I do_ , Mingi thought but didn’t voice out, sighing instead.

“For real. Don’t rely on those stupid things to cope with your stress. We should find something else for you to quit. Like how Yeosang’s eating more sweets these days.”

“Like the old days”, he spoke in a quiet tone but Yunho had heard it. Mingi sighed one last time. “Fine, I will quit.”

“You already said that.”

“Okay, I’ll quit for real.”

“And that too.”

He glared at the older but, well. He was right. “Fine. I will quit for real this time, no relapses, no quick smokes, no nothing. That cigarette was the last one.”

Yunho had his brows furrowed and the younger thought he didn’t believe him, but then he nodded at his words. “Okay. Where’s the pack?”

“On my b--”, he stopped himself as the taller one got up and went to his bag, grabbing the pack.

“This is going to the trashcan, and once it’s there, so is your old self. If something is stressing you, open up to one of us. It’s what you tell all of us to do, so it’s only fair for you to do the same. And bother us more about decisions as well, don’t take every single responsibility on your back. Rely more on every one of us. Okay?”

Mingi stared at the package, still half full, and breathed in and out slowly. “Okay. I promise I’ll become someone better, for you all.”

The older smiled at him, trusting him, and dropped the pack on the trashcan.

Later into that morning, when they were having their breakfast, everyone sitting by the table and the tension eased, Mingi could feel the thorns piercing his heart again again. He knew he should talk it out with the others, like they always did when there was something going on with them, but he wasn’t sure that was something he could talk about them. Just like he couldn’t just drop the conversation of improving themselves, of stopping running from their problems and actually acknowledging them and moving on, this wasn’t something simple to just voice out loud casually.

He really was a big lover, one who could love the four of them at the same time with such passion. But he couldn’t tell them. They had to be better, to focus on becoming someone they’d be proud of. He couldn’t stop them in the middle by confessing, and also, he had to move on from his own problems as well. This was also something that bothered him, but it would be better if he didn’t mention it. If he did, maybe everything they’ve been trying to do could get ruined.

He couldn’t do this to them, nor to himself. And so he didn’t, waiting for the change to hit him, hit them all first.


	4. jung wooyoung, the sweet unsolved mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [mama_-_clean_bandit_feat_ellie_goulding.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao3XJ-UDdzI)
> 
> [sad_girl_by_perish.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8bTavzvitI)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! this will be probably the longest start note, but i feel like i must mention this before continuing.  
> so, as I was writing this continuation story I remembered what was wooyoung's issue and _also remembered_ why I didn't want to be explicit with it and just hint here on there on the first story. maybe you've seen the tags, maybe you got the hints i put on previous chapters, maybe you missed it, anyway. **wooyoung is ftm in here**. I considered changing his story and not letting anyone know my initial plans because I know the kpop community is used with homosexually being mentioned in fanfiction (I mean. duh) but I also know that most hate when the subject _trans people_ is brought up, since most people see it as "assuming one's gender incorrectly". I do get the point, but also that's the same as assuming people's sexuality through fanfiction in my eyes, so I decided to stuck to my old idea. his scenes will be mostly written with he/him pronouns, even flashbacks, because it's his current self remembering the past, safe for when he's having some dysphoric thoughts, especially from flashbacks, that sometimes I've used she/her pronouns. it'll make sense (hopefully) when you read said parts. I tried to bring in a bit of internalized transphobia/confusion with accepting/knowing your own gender so please don't misunderstand and call me transphobic nskfjdkndkd I'm literally trans myself and took me a while to be 100% comfortable with it. hence _why_ i am writing it in the way i am.  
> ALSO WOOYOUNGS DEADNAME IS WOOHEE IN HERE AND PLEASE ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN, its common for female korean names to end with -hee, although there are male names that end with -hee as well (chanhee, for example). names starting with woo- for some reason are way more common for males and i did try to find a new one but i didnt find one similar to wooyoung and i didnt want to give him a name too different or a name that was just made up and wasnt an actual korean name, and the only name that came in mind was woohee, which i know for a fact is not a weird name since dalshabet/uni.t woohee has this name, and has this -hee end that many girls has. so, yeah. it doesnt appear much tho, but heads up.  
>   
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN: Transphobia, (slight) Internalized Transphobia, Recreational Drug Use (pot) feat Drinking, Coming Out, Unsafe Chest Binding, Minor Injury (due to said binding).

No one really knew Jung Wooyoung.

Sometimes, he thinks that he himself doesn’t know who he’s supposed to be. Sure, that was his name, one that he had picked himself and adored  _oh_ so dearly, but what about his personality? His likes? Dislikes? Everything about that was a blur.

Jung Wooyoung was an unsolved mystery. And, in all honesty, he was quite satisfied with that.

He enjoyed not thinking about it. He was all about the feelings, about the _good_ feelings, about enjoying himself and having fun, being with people he loves and cherishing them. So, really, nothing else mattered. _He_ didn’t matter, not when he was with so many precious people that were much more better people by themselves than three thousand copies of himself side to side.

( _You are nothing. They are everything. So if you are going to waste their time make it worth it, for them all_.)

Wooyoung was nothing much, he would always tell himself. Nothing but someone who lived for the moment, lived to please, and for him, that was enough. He was himself. He didn’t need more than that, didn’t care for the details, didn’t care about the meaning of that. Jung Wooyoung was _Jung Wooyoung_ and that was it. It was fine.

It wasn’t for the rest of them.

He couldn’t always understand how much they actually cared, nor the reason why. He could hear them assuring him many, many times, and he would try his best to believe it. But he also… couldn’t trust those words, at the end of the day, even trying so hard to.

He couldn’t feel a goddamn thing most of the time. He was numb. _That_ was his normal.

They say that those who smiled the most were the saddest. They had seen a lot and, because of their scars, they got used with the pain. It was still there but they pretended it wasn’t, ignoring the pain, learning to live with it.

Wooyoung always laughed at that. He never felt this described before listening to that, and never found another sentence that held his story.

Because he had been thrown away by so many people, been denied to exploring his own personal likes, that he didn’t even feel a thing. He lived for the present only, getting wasted, getting high, and enjoying his time with the older four men. It didn't matter if they were on the same page or not.

( _They might leave you. They might discard you too. But it's okay, right, because it's the present that matter. If they leave then so be it. Right? Everyone does eventually. You’re used to that by now so you might not even feel it._ )

But then, he caught himself feeling a _lot_  and he didn’t know why. It was so random, it had caught him so off guard and it was… _scary_.

Jung Wooyoung was scared. He didn’t know what was happening, didn’t know what he was feeling, didn’t know what to do.

( _They might leave me. I already knew that. But I don’t want them to leave because they are so damn important to me, they're my everything, they are mine-- they have my heart._

 _They have my heart_.)

Someone help him.

 

 

 

 

 

He wasn’t always this sassy man that everyone knew. Hell, he wasn’t always _Wooyoung_. There was a time where his hair was as long as his back, where he owned a large collection of skirts and dresses and a pink room, alongside a name that never sounded right. He didn’t exactly hate his belongings, he always liked feeling cute and enjoyed getting makeup and pastel coloured clothing as presents whenever it was his birthday or Christmas. He would probably just rather some of the pink to be a darker shade of red or purple instead, the lack of variety bothered him a bit, but he didn’t really _hate_ it.

But he didn’t really _love_ it either.

He had an older brother - who he, _ugh_ , had to call oppa - and every time he got cars, robots, all cool kinds of toys on his birthday, Wooyoung would deep down envy, stare at his dolls and ponder why the difference in presents. When the boy got baggy, darker, cooler clothing, Wooyoung would stare at his millionth dress and wonder why he couldn’t have something like that as well.

The Wooyoung from back then - _Woohee_ , he remembered with a bitter taste in his mouth - didn’t get what was wrong with him.

His parents didn’t let him get what he wanted, raising him to be their little princess. His father had always wanted male sons only, but once  _Woohee_ came into his life as his daughter, he’d raise her to be the perfect woman, a delicate flower to be protected by him and, once she’s grown enough, by her future husband.

(Okay, that last part wasn’t _much_ of an issue for the child. Wooyoung had always been extremely gay and flamboyant, he simply didn’t realize that his issue laid somewhere else, being told so many times that liking boys made him straight instead.)

But even before the big realization, he didn’t like the idea of being treated like something so damn _fragile_. Something that had to be taken care of, like a child who couldn’t pick anything without adult supervision, who could get injured if left alone, who didn’t know a thing about the outside world.

Wooyoung wasn’t a child. Wasn’t submissive, wasn’t dumb. But that was how he was raised to be. Raised to please the expectations of others. Always told of who _she_ had to be instead of finding out by himself. 

Until he met Yunho and Mingi, that is.

Well, _kinda_. He still pretty much did what his two friends expected of him for a long time which, somehow, was nearly the same as his parents always demanded from him. To be a little princess who needed to be spoiled with attention and care. They never told him to act like that, but it was _implied_ because _everyone_ who ever spoke about his behaviour wanted him to play such a role. And he remembers playing the role quite well.

But the play ended fast.

“Why do you two always stop playing football once I’m here?”, he questioned offended one day, as he tied his unnecessarily long hair into a high ponytail. “I really like it too, you know.”

The boys shared a glare. “But you might get hurt.”

“Fuck getting hurt. I’m nearly seventeen, let me live a bit.”

He didn’t mean to snap at his friends in such a rude tone but he _had_ enough. He hated being babied, being treated like a piece of jewellery who had to be treasured from any harm. Wooyoung hated to be babied everywhere he went, and despite knowing it could happen with the two of them he didn’t like it at all. Shouldn’t it be different with friends? Sure they were older than him, Yunho by a few months and Mingi by a single month, but they were still the same age. He didn’t need the extra protection.

_Girls didn’t cuss. Girls weren’t rough. Girls should play house instead of football._

That always bugged her for some reason. She didn’t get how that affected _him_ , because those seemed like things any kid and teen could enjoy. And he really wanted to play with his friends. That was it. A kid who wanted to have fun with his friends. Being a girl shouldn’t affect the way she acts around his friends. They were all the same.

“Okay”, the oldest of the two said after a while. Mingi didn’t refute him and Yunho didn’t say anything else, being okay with that as well. Wooyoung had expected them to at least try to reason with him, repeating what his parents often said about what _he_ had to do, who _he_ had to be, what kind of posture _he_ must have, especially in front of other boys.

But they had just agreed, handing him the ball, telling him to join without actually voicing it.

And he enjoyed it a little _too_ much, he guessed. But he wasn’t going to deny himself a little bit of joy, so he let the thought slide and ran with the ball on his feet and a grin on his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung couldn’t really understand what San was suggesting.

Okay, he kind of did. But it still felt weird, and he still didn’t want to accept it.

_We should change for the better._

He scoffed at that, remembering the words that he and later Mingi dropped out. Why the effort? Weren’t things completely fine not long ago? They had gone out two nights prior, got shitfaced, and no one complained while they were at it. Yeosang had a terrible fucking hangover, and so did he and San too, despite being lighter, but no one said a thing about it being the last time they’d do it. Okay, _yeah_ , the pink haired did, but he’s always saying that he’ll quit drinking every time he got hungover but never _really_ stopped, so that didn’t count. But other than that everyone was settled with it. It was how things worked for the five of them and no one had ever given the responsibility talk, so why _now_? It was probably too late anyway, they were all so used with this lifestyle, and their dynamics had _bloomed_ like that because of this scenario. Because of this whole road trip thing they arrived where they were now. It was _part_ of them, so he couldn’t really understand why they wanted to leave it all behind and - _ugh_ \- become someone better. Everything was fine the way it was.

All _seemed_ fine. And maybe,  _deep_ down, it really wasn’t, but Wooyoung didn’t want to think about future outcomes. He wanted to have fun _now_ , with the four of them beside him. They had had lots of fun before, despite their situation, it should be enough. _Always_.

Yeosang had come to him after he left their rented flat but didn’t question him, didn’t ask for explanations. He didn’t say a thing, just held his hand, assuring that not only him but the others would still be there without actually voicing out his words. He would never ask first, instead, he would wait for when he was ready to open up. Every single one of them gave each other space, it was a thing they all did without thinking much about it. It was automatic and obvious for them, considering how broken they were. But their second youngest was _always_ like that. Never asking, only observing, silently showing his support and only opening his mouth when he was told to. When he was talked to first.

The purple haired sighed. “Kinda thought you’d side with me. That you would get my point of view.”

“But I do”, he started after a few moments of silence. “But I also get theirs.”

 _I get it as well_ , he wanted to say but, instead, he sighed once again. He reasoned that maybe he didn’t fully get it. Wooyoung said that he understood yet didn’t agree, but did he, _really_? Maybe he couldn’t understand it, didn’t want to understand it. Because he was too comfortable to even consider their point.

He lived for the moment and he loved that. He loved being carefree, loved not needing to worry. And he thought that they were all on the same page, but that all went down with the conversation that had happened not long ago.

Fuck. He didn’t worry at all _but Mingi did_. While they partied, got high and drunk, Mingi would always worry for their well being and would never join them, or when he did, he’d be careful. And he could only share the worry with San, because he knew they were all goners. All of them but San, apparently. He was broken as well, just as bruised from his past, and probably because of that he blended in so well so fast, but also, he had been doing this for _half_ the time the rest of them started. He didn’t know everything about them. Hell, six months ago they were complete strangers. But still, the green haired man became part of their thing, and he _also_ worried. He also cared, and wanted them to be better than they currently were.

That was probably why Mingi trusted him to help him have this talk, because he had been affected less about their toxic approach but was caught in it as much as the rest.

“They don’t want us to change immediately, that’s not even possible. But we can’t be reckless _forever_ ”, the other started softly, resting his head on his shoulder, playing with his fingers. “Put some thought on it. We can-- we _will_ talk later. No need to rush.”

And later came in, well, later than their youngest had expected. They left the flat, they hit the road, and no one questioned about it. He assumed that the others were waiting for him to think about it on his own accord, to get his own conclusions, so that he wouldn’t react similarly to his first reaction, and in all honesty, Wooyoung was glad. Because, indeed, he needed a lot of time to digest it fully.

There was one night where they were asleep in the van that he got his answers. And a lot of new questions, as well as new emotions. New _fears_.

It used to be so simple. He did what made him and his companions happy, what made them forget about their wounds, and that was it. Yesterday didn’t matter, tomorrow was yet to come. Only today was his priority, it was all that mattered.

But then it hit him. What if the van broke? How would they fix it? Would they even _be able_ to fix it? Where would they live in after that? What about the food? They could steal but what if they got caught? They’d go to jail and would most likely rot there, and maybe he’d even separated from the others. Their lives could end in a blink by the way they lived. By the way _he_ lived, thinking only about now and never about later.

It all hit him so fast and suddenly he was so scared of everything.

He didn’t know when he started crying but he did, his small frame shaking under the long jacket - Yunho’s - that he was using as a blanket. He really wished that he was left unnoticed, trying his best to keep his sobs as quiet as possible, but then Mingi, who was sleeping next to him, made a small sound and was soon awake. “Woo…? Everything okay?”, he said in a sleepy tone, and the younger knew that he’d soon fall back to sleep if he didn’t see his state.

“Y- yeah, it’s okay, I’m okay”, he said with his voice quiet, tone betraying him.

He had hoped it would be left unnoticed by the older, but that didn’t happen. “Are you crying? _Wooyoung-ah_ ”, he was wide awake now, wrapping his arm around him and petting his hair. “What’s wrong?”

“N-- nothing, I’m just”, he left a sob, “worried.”

“Worried? For what?”

“ _Us_?”, he said, voice cracking again. “I was-- I was thinking about what you and San talked on the other day, and I-- I’m just _worried_. This is so scary.”

“Shh, don’t worry, we’re all here. We said we’d talk it out and do it slowly, right? There’s no need to be scared. It’s fine. Now go back to sleep, hmm? We can talk about it once we hit the beach, what about it?”

Wooyoung found himself nodding at the blue haired one and hugged him, resting his head on his chest and trying to fall back asleep. He wasn’t very successful at that, but even so, his heart felt much calmer and his tears dried.

They had reached the beach after lunchtime, so it was still quite warm, the sun threatening to hide behind the horizon. Still, it was such a pretty view, with them all laying down on the sand, ignoring the fact that it would be impossible to take it off later. Wooyoung, at least, didn’t want to worry about this mundane thing, he wanted to appreciate the calm atmosphere with the older ones, breathing in the breeze and letting his mind be occupied with them only. _At least this one last time, let us forget about tomorrow_ , he told himself. He’d cherish this memory forever, but for that, he’d have to relax and absorb it _today_.

“I’ve made up my mind”, he suddenly said, eyes still focused on the sky, on the horizon, on the sea. He didn’t know if the others were looking at him or at the sky as well, but he knew they were listening. “I want to change, to be someone better, too. I want us all to be someone better. _Together_.”

It took them a while for him to get his reply. But when he got it, it made him smile.

“Thank you”, Mingi had said. “We will get better, be someone better. It will take some time but I promise you, we will.”

The others had said what was on their minds as well, and they all agreed to support each other and help them to improve. San breathed in, sharing a new idea that had been in his mind for a while. It was new, it was a big step, bigger than any step they had ever taken, but they all agreed right away to take it. They’d all move forward.

 _Together_.

 

 

 

 

 

It started with Wooyoung.

Somehow, evreything always started _with_ Wooyoung or _because of_ Wooyoung. He didn’t know why, nor any of his companions did, but he assumed it was because he always spoke before thinking, always moved before thinking.

The thing was, he really, _really_ wanted to kiss Yunho in the mouth. He was so attractive, so charming, and so sweet, he was sure he’d taste just as sweet. But as soon as he realized the thought, it would always make him feel weird in his chest, it felt tight and confusing, because everywhere the oldest went, Mingi and Yeosang were there too. And, well, he quickly realized that really wanted to kiss them too. If only he had three heads, or like, three mouths, so he could kiss them all at the same time.

Did that make sense? Probably not. But he was high as fuck and, thus, he considered it was only fair for his thoughts to be all over the place, to not make any single sense.

“Let’s play truth or dare”, he shouted and clapped suddenly, grabbing an empty bottle from their pile. “This is not a suggestion, by the way.”

“You’re annoying.”

“And you’re a pussy, Mingi.”

“You’re literally the only man who has one in here, Wooyoung-ah”, the oldest pointed out.

“Hence why I’m the superior bitch of this squad, and the only one who can use it as an offence. Anyway, here we go”, he turned the bottle before anyone could complain, which landed on Yeosang.

“Oh, come _on_ , I didn’t even say a thing--”

“Truth or dare, Yeosang-ah?”, the youngest asked with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes. “Truth.”

“Boring. Did you have feelings for Seonghwa-hyung?”

He scoffed loudly. “No. Who goes next?”

“Me, let’s go clockwise”, Mingi said in between Yunho and Wooyoung. He smirked when it stopped in front of their youngest. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare, obviously.”

The slightly older boy took the cigarette from his mouth and gave it to him. “Smoke it for ten seconds.”

He furrowed at that but they all knew that Jung Wooyoung never refused a challenge, as disgusting as it was. So he took it, inhaled the toxic steam and tried not to cough it out, counting mentally. Obviously that didn’t go well and he tried his best to keep his calm, coughing heavily once the ten seconds ended. “This shit is disgusting.”

“I know”, he simply said, taking it back and smoking it, not caring about it being in another mouth previously. “Your turn, big boy.”

Yunho rolled his eyes, spinning the bottle, but then it stopped on himself. “Uh, what do I do now?”

“Just spin it again, you dumbass”, Yeosang said in a monotonous voice. “You’ve been to parties more than the rest of us _combined_ and you don’t know how the game fucking works?”

“Shut up, clubs aren’t the same as parties, this is my first time doing this”, he said, spinning it again. It landed on the second oldest, who complained that he had to go again. “So, what’s it gonna be, smartass?”

“Truth.”

“Lame!”

“Shut up, Woo”, Yunho said as he laughed. “Would you fuck Seonghwa-hyung?”

“Why are you only making me questions about him?”, he said in a bored tone. “ _This_ is what I call lame. And yes, I would. Been there done that, actually.”

The three of them stared shocked at him. “Y’all fucked?”, it was Mingi who asked, his voice cracking at the last syllable.

“I thought that was obvious”, he said with a shrug, gulping down a bottle of soju, probably his second or third already, and he had smoked some pot before as well. He was _so_ going to be dead by the morning. “Wait, it’s now my turn, isn’t it. Stupid game.”

The game remained for a few more rounds and the dares and questions kept getting more and more personal. But somehow Wooyoung didn’t think that was a bad thing. Maybe it was his high from the marijuana but he didn’t put much thought on it because he was _loving_ it. He was enjoying that he got to know the others better, more intimately. Yes, they were friends before all of this escape of theirs, but this was different. It was _just_ them, no parents, no exes, no hateful, judgemental people. There were only Yunho, Yeosang, Mingi and Wooyoung sharing their stories, making fun of each other, having some joy that they lacked before. And he really loved it.

“I dare you to sit on one of our laps for three rounds”, Yeosang had told the youngest at some point, all of their drinks consumed and cigarettes used.

“Kang Yeosang, you’re too soft”, he shrugged, moving towards Mingi, who was the closest to him.

“God, stop complaining over a stupid game, will you.”

He stared at the older with an annoyed expression and then huffed, sitting on his lap instead. “You only accept truths and your dares are boring. You’re fucking tedious.”

“And you’re fucking annoying.”

“Then I guess we’re a match made in hell”, he laughed at that, moving forward, since it was his turn. It was a little awkward to move now that he was on the older’s lap but he managed, spinning the bottle. “Yunho! Truth or dare!”

“Dare.”

“ _Great_. I dare you to make out with someone in here.”

The older visibly gulped at that, probably expecting something lighter. All their eyes were on him, waiting for his next move.

Wooyoung knew he wasn’t alone in this. He could feel the tension sometimes, the expectation of someone to mention the elephant that travelled with them inside the van, this pulling they felt around each other. _This mutual desire_. He was glad he had said something even if in all his honesty, he blamed his high for such action. He was certain that, otherwise, he would probably never say it, not that bluntly. But he wasn’t in his right mind, the alcohol and pot messing up with his actions, making him even more impulsive and impatient as he was when sober. So it was decided that now was the time.

Yunho seemed to be debating who to pick and it was both infuriating and amusing. Because he was dying to see him make out with one of them, but also, he was loving that he couldn’t pick, hoping that it meant he wanted to kiss them all. He really hoped it meant that he wanted to kiss every single one of them.

Or, well, the other two at least. The oldest was gay and had known Wooyoung before he discovered that he was also a boy, so he had high suspects that Yunho would never be attracted to him _like that_. Even if he found him handsome he lacked a crucial part, there was something missing that would disappoint him, and he _knew_ that very well. So, really, he didn’t have expectations that he’d want to kiss him back.

He was a boy but he wasn’t a real boy. Yunho would probably be too repulsed and never be attracted to someone like him.

“Just fucking do it”, Mingi has joked impatiently.

“But I don’t know _who_ to kiss.”

“Does it even matter? It’s just a kiss”, Yeosang said under the youngest, tone impatient as well, but somehow it felt like a bluff. It felt _fake_.

Yunho gulped down, eyes closed, and moved to his right. Wooyoung had assumed he had picked the second youngest - great choice, he’s so fucking handsome and has such pretty lips - but then the older opened his eyes and it met his.

And in a few seconds, his lips encountered Wooyoung's.

He usually really fucking hated being wrong, but when he felt the tall man’s lips on his he felt such an incredible joy. Being wrong never felt this good, _never tasted this sweet_. He caught himself smirking at the kiss as the other tried taking the dominance, biting on his lower lip and tilting his head so he could get more space to work with. There was a hand on his cheek and another on his hips, pulling him forward, but the pair of hands that were holding him in place - Yeosang's, that had been there since the youngest sat on his lap - didn’t let him go too far. It was then when he realized he was being watched, not only by the second oldest but by their second youngest as well, and somehow it only made him feel better. Feel _hotter_. It only made the entire thing much more enjoyable.

Yunho broke the kiss and he tried to follow his lips, wanting more of it, which made him laugh quietly. He turned slightly to the side, eyeing Yeosang. “Just a kiss, huh?”, he teased.

Wooyoung decided to stare at him as well and he was so red, eyes focused, his lips slightly bruised. Had he bitten them? It seemed like it.

Fuck, the fact that he made the older react like that… Made him feel really proud.

“That was… _way_ too hot”, it was Mingi who broke the silence, eyeing the three of them. “A shame that Yeosang had a better angle.”

Yunho smirked at him. “We can always repeat it in front of you if you’re _that_ interested.”

“Fuck, _please_ ”, it was Wooyoung who said it. “I thought about this so much-- I’ve wanted to kiss you so much, all of you, so fucking much. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought about it.”

“I… have”, Yeosang admitted. “But I thought you would find it weird. You three know each other better than I know you, and I thought I shouldn’t have these thoughts.”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve thought about claiming your lips since before the hyungs told us what your name was”, Wooyoung admitted.

“Same”, Mingi said without much thought.

“…Same.”

The boy in question blushed at that, feeling shy at their confession. It was cute, they all silently concluded.

The youngest looked away from him. “And what about you two?”

Yunho and Mingi gave each other a glare, thinking about the question. “Well”, the younger of the two started, “you’re hot as fuck. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about it before.”

“I could say the exact same thing about you.”

Wooyoung smiled in satisfaction after their answers, clapping his hands together one more time. “That makes everything much easier, then.”

“What do you mean, Wooyoung-yah?”, the oldest asked.

“If we all wanna kiss each other, let's just”, he smirked at them in a flirty way, “do it?”

 

 

 

 

Wooyoung’s self-discovery was quite frustrating, he concluded every time he remembered how it went. Yes, it was sudden, but not completely uncalled. There were so many hints over his face that he should have fucking known before.

Wooyoung didn’t let the older duo use his full name. He had many girl friends who had a name that ended with either _won_ or _hee_ , just like his, and that genuinely bugged him for some reason he couldn’t explain, so he told them to just call him by Woo instead. Since he couldn’t dirty his clothing with earth or accidentally scratch it he often wore a shirt from the boys, clothes that felt much more comfortable in him. He had cut his hair short and loved when people called them a trio of dudes, even if that was meant to be offensive to him.

(Him cutting his hair had actually been an inside joke of them once the name calling started, but somehow Wooyoung got really comfortable with the idea and impulsively cut his hair. His parents had gotten extremely mad when it went missing from his head, and he had promised to never ever do something that drastic and impulsive again. But he had felt such freedom at looking at his reflection in the mirror and of not having anything poking his neck and shoulders when he ran that he refused to let his hair grow, repairing it from time to time. It didn’t always look great, but he got the grip of the thing quickly.)

The signs of who he was were clear, easy to be spotted. But he didn’t, and once the full realization hit him he was _terrified_.

“This is my boyfriend, Hongjoong-hyung.”

He had blinked at that, taken aback from the information. Okay, Yunho had a boyfriend, sure, that was fine. More than fine, even. He had told the younger that he was gay, as well as Mingi saying that he was bi, and he was happy that his friend was happy with a partner he _wanted_ to be. That wasn’t what bugged him.

 _Hongjoong-hyung_.

That boy was older than Yunho.

The three of them were the same age and so Wooyoung never needed to call him or Mingi by any honorific, even if he was younger than them both. And he didn’t befriend anyone older than himself, anyone born before nineteen ninety nine, so he never had to use the honorifics to someone who wasn’t his real older brother, who after graduating university moved out and rarely visited their parents. But there was _him_ , this stranger, being Yunho’s hyung. Which meant… he was…

 _Hongjoong-oppa_.

He frowned at that without thinking much, and to make it worse, it didn’t go unnoticed. The boyfriend’s grin instantly dropped, looking away from him. From _her_. No, him was right.

“Is that… okay, Woo?”, his older friend had asked and it hurt how he seemed sad at her reaction. _At his reaction_.

“I’m”, he spoke quietly, trying to voice out something but it didn’t leave his mouth. He grabbed the end of the shirt he was wearing - which was Mingi’s and made him look much smaller than he was - and tried to breathe in to calm down. “I’m happy for you.”

“You don’t… sound happy.”

Mingi put a shoulder on her - _his_ \- shoulder which made the younger flinch. “Is everything okay, Woohee-yah?”

“ _Don’t call me by that name_ ”, she hissed aggressively. “Don’t call me by that ugly name and don’t expect me to call him-- to call him by op--”, she stopped her words to let her tears suddenly fall, a body that probably belonged to Mingi wrapping her into a hug.

“Sorry, Woo. It slipped”, the taller said as he moved his hands in circles. He turned to the couple and spoke something that the other didn’t catch and, in a few moments, steps were heard.

 _Please tell me they’re both gone please please_ please _\--_

“Woo-yah”, great, that was Yunho. “Are you calmer now?”

Gulping down and cleaning his cheeks, the reply was a nod and a hmm, as well as a curious stare. The oldest was smiling at the other, which didn’t make sense at all. She had been rude. He should be mad at her.

“Is there something you want to tell us?”

Wooyoung sighed. Did he? It was stupid. Not wanting to call someone by their honorific was _rude._ It was offensive to Hongjoong. But also… “Your boyfriend is older than us.”

He nodded slowly, trying to understand the issue. “Yeah. He’s born in ninety eight, so he’s my hyung, and your--”

“Don’t finish that”, he spoke quickly, breathing in again. “Can’t I call him by hyung too?”

“You want to call him by hyung?”, Mingi was the one who asked carefully as Yunho froze, deep in thought. “Is there a reason why?”

He shook his head. “No. I mean, I don’t think so? But the idea of calling someone op-- _oppa_ makes me sick.”

“Don’t you have an older brother?”, the one hugging him reasoned.

“Yeah but--”, he didn’t know what to say. Yeah, he called his brother by oppa. But she was told to do it since the day she was born, he was used with calling him oppa. It didn’t mean it was comfortable, though.

“What if I was dating a girl?”

He furrowed his eyes. “Yunho, you’re gay.”

The tall one rolled his eyes. “Fine, what if Mingi were dating a noona and he introduced her to us, would you call her by unnie?”

He didn’t need to put thought on that, instantly shaking his head. “No, it’s… just as weird.”

The older nodded. “Okay. I get it now.”

“You do?”, Mingi asked, clueless. Wooyoung was also confused.

Yunho sighed. “Woo, I’m not sure if you are actually a girl.”

And that was when it hit him. _A girl_. He was still seen as a girl. He was _supposed_ to be one.

It was often that he forgot about the small detail of his life because the duo never treated him too differently. They were all equals, just a group of friends, something no one did back home.

Oh yeah. Because his parents want him to be a perfect baby girl. Something he had never wanted to be himself.

Shit. _He’s_ not _a girl_.

It was so obvious. It was so goddamn obvious, by the hate he felt with the way he was always being doted on for being a girl, the way he was expected to be a little, defenceless princess for being a girl, the way people thought he should be pure and kind for being born a girl.

Except that _Jung Woohee was not a girl_.

He was not of these things. He was not Woohee. They were wrong. They were lying at him since day one.

And that _sucked_. He had tried to be what they wanted for so long, blindly believing what he was told. He decided to shape himself as a princess, as a delicate flower, as a precious pearl. But now that he knew he didn't want to be that, that it was not who he was, it was _toxic_. It was toxic to pretend, to keep quiet and accept. Every time someone called him by the wrong pronoun, used his old name rather than his recently adopted one, it was like a new knife was pierced into him.

He couldn’t just tell them the truth. He knew what would happen if he opened his mouth, because not everyone was like the Jeong family, not everyone would grab onto old teachings instead of love. Some people had twisted visions like the Song’s.

Some people had twisted visions like the Jung’s.

And so, she played her role for a little longer.

She played pretend until _he_ couldn’t do it anymore. He was twenty one, so happy with living his life out for his friends, for the hyungs who often hang out with them too. He _hated_ that he was Wooyoung only outside his house.

So he told them, deep down hoping that the love they had for _her_ would be more important to them than their biased views and that they’d still love him for who he was. But he knew better and had no expectations.

And, well, he already knew the outcome, so once it happened, he was ready. His bag had been made beforehand, and his heart was too numb to ache, metal walls protecting it from cracks.

Of course it still made him sad, but at least he didn’t need to ever enter the only place where he was still Woohee again. So really, it was not a loss. It was a victory.

He now could freely be himself.

 

 

 

 

 

The thought of that being an issue to their latest companion had never crossed his mind. It was naive of him, _probably_ , but he was so used with being read as who he was, so used of being surrounded by people who already knew it and supported him, that Wooyoung never thought it could be a bad thing for _any_ of them.

(He still remembers when Yeosang discovered about his body and it was all so _funny_. Because they knew each other for a long time, yet, when the older had met him and saw him as the man he identified to be, probably assuming that he was the same as the rest. That he was a cis dude. Then, the four of them ran away together and had just established their thing alongside Yunho and Mingi, however, Wooyoung had _yet_ to come out to him. He kept postponing it until he couldn’t _not_  tell him. They were about to fuck for the first time, completely wasted, inside a toilet booth of some random club they were in, when it happened. Really not the greatest timing to come out to one of your… well, soon-to-be sexual partners, he supposed. But that was how it went.

It wasn’t the first time they were making out, hell no, but it was the first time Wooyoung felt the older’s touch get so clingy, so desperate, breath heavy on his skin, clinging to him in hurry. He loved it and never wanted it to stop.

He wanted all of Yeosang.

Until his hands went lower and there was something missing. And so the touches stopped.

He would have complained if he didn’t look at Yeosang, the face he did while trying to figure out what he had just discovered. “You’re… trans”, he said quietly not long after, realizing it way faster than the younger had expected.

“Y-- yeah. I hope that’s not an issue?”, he tried, not wanting to it to end. They’ve been going around their thing for less than a month now and he didn’t want it to end this fast, and because of him. Plus, he was _quite_ horny. He didn’t have a dick but if he had one it would be so incredibly hard it’d be _visibly_ bulging.

But, to his relief, the older shook his head with a smirk. “No, not at all, I only would have rather if I was notified earlier”, he said, kissing and sucking his neck, hand going back to his lower parts. “This only gives me more options on how to fuck you.”

“Oh fuck, Yeosang-ah, _please_.”)

The thought of it being an issue had been long gone. But now there was one Choi San added on the equation, one who was pretty much cisgender and gay. Not every cis gay man was as open to boys like him as Yunho was, and Mingi and Yeosang didn’t seem to care, considering that both didn’t have a preference. And he knew he shouldn’t assume, but it was a little hard not to. It was almost automatic for him, a safety strategy.

He knew he should trust him more. They’ve been through a lot lately, and since he was now included in _everything_ the other four were, Wooyoung knew he should know this before things got heated between the two of them. He didn’t know how to mention it though. It wasn’t a thing he knew how to bring up casually.

But in the end he didn’t need to because, one day, Wooyoung woke up with his sides hurting, the pain making him sob nonstop and beg for someone to help him. He slept cuddling with the green haired boy and, well, since San didn’t know he had his chest hidden with elastic bandages - nor that the younger had a chest to hide - he decided to just leave them there, sleep with the older’s arms around him, and leave explanations for another day.

Bad. Idea.

“What’s wrong?”, San had asked startled at the others, who probably thought that they all seemed way too calm about it. Well, safe for Yunho.

Yunho was _angry_.

“Did you sleep with your bandage on _again_?”, he questioned him in a scolding tone. The younger boy didn’t reply, instead asked for Yeosang to help him to get up from the double mattress on the floor and go to another room. “Wooyoung-ah, reply to me.”

“Not the time to scold him”, Mingi was the one who spoke to him.

The older didn’t like to hear that. “You want him to go to the hospital or something? Because that is a little impossible right now since, you know, we don’t have money for that and don’t exactly own a fixed place!”

“Bandage? What bandage, he wasn’t hurt yesterday?”, the green haired said frustratedly at the youngest, still confused about the issue, and getting angry for being the only one kept in the dark. “And why can’t he just take his shirt off here? No need to drag him somewhere else, we’re all a bunch of dud--”

Mingi held the slightly older’s arm as a warning, making him stop his phrase.

“ _What_? I have a fucking point.”

“Well, yeah, but”, Yunho sighed, trying to calm down. “It’s not _our_ place to tell you, San.”

Yeosang dragged their youngest to their toilet, but even after closing its door San’s voice - that was now more like shouts than his normal tone - was still heard, angrily questioning the other two. The younger of them was trying to calm him down but without giving him any clear answer. Obviously, that only made him angrier.

“Why the _fuck_ are you keeping secrets from me after demanding me to open up?! It can’t be something that sacred if he’s _literally_ , physically hurting and I can’t know _why_!”

The older’s shouts went clearly into the small room, making Wooyoung break down in front of Yeosang, who was helping him remove the bandages, his ugly sobs being the only sound inside the small room for a while.

“You have to eventually tell him, you know”, he said with a calm voice.

“I-- I _know_ , Yeosang, but I’m so”, he left a sob, “so fucking scared of his reaction. What if he-- if he gives up of us because I don’t-- have a goddamn dick? He’s finally opened up to us-- and I don’t wanna ruin it-- Yeosang, I _can’t--_ ”

“Wooyoung-ah, calm down. He’s not going anywhere”, the other assured.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Just look at the way he’s overreacting”, he said calmly. “He cares. I think that’s enough proof.”

 _Some people stop caring after they know though_ , he thought but decided not to say out loud, allowing the tears to roll down some more but this time in silence.

Someone knocked at the door. “It’s me, I have Wooyoung’s ointment”, Yunho’s voice came in soft. Yeosang sighed, telling him the door was open. He didn’t need to say anything else before entering the room, the other two’s voices still present but not as loud. “Did it-- is it--”

“No, he didn’t break a thing”, the second oldest spoke, taking the ointment. The older visibly relaxed at that. “It was too tight and it was stressing a muscle, and the skin got hurt a bit too, but nothing deep. You shouldn’t bind for a few days though.”

“ _What_? No, but I need--”

“Wooyoung-ah”, Yunho said, taking his hand. “We know. But you need to be careful.”

“And to stop binding too tight.”

“Or sleeping with it.”

“And to tell San that you’re trans”, Yeosang finished, face serious.

The oldest nodded at that. “That too. He got so confused and worried…”

He sighed slowly. “What if he’s disgusted by me?”

“Then I’ll beat his ass. Duh.”

“Count me in”, the pink haired one added. “But that won’t be needed. He cares for you and, well, if he has prejudices we’ll just educate him.”

“And by we he meant all of us, but you’re the one who must do the honours. This is about you, after all”, Yunho finished.

Wooyoung sighed. He didn’t want to tell him now, not _like this_ , but it was mostly his fault for not telling him before, yet… He was scared. Didn’t know what - no, _how_ \- to do it, because he knew the reaction could be extremely negative, and he…

He didn’t want to lose San.

He didn’t want him to get disgusted of him, didn’t want that to intervene with their relationship, didn’t want him to leave them because of him being who he was. San was important to him, just like Yunho was, just like Mingi and Yeosang too, he--

Felt that for him-- no, _them_.

Wooyoung didn’t want to say _it_. He didn’t want to admit it, because he was used to feeling numb, and if he admitted his feelings, he’d be lost in them. Feeling too much and losing himself.

Yet he still had to tell San and it still made him afraid because--

“I think I am in love”, he admitted out loud, loud enough to the others to hear.

He was in love with San. He loved San, and Yunho, and Yeosang, and Mingi. So much.

Shit. Shit _shit shit--_

“Can I come in?”, the green haired voice woke him from his overthinking. It’s been an hour or two since the incident, Wooyoung deciding to take a shower and change, but he had yet to leave and face the older. But there was him, by the door. “Look, you don’t have to tell me a thing, I’m just so fucking concerned and--”

He opened the door suddenly, staring at the other. God, he looked genuinely worried, hair messy and eyes open wide. The youngest sighed, wrapping his arms around him. He was a little heartbroken that San didn’t hug him back, but his hands did carefully land on his hip, so it wasn’t that serious. Probably.

“Is it-- is it better?”

The purple haired one didn’t know why he was asking that but he still nodded, moving back slightly so he could stare into his eyes, his right hand resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. “San-ah, I have to tell you something.”

“You don’t--”

“Yes, I do”, he sighed. “San, I… I’m not like the other guys.”

He kept staring confusedly at the younger. “What does that even mean?”

Well, it had to be now. “I’m a trans guy. My chest isn’t flat like yours. And down there-- I don’t have a dick.”

San blinked a few times at that, probably not expecting it at all. “Oh.”

“Yeah. So”, he breathed in slowly. “There’s that. I should have told you that before we got this intimate, I should have told you when you said you wanted to be part of our thing, that you trusted every single one of us, but I--”, great, he was crying again. Exactly what he needed, to not be able to say the words he needed to say.

“Hey, why are you crying?”, he said in a calm and soothing voice, patting him on his back carefully.

“Because you will hate me-- You will be disgusted with me and that will destroy this thing between all of us.”

San stared at him for a while, but then he laughed. He laughed at Wooyoung crying. “I have no idea what made you think that but you being trans changes nothing.”

He blinked at that, not believing his words. “What…? But you’re gay.”

“And you a boy. So.”

“But I--”

“Wooyoung-ah, shut up”, he whispered, laying a kiss on his lips. “I don’t care. Also, really stupid of you to think that would be enough for me to ruin this. Especially since the four of you have a strong bond and it didn’t break once I came in. We are not going to break apart and no one is going to leave. I am not going to leave. You are a boy, one that is very important to me, as important as the others. I don’t care about that. I care about you.”

His chest was burning, his heart racing, and he felt like crying more. And so he did, hiding his face on San’s shoulder, soaking his clothing, but he didn’t react negatively, petting his hair as he let it all out.

Fuck. He was in love with this man. And that terrified him.

 

 

 

 

He had always told himself it was better to be numb. He didn’t need to know what he liked or what he didn’t. It didn’t matter. He only lived for the present and, for that, knowing who you are was enough.

Except that suddenly he started _liking_. And once he learned a new emotion, once he learned something about himself, it was only a matter of time until they all hit him.

He likes his name.

He is happy with being himself. Being _Jung Wooyoung_.

He feels safe when his hand was held.

He enjoys kissing, hugging, cuddling. He’s a sucker for physical contact.

He hates Mingi’s smoking habit. And he is glad that he is giving his best into quitting.

He also doesn’t like to see Yeosang drunk, and he promised himself he would help him quit too.

He is thankful for San’s efforts of speaking more. He adores his bubbly self.

He loves to bicker with Yunho, but just jokingly, petting his hair as a way to assure he meant no harm. He also enjoys its softness a lot.

He feels pride in seeing his companions trying to change for the better.

He wants to be better too.

He loves his companions. So, so much.

The thought of losing them terrifies him.

The future terrifies him.

But he’s always assured that they would manage. That they won’t leave to anywhere without him. And that’s what he loved hearing the most.

Wooyoung was a mystery. And he had been solved.


	5. choi san, the disgraceful change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [done_with_love_by_zedd.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjsjIkSb0cM)
> 
> [handmade_heaven_by_marina.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiOGlYjKgX8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER CONTAIN: ...........honestly???? at this point there aren't _that_ many things for me to keep you warned about, i think. except that there's more poorly written smut between three characters 🤪🤪🤪 but again, you can skip when the first **bolded sentence** pops up and continue after the second one. this time it's not even plot-relevant i just wanted to like. make minsansang fuck since yunwoo had their moment too. woops???? the last few tags can work as a warning of what's about to come (besides them... hehe). not entirely pleased with that scene, but hey, it was just an extra so.... whatever lol  
> please enjoy! i hope it wont be disappointing especially since it took me so long to finish hah,, i'm so sorry for making you wait for over four months but i got creatively blocked and too mentally unstable for plot-heavy things and spent all my little energy on less plotty things. sorry? but here it is now!!! and it's big!!!! bigger than all other chapters!!! wooooo!!!  
> ps that idk if people care enough abt these details, but like the first part and all other chapters, their hair colours are from episode1, then there is a scene where it's going to be mentioned that they have hairs from episode2 but in the same scene they're going to change it to episode3's. so. yeah. keep it in mind because i often refer to them as their hair colour  
> ALSO!!!!!! I revised all other chapters and it now had like extra 2~3k BUT i doubt they are that plot relevant so. feel free to just read this and call it a day, but Personally i did plan this fic to be a "one thing" regardless of being separated in chapters (and taking a mini hiatus in between) so now that its finished id recommend. rereading it all at once. but its so big and, well, unneeded to do so that its not much of a requirement. anyway i'm rambling, see you at the end notes!

San was used with nodding and keeping his mouth shut.

He _grew up_ restraining his own personal thoughts, grew up ignoring his opinions and exchanging them by pre-established opinions of others, especially of those he cared for, those he loved so much and told him they’d care and love him just as much. Since very young, his parents had decided what kind of life he’d have, what he would do and what he wouldn’t, couldn’t do, and he silently accepted it for a _long_ time. He didn’t always _follow_ what they told him though, especially in the last few years he lived with them, but still he never voiced it out loud, never stood up for himself. He would never change.

His parents were never exactly present. When he was a kid he lived more with his grandparents instead, as they lived in the same neighbourhood, and they spoiled the life out of him. Showed him love nonstop. And he really liked it, despite not being close to his actual parents he didn’t feel entirely bad about it, receiving so much from the older couple instead. He was happy with that, wasn’t that against the life he had back then. Until, that is, he had to move out of town and go to the capital, to Seoul, where he’d go to a different school, leave everything he likes behind, his grandparents included, and have better outcomes for his future. San’s new school was strict, he stayed there the entire day, and whenever he was home his parents weren’t. At least back in Namhae he had some friends - not super close friends, but at least he had _someone_ -, had his grandparents who loved to give him attention, he was never alone back in his hometown. But now that he was in Seoul he felt super lonely.

Drawing and reading became his life. Books were his best friend, regardless if they were filled with figures or words. They made him want to discover more, create more. It touched him in a stimulating way, and it filled him with hopes. They also helped him discover a bit more of himself, he found out that he really loved to draw, to paint, and that he wanted to never stop doing it. He wanted to draw all the time.

His parents hated it, often using their harsh words of what they called wisdom to try to make San quit, but he never let it affect him. He’d still draw whenever he could, even if it meant to do so hiding. By missing classes going to a library, or a cafeteria, or even when he was at home or at school pretending to study. But even so, when he was caught and told to not do it, he’d stop. He still ignored his interest in art and majored in law instead. He still only used office pencils and his book for class notes to draw, instead of trying to save up for actual art materials. He’d never fight for his own likes, opinions, for his own self. He’d always, _always_ nod and do as told.

The only moment he ever stood for himself, for whom he was and what he wanted to be, it was when he came out and then packed out his things. But even after that he still was the same. He still restrained himself, still left his thoughts to himself only until it silently and painfully consumed him. While he accepted the ride with the other four by his own will, doing it by his own accord despite the risk, he couldn’t help but remain to stay quiet around them. It was so obvious that there was something going on with them, something that they never really mentioned to him. He knew they were friends that were doing that for quite some time now, but that was pretty much it. And despite _itching_ to ask he never did. All San knew were pieces of information they casually mentioned in their conversations, pieces he’d collect and save somewhere in his memory. He knew that Yunho had an ex who was too obsessed but didn’t know _how_ much, knew that Yeosang didn’t fancy his parents but never asked what their relationship used to be, he knew Mingi had issues with some boy at church but didn’t know what it was, and he knew that Wooyoung hated his past enough to not talk about it at all, living only the present. And, well, there was nothing actually stopping him from asking. Just himself and his own insecurities.

 _Open up to us_ , Mingi had told him. For some reason, it felt like a punch on his gut to hear it. He never had anyone to genuinely want to know his opinions, regardless of the reason or situation. But not only the blue haired, _all of them_ were willing to listen and to be trusted by San. And willing to share bits of themselves as well, if he wanted to know and hear. He had told himself countless times that he was just an extra, but they had never seen him as such and it hurt, but it also felt good.

He had never really considered changing, but they made the thought come to his mind. No restraining himself, no letting your insecurities stop you, no being satisfied with his own fuck ups, as well as the others’ fuck ups. Be better, be more yourself, and without stopping yourself from being happy. Since their talk, it was what he constantly repeated to himself.

Because he had decided that, for once in his life, he should change. Because they were worth the change, they were that important, and he wanted to be happy not only for them but with them too.

And the others needed to change too. They needed to improve as well, to be happier, and in a happy way, and he reasoned that if someone took the first step and showed the others the way to improve, show them that it was tough but not impossible, they’d follow him.

And, so, he changed.

“We should find someone where we can stay”, he suddenly blurted out to the others. Wooyoung had, a few moments ago, admitted that he wanted to change for the better, as much as the older four. It had made San happy to hear it, after the way the younger had reacted once the subject was first brought up, back when they were further from the sea. It was still fresh in his memory, how his face turned dark and how unpleased with the idea he was. How he ran from then and came back a while later, but this time quiet and not really looking at them. Letting the words sink inside his head, thinking properly about it, trying his best to swallow it. He was thankful that Wooyoung had decided to make an effort and join them into this next step. That he wanted to get better too. But, well, he knew that simply wanting to do something didn’t mean that they actually would. And so, he decided to speak up. “Somewhere fixed, where we can stay and live and grow. Where we can help each other to get better without the worry of planning where to go or any of the sorts. We don’t have to go anywhere anymore, because no matter where we go, the five of us will be together anyway.”

“And that’s what matters the most”, it was Mingi who added that. It made the green haired stop staring at his palms and meeting eyes with the younger, sitting between himself and Yunho. “There’s no need to run away. No one’s going to damage what we have, no matter where we are.”

“That’s going to be a hard task”, Wooyoung, sitting at his other side, said in a weak voice, clinging his hand onto San’s and holding it softly. “But we’re together in this. We can try making it work.”

“We _will_ make it work”, Yeosang said as he playfully slapped the youngest’s shoulder.

“Yeah, what he said”, Yunho said again. “We will make it work. _It will_ work. We have each other to support the whole group so it will all go well. We just need time to adjust, time to reach our goals, but it’s going to be fine. In a few years we will be laughing about this.”

“In a few years I hope you finally dye your hair”, their youngest joked. “Have you thought about going blond? I think it would suit you.”

“Actually, these days I was thinking about going blue, like, light blue? Not the one Mingi had.”

They all gasped in unison. “You’re going to join our hair dyeing squad code?!”

“Oh my God, Mingi-yah, shut up. Don’t call it like that, it’s cringe-worthy”, Yeosang rolled his eyes.

Yunho frowned. “I always joined you!”

“Going from black to brunet to a different shade of brown is the same as _nothing_ , I already told you that!”

Something in San’s heart felt warm. Felt tight. He didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t unwelcome. It was quite a pleasing feeling, staring at his companions joking around casually, then their voices falling down into a warm silence, appreciating the view of the beach as the sun threatened to leave. 

It made him happy. Very, _very_ happy. And he wished this moment would never end. San was aware that things wouldn’t be perfect and smooth from now on, but he had the other four men with him and they’d manage. It would work.

He turned to the sketchbook landing on his lap, the colours looking back at him. And he decided to take a deep breath before turning the page, starting a new drawing. One of himself, maybe, even if he couldn’t look at himself, he could still do it, right? He could represent himself and his feelings through the paper, share his happiness and convert it into shapes and colours.

“Let us enjoy the sea a bit before heading back!”, he heard their youngest’s loud voice suddenly shout, getting up and, well. He could draw later, San reasoned, closing the sketchbook and following him. 

“That’s a great plan! Come on, Yeosang-ah.”

“Does it _have_ to be now? I’m quite comfortable here--”

“Please, Yeosangie?”, Wooyoung pouted at the older who, after staring at him for a few seconds, sighed and gave in with a nod, being dragged into the water seconds after.

The green haired smiled at them and then looked back at the remaining two. “You two coming?”

“Nah, go ahead. I have to check some stuff in the van and I’d rather do that dry”, Mingi got up with a shrug.

“Suit yourself. Yunho?”

Their oldest looked a bit deep in thought, taking some time until he shook his head. “I’ll go later. Go make company to those two.”

San didn’t really like that response but he considered he had pushed too much for a day. So instead he nodded and ran towards the sea, jumping on the water and enjoying the moment. He had really missed this. Really missed being under salty water, and considering it was the first time he’d done it in a long time, with his companions, while having fun, it made everything feel okay. He felt like he was indeed getting better, he was finally healing, and he loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

“What do you think about this place?”, Yunho asked once they were all inside. They were tired, spending the entire day looking for a house that was comfortable enough for five adults but cheap enough for five _broke_ , _jobless_ adults.

They all gave a careful look around the residence. It was small, but also, they had managed to live in smaller places before. But, well, those places had been for just a couple of days while this one would be for at least a couple of months. Hopefully.

“It’s… something”, he took his time to say, but he still smiled promisingly at the slightly older one. “We can manage our way around this house. It’s going to be perfect.”

“We even have nice neighbours”, Mingi said smiling. “It’ll be the best place we have ever stayed, and it’s _ours_.”

“We had nicer beds before”, San refuted jokingly, which made the slightly younger show his tongue at him. Real mature.

“But nothing better than a place we can call home”, the taller one said. “Even if temporarily.”

“We should party! A move-in celebration!”, their youngest said happily, jumping around the house. “We still have some pot left. If no one says a thing I’m gonna end it on my own accord.”

“No one is stopping you”, Yeosang smiled at him.

“I am”, Yunho crossed his arms. The other shrugged and apologized for giving Wooyoung some hope, who pouted at them. “We said we’re going to celebrate _clean_ this time, remember?”

“But it’s too good to let it go to waste! And it’s a _party_!”

“No buts”, their second giant said, backing the older up. “Maybe later you can end that pot, but not this time.”

“Meanies.”

The other two laughed at the conversation happening, and San felt his heart skip a beat when Yeosang rested his head on his shoulder. “We’re really going to live here from now on, huh. It feels surreal.”

“It won’t once we get partying.”

The older laughed louder at that and then nodded at him. “I’m glad our alcohol ended days ago, otherwise I’m certain I would be just like Wooyoung and gulp it all in one go. But I’m going to be a sober man now.”

“That makes me happy”, he said, petting his hair. He got a hum in response.

“Hey, you two lazy dummies. Help us move in our stuff.”

“We barely own anything”, San shrugged. “You three will be more than enough. Right, Yeosang-ah?”

He hummed again. “Yeah, Yunho, probably only you can do it all with how hotly buff you are.”

“I can’t believe this”, the tall man said at the same time their shortest exclaimed, “I like where this is going!”, as he proceeded to run towards the duo and rest his head on San’s other shoulder.

“I will burn your stuff”, Mingi said in a low tone that would sound threatening if they didn’t know him better.

Wooyoung laughed. “You won’t because we are too cute and you’re too whipped.”

The other two laughed at the youngest remark and, by hearing Mingi’s low cuss, they knew he was right. “Whatever. We can always bring it in a couple of hours. It’s not like anyone will want to steal a bunch of clothes and a drawing book.”

Yunho looked shocked at the younger one moved towards the trio, proceeding to find some space between their laps. “Seriously?”

“If you can’t fight them, join them.”

“Yeah, leader-nim!”, San shouted very loudly, to which Wooyoung repeated even louder. “Relax a bit, will you?”

“Yeah! Cuddling pile! Cuddling pile!”

The duo shared a high five, the room filled with their laughers as well as Mingi’s and Yeosang’s. Yunho was at loss, he couldn’t say anything to refute them even if he wanted. So, instead, he just joined them, in between San and Wooyoung, telling them it was payback when hearing complains of crushed lungs.

“Are we really not gonna use that pot? Seems like a great bonding moment to get high and there is plenty of it.”

They all shared a glare until it stopped on their oldest. “You’re all going to go against what I say again, won’t y’all?”

“No”, they all said. Well, safe for Wooyoung, who had replied _maybe_ instead, flustering afterwards once he realized that, this time, he was on his own.

“Fine, fine, you won! No getting high… today”, he pouted but was soon smiling again. “We can just appreciate the moment while sober.”

San caught himself grinning at that, closing his eyes and enjoying the warmth from everyone else around him. It felt really comforting to be close to the people he loved the most in his all life. He felt safe and calm.

Wait a minute.

The people he… _loved_?

Opening his eyes, he stopped and looked around to them, slowly letting it sink in. He was glad that they weren’t paying attention to him because he wouldn’t be sure of how to explain his sudden reaction. 

Goddamnit. Choi San was in love for the first time in his life. And it was towards the four of them, and that thought made all the heat in his body fly away in fear.

Well. That would need some overthinking and restless night to fully digest.

 

 

 

 

 

“You draw well”, he heard someone say by his side, startling him. It was the landlord’s wife, San noticed, once he looked up towards her. He was currently sitting outside the house the five of them were currently living in, making some drawings to pass the time and, well, think. He liked thinking while drawing, letting his mind travel freely and without restraints. He forgot that the older couple lived so close to them and, so, hadn’t considered that one of them could walk on him drawing, and now that the kind lady was looking at him and his art, he suddenly grew really shy to share it.

“T- thank you”, he said in a whisper, hating that he had stuttered.

“Have you gone to an art school of some sorts?”, she suddenly asked again, getting closer to the younger and sitting beside him.

He gulped, not used with strangers talking to him this softly or, well. Talking to him, _ever_. But maybe she didn’t see him and his companions as strangers, now that they’ve been neighbours for nearly three months. “No, not really. I did read some theory books when I was younger but besides middle school teachers I never properly studied art.”

“Really?”, the tone in her voice made San feel a little bit shyer. “Not even during high school?”

“No… I didn’t go to an art school. I was in a vocational high school instead.”

She hummed softly at herself. “It doesn’t show it though. Your technique is really good.”

He had to muffle a laugh, because he didn’t really think there was any real technique involved. It was just him and his like for drawings doing something on the paper that, hopefully, would look satisfying enough on his eyes. “Well, thank you, ma’am.”

“No need to thank me, dear”, she smiled at him, and he hoped that would be the end of their conversation, that she would back off and let him drawing in peace. But she didn’t show any signs of getting up, instead, she moved close to him, signs of curiosity on her sympathetic smile. “Do you mind if I take a closer look at it?”

San wanted to shout. Or flee. Or shout _and_ flee. But then he looked at the woman who was showering him with such kindness, silently waiting for his permission and something took over him and so, instead, he nodded and handed it to her. “They’re kinda messy though, and some aren’t really _drawings_ , just… some random stuff.”

The lady nodded at his words without voicing her thoughts, closing the book and turning to its cover. It was slightly recent, after his old one got completely filled with his older ideas, but even so, this one was nearly at its end as well. He’d caught himself producing more artwork than ever after their talk, after they finally became complete, and he enjoyed that. But also, there still was a long way to go, he believed, because he was still not _completely_ satisfied with his style. San liked making observation drawings but he wanted to do more, wanted to differ from just that, yet he hadn’t found exactly where he wanted his art to go. He still had lots to experiment, lots to discover.

The first sketch that had been revealed to his neighbour’s eyes was one of the beach. They had just arrived, sat down by the sand and let the breeze play with their hair as the sun started to go down, chatting and joking around. And while they were all enjoying the weather, talking among themselves, San was drawing. The first one was an unfinished realistic drawing of his view, but it wasn’t the only drawing he had done that day. He also did one with markers, playing with colours instead of shapes, trying to make a less figurative representation of the beach. There was also a rough sketch of someone in another page, but he barely started it because at that moment Wooyoung decided to enjoy the water and, well, he was also dying to play with the ocean’s waves and thus he joined the younger, the drawing left behind. He could have finished it afterwards, or erase and do something else, but he caught himself not wanting to do either. It was just a dumb quick sketch but it was still something he’d rather keep, even if he had forgotten what his initial idea for that was.

The next three or four weren’t _exactly_ sketches. Some had small doodles flying around the paper, a small cat by the corner of one page, some experimental lungs and heads in another, some had written messages. San wasn’t much of a writer, but sometimes his creativity bloomed in the form of words instead. He thought it was reasonable, literature was art too and he did love to read as much as he loved to create. Still, having someone read it was… a bit too much. They were mostly sad, painful, and extremely personal. He was already feeling bad for having someone to look at his art, but his writing? He wanted to hide.

“These are really pretty”, she said in a quiet tone, caressing the paper over some of the words with caution. _Even when I’m physically here why can no one see me_ , it said, with the borders of a big, invisible question mark drawn over the text. He didn’t say a thing to her, remembering the day he had written it. The five of them had stopped in a random place and started talking loudly about something everyone could understand but himself, and he felt off _again_. He knew they didn’t mean any evil, they didn’t mean to exclude him, and he knew that, considering that they knew each other for much longer, it was unavoidable growing nostalgic of something that had happened before they met San. But when that happened he was still getting used with dealing with his self doubt, with this little voice that always wanted him to believe he was nothing, and he still had a lot to improve on the matter. Even after their talk, even after belonging to them, he still had moments where he couldn’t stop but think he was nothing. And in a way to try to let it out quietly, he had written it.

But the moment he finished drawing the question mark, someone poked his side. “Yah, you’re spacing around, everything okay?”, it was Yunho who questioned him, tilting his head on San’s direction. He nodded at the other and smiled when the older asked if he was sure, writing some more before closing the book. _Sometimes I’m falling but every time you’re there to catch me, so maybe it’s not that bad to fall_ , the new text said, under the previous one.

San left a small smile at the memory.

“You should pursue art career”, the woman said as she kept turning into the pages.

He blinked at that. The green haired man had never ever considered that far, he just wanted to draw and make art forever. But do it as a career? “Is that even possible?”, he found himself questioning in a soft tone.

She laughed. “Of course it is. You know, I used to be an art teacher for high school kids, and a few of them became artists. I still have contact with some of them, as well as some local galleries. I could pass their contact to you.”

San stared at her as if she had suddenly grown another head. “What-- _why_?”

“Why not?”, she simply asked. “You’re talented, dear. And I can see how much love for art you have. But of course, if you don’t want to it’s fine.”

He started pondering about it. He had never _ever_ considered pursuing an art career, but now the possibility was being delivered so easily to him. It made him wonder if he was actually awake, hearing all of it, or if it was a fantasy from his subconscious. If it was the latter he’d be disappointed but pleased with such a realistic and promising universe it had created. Yet he knew it was not the case, and that gladly it was the real world and it was really happening. Someone had taken interest in his art, something he never got from anyone around him before he met his companions, and despite him being happy that they supported his art it was, until then, just a hobby. One he was really passionate about and would love to do as much as he could.

And he could do that while receiving money? He could do that as his job? That was amazing.

But it also made him not as pleased. Art takes time and time is money, and they were lacking money. He wasn’t going to become a millionaire by sketching on some paper. And even if he had gotten praise from the lady it doesn’t mean he knows it all, he had lots to learn. And, again, learning takes time and time wasn’t something he had the luxury to misuse.

Yet this was a rare opportunity, one that could never appear at him, at least not like that.

But he had to think about the others too, not just about himself, _individually_.

Yet that would be his own path to become someone better, someone he months before could only dream of. Someone good enough and strong enough to make the others proud.

He hated this situation. It was good, but it was bad. He wanted but also thought that it would be better if he didn’t. San breathed slowly and smiled at her, trying to mask his inner debate. “Okay then. I’ll think about it carefully”, he said with a weak voice, nodding at the lady who was still smiling kindly at him.

 

 

 

 

 

“Guess who’s employed? This bitch is employed!”

“Wooyoung, I can announce it on my own”, Yeosang said sighing as they both entered their shared house. “I’m an employed bitch.”

They all got really happy for him, moving towards their second oldest to give him a tight hug and many kisses. It was good not only for him, who would have something to do to occupy his mind as well as have a more right path, one that would help him improve personally as an individual, but for them all who would have a plus one to help financially. Yunho had gotten a barista job, that despite having the misfortune to be a night shift paid really well, and Mingi had a couple of part time jobs as an errand boy. Wooyoung had looked for a place that wouldn’t use the wrong name, but sadly he hadn’t been as successful as the other three. It sucked at first, but it made him consider being his own boss and promote himself as a hairdresser on the neighbourhood. And he had managed to go through the plan, he had already done the landlord’s wife’s hair once and she had been so pleased that since then someone knocked on their door looking for him.

And, well, then there was San. Unemployed and confused about his own future.

Mingi, who had been hugging Yeosang tightly - not that he wanted nor liked it, but he wouldn’t be rude to the younger at such moment - turned to the other with a grin. “Who hired you?”

“A middle-aged dude from a 7-Eleven down the road”, the man said in a quiet voice, but then left a small laugh. “I was going to try a bigger shop but their manager gave me a knowing look and told me to follow them. I almost did when I realized they were going to take me to the camera room.”

“Bet she was going to show us a video of our last visit, if you know what I mean”, Wooyoung snorted. “Wasn’t expecting her to recognize Yeosangie without his pink hair though.”

“At least we now have a third person bringing money home”, he shrugged, hand going to his head to play with his brunet locks, until he realized something. “We bought hair stuff to celebrate, but my boss said no odd hair colours are allowed. So I guess the brunet stays.”

“Let’s just make it a tone or two lighter then.”

Mingi frowned. “I just dyed half my hair green.”

“And it already faded quite a lot”, Yunho pointed out. 

“Thank God, I was embarrassed by myself for making that monstrosity on your head”, their youngest deadpanned. Yeosang tried not to laugh while Mingi frowned, faking being offended, but it was hard to contain himself when the other two was laughing freely. 

“Please tell me you bought more hair dyes and lots of bleach”, it was San who spoke this time. “I kinda miss having light hair and the red already became a weird brown.”

Wooyoung grinned at them all, raising his arm where a plastic bag was hanging. “Fret not, my lovely companions.”

“But most of us have jobs and bosses to please”, Mingi reminded him. “We can’t get crazy hair colours.”

The other pouted. “Well. Here goes my fun.”

“Wait, there still is me though”, the artistic man said smiling. “You can bleach my hair all you want. On everyone’s behalf.”

“And my boss doesn’t mind crazy hair”, Yunho smiled. “I’m still dying to have my hair in a light blue hue. Besides, you wanted me to ditch my brunet and black hair all your life.”

“Yes, I have!”, Wooyoung shouted excitedly.

Mingi scoffed. “Pray for your scalp, you two.”

He had honestly forgotten how much it hurt. The last time he touched his hair it was to make it mostly black with hints of red, but it wasn’t too much that it hurt. But this time, making his hair the lightest tone it could stand, made him remember how much it was suffering to have a hair colour as nice as he had imagined. It would always make him question himself, why would he do that to himself? Why would he willingly go through something that tough, and for what? To look good?

And then he looked at the mirror and it was obvious. Yes, it was solely to look good. _Very_ , at that.

“You look so good blond, wow”, Yunho assured him as he kissed his neck nape. The younger grinned at that, turning around to kiss him.

“The blue fits you.”

He nodded. “It accentuates my cuteness.”

“ _Cuteness_? You look hot as fuck, Yunho-yah. Ten-outta-ten would bang.”

“As if you haven’t already!”, Yeosang shouted. “I want to sleep, shut up!”

“Whatever! Just don’t let any random person hit on you at work unless they want to book an appointment!”

The two of them laughed at Wooyoung’s words. “He only says that because he was the one who dyed it.”

“I think not. You _do_ look hot as fuck.”

He raised a brow. “Ten-outta-ten would bang?”

“Oh, definitely”, the younger smiled, showing off his dimples. “But later.”

“No rushing”, he smiled sweetly at him, leaving their shared toilet after kissing San’s forehead.

He caught himself staring at his reflection again. It was so different from when he had the green, but not because the colour wasn’t the same. _He_ was a changed person. Not in the outside, although he did look more mature than when he first changed his hair colour. But on the inside, he was pretty much someone new. Green haired Choi San was insecure, was concealing every single thought he had, tried so hard to be a thing that wouldn’t bother others. White haired Choi San was free from this prison the other had built, didn’t think too much before showing his own colours to others, regardless of what they would think. Of course he still thought about his companions so much, thinking about their wellbeing among his own and would rather if he didn’t disappoint them. It was like that since he met and bonded with them, he wanted to be with them in a way that would make them all happy, but this time, he was included too. He shouldn’t ignore his own happiness for them because he knew it would somehow affect them all to.

He should be happy too. He should be a bit greedy, too, and that would still be beneficial to _them all_.

And with that in mind, San moved his hand towards his pocket finding a piece of paper he had ripped from his drawing book, one that had two art galleries listed down, their addressed and numbers as well as a name in it. He stared at his mirror reflection, and then back at the piece of paper. This could be a good way to restart. It was a really good opportunity and it wasn’t completely selfish. He wasn’t going to harm anyone if he worked with what he liked the most. Even if it didn’t pay much, it’d still be a great help, and one that would also make him happier.

And so, with that in mind, he decided to visit the place first thing in the next morning.

 

 

 

 

 

“Sannie, are you busy?”

“No, why?”

The older turned to where the voice had come from, eyeing Wooyoung’s figure coming out of the toilet door. “Can you lend me a hand? I need help with something. And bring something to write on as well.”

“Sure”, he simply said as he moved towards the younger, his drawing book and a pencil in hands, closing the door behind him. “What do you need help with?”

The now dark haired man seemed nervous - or shy? - for a few seconds, looking at everywhere but San as if he was in a trance. But then he shook his head, getting something that the older hadn’t seen before: a measuring tape. “I need you to help me get my measurement.”

He grabbed the object, staring at it as it rested on his palm. “Sure. But where--”

San trailed off once he looked up at Wooyoung’s direction who was now taking off his shirt. And then there was when he saw his chest for the first time. But, rather than it being bare, his eyes were met with bandages around it, compressing the area. It looked tight and _really_ uncomfortable. He couldn’t understand why the younger submitted himself into that, but he had told him before that he was infinitely more comfortable with himself and his body when he was wearing it. It still didn’t make sense, but he assumed it was something he’d never know. “Do you want help to take it off?”

“It’s okay, I got this”, he replied, slowly undoing the bandage and letting it fall on his feet. San should probably not stare, deciding to look away instead. He had never really seen anyone naked before, not _right in front of him_. He was still a virgin and never really dated someone seriously, so it felt a little too intimate. But then he considered that their entire thing was extremely intimate to begin with and so he let the thought slide.

“They’re, uhm. Not that big”, he caught himself saying after looking back at the other, which earned him a smack. “What? By the way you talk about it I had imagined otherwise-- Wait, was that offensive?”

Wooyoung rolled his eyes but he didn’t look annoyed, at least not at San. “No, just dumb. I know it’s not the most gigantic thing but it’s still a bother”, he said in a low voice. 

“Sorry. Well, how do I do this? Where do I measure?”

The younger guided him with the measurements, where he would need to put the tape and then write it down. The white haired one didn’t open his mouth, doing as told without asking a thing. It felt a little weird to do it, if he had to be completely honest about it, getting his hands close to his body with the measuring tape, looking at it from really close and taking notes but he noticed he didn’t feel grossed out or repulsed by Wooyoung. It didn’t matter that he was like this, that he was trans and had a developed pair of boobs on his chest unlike himself and the others, nor that he didn’t have a penis like himself and the others had. None of it mattered to him. He was just as important to San as the others were.

“Why do you need it, by the way? You never said it.”

“Ah, you see”, Wooyoung started, voice hinting at shyness. “I was considering that maybe I or, well, _we_ could save money so I can get a binder, if that’s okay. A proper one, not just these bandages nor any tape like the ones I used to wear before. I don’t know how or when I’d get to own one but I really want it.”

“Binder”, San echoed the word, sounding foreign. Well, it _was_ English after all, but he was sure he had seen the word being used in a context that didn’t have anything to do with boobs. 

“Yeah, it’s to replace the bandages. It’s safer too, since it’s made to flatten the chest. But that also makes it harder to obtain, especially in Korea, I guess”, he smiled sadly at the older. “But it’s okay. It’s not something for now anyway, it’s for the future. When we can afford it. Or, well, if.”

“Hey”, he put a hand on the shorter’s shoulder. “If getting this binder will make you happier _and_ hurt you less, we’re getting it for you. Hell, we’re getting _ten_ of these.”

Wooyoung smiled at that, but there was something more on his eyes. Something San wasn’t sure, but didn’t felt right. “That’s too much, there’s no need to waste that much money on me, especially in the conditions that we are on.”

“It’s not a waste”, he quickly refuted. “It’s for your happiness and well being. We can save up a little every month until we can afford it. It’s not like we’re going to die if we don’t spend some thousands of won every once in a while.”

“Don’t say it like that…”

“…Sorry”, San said in a whisper, cupping his cheek and giving him a quick kiss. “No dying. I still mean it though, and I’m sure the others would agree. It’s not a waste, okay? You’re not a waste.”

He nodded, moving forward for another kiss. “Okay.”

“And if we can’t afford it we can probably learn how to make one or something!”, he continued with a determined face. “Learn how to sew and all of that. It can’t be that hard or anything.”

Wooyoung stared at him for a while with a blank face but he quickly left a warm laugh, cupping the older’s face and kissing his lips. "Thank you."

"For what?"

“For being supportive. For not finding me disgusting. For not hating me.”

San looked at the other’s eyes for a bit, a little taken aback, but after he noticed the sad look in Wooyoung’s eyes he leaned in to kiss him again. “I’d never hate you”, he assured, smiling.

 _Because I love you_ , his heart said, but he refused to say it out loud, kissing him again and again. As if it’d do the trick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It had started with small kisses.

San hated when Mingi smoked, and even if he had promised Yunho he’d never do it again the whitehaired know better. He knew the younger often relapsed, he knew he sometimes went out behind their back to smoke a pack that was secretly bought and it would be as if he had never ever stopped. So he made a promise with him that for every day he didn’t smoke, he’d give him a rewarding kiss. 

The brunet man had laughed about it, saying it was unnecessary since they all kissed a lot anyway, but he had never refuted or rejected it. In fact, he had probably assumed the other would eventually forget, assuming it was just some empty promise he had done just to try motivating him to finally quit. But no: every day, mostly before sleep, he’d come to the taller and leave a quick peck on his lips without an invite, a grin on his face reminding him why he was suddenly leaving that kiss. It caught him off guard, but Mingi didn’t complain. He never did. He actually quite liked it, every time that it happened. And he caught himself waiting for the kisses, trying harder to resist the urge to smoke.

San was proud of him.

They were meant to be just kisses, quiet touches to recompense the young one’s efforts. But somehow they became _more_ than that. 

Sometimes Mingi got stressed and his body deeply _begged_ for the toxin. In days like that, he’d usually try to suck on a candy and get busy with something. There was one day, though, that they had run out of candy and just distracting himself didn’t seem to work. Thankfully the slightly older one had noticed and tried to help, sitting beside him and talking to him as he drew. He even let the younger draw at some point, with San patting his back and trying to make him relax. It wasn’t night yet, but once he calmed down San had reasoned to give his reward right away rather than wait for later. And so he turned to him, giving a small smile on his direction and moving closer to his face, leaving a little peck on his mouth, whispering to Mingi how proud he was of him afterwards, face still only slightly far from his. He looked at his lips once more, somehow catching his attention, and the atmosphere around the two was comfortable. San pondered about claiming his lips once more, and he noticed that the taller was waiting for him to do it, and so he ended up kissing him again. And again, mouth now open, hand on his chin while the younger’s was clinging on his shirt. He wasn’t really planning on kissing him that much, but he really was proud of how Mingi seemed to be giving his best to quit, to change, and it made him really happy. And he really liked kissing him. So he couldn’t _not_ kiss him once more, more intense this time. And it was obvious that the younger liked it. He was okay with it, more than okay even. This was okay. 

He didn’t notice but since then their kisses had changed, they weren’t just a rewarding peck. There was some expectation whenever the younger went towards him, an expectation that didn’t only come from him but also from San himself. Sometimes he would just give him his small pecks and it ended like that. But sometimes Mingi would joke, _is that all?_ , and the older would give him a second kiss. Sometimes it was him who decided to kiss him with lust, rough, devouring the younger’s lips right away without asking. Mingi never said a thing during these ones, just smirked to himself and enjoyed the moment. He probably liked those better, but he never voiced it, so he could never know.

The others didn’t say much about their daily kisses, they knew how it had started and also how it had developed. They both had told them, it was an agreement to always talk about everything. Much the opposite, rather than being displeased over how touchy they two of them were, they liked that San took many initiatives, and also, they took it as their cue to be touchier to the white haired too.

(Sometimes he’d be drawing and a hand would come to his waist, someone resting their side on his back and face coming next to his face. The faded purple hair would come to his line of vision as Wooyoung watched him from close, eventually leaving ghost kisses on his neck. And he’d notice that he enjoyed them. Other times, San would join Yeosang to his walks, or sometimes they’d go together to buy what they needed, and the older would shyly grab his hand and assure him that was fine. And he’d caught himself caring less about others, what they thought of them, and more about _them_. And, some other times, Yunho would turn on their radio for no reason at all and request the light haired to join him, take him by the hand and dance closely to his body. San would always laugh freely at the taller and they would always be loud, singing the song, shouting for no reason at all. They were loud, safe for when the brunet curved down to meet his lips. And he’d love every second of it.)

They were all okay with him constantly kissing Mingi, because they could all have their own moments with San and already had kissed the younger just as much. Rather than being jealous, they were _pleased_ by the change, by how touchier San was getting with the others and by how touchier they were _all_ getting with him too. Their dynamic was just growing stronger and they had nothing to complain. San and Mingi making out was _great_.

 _Really_. 

 **“Can I watch you two kiss?”,** Yeosang once asked the other two out of the blue. It was early in the morning, Yunho was out checking their van with Wooyoung making his company, having n appointment soon. And he had promised their youngest he’d drive him off, since the place was further from their house, so for the meantime, it would be just the three of them. Their second oldest, who was finishing his breakfast, and the other two who were currently cuddling onto the double mattress, talking quietly and too lazy to get up a second time. They had already eaten and they just wanted to chill. It was Sunday, after all, and safe for Wooyoung’s hair appointment, only Yeosang had work that day. San’s plans _initially_ were just lazing around and draw.

But he was liking more what the older was hinting at.

Mingi stared at the other brunet for a while before turning to him, a shy smile on his lips. “Are you fine with it?”

The question was very random but he didn’t need to put much thought on it before nodding. It had crossed his mind before, _many_ times actually, him making out with one of them as someone else - or all the others - watched them. He also had thought about doing watching. And in both scenarios, he caught himself aroused. So hearing Yeosang interested in watching made him… _even more_ aroused. 

He didn’t need to move much as he was already sitting beside the younger, Mingi putting the older’s drawing book away from his lap before locking their lips together, kissing him slowly. San’s hand automatically cupped his cheek, already used with having his lips bruising on the taller’s. He was hyper aware of their second oldest's presence, and once he half-opened his eyes to look at him, he noticed that Yeosang had moved to the mattress and had one hand caressing Mingi’s thigh, watching them closely. 

San felt hot at the picture, clinging onto the taller and sucking on his mouth, who let him do as he pleased. Soon he felt a hand on his sides, unsure whose it belonged to, nails lightly travelling under his shirt. He hissed at the sensation and Mingi grinned, breaking their kiss to move towards his jaw, his neck, and suck on the skin. Involuntarily he mewled at that, now grabbing onto his hair and keeping him closer.

And it wasn’t just him who was enjoying it so much. The youngest of the three seemed really excited to have San this close, and to be watched by Yeosang too. He kept pulling his body towards himself, as if their contact wasn’t enough. As if he needed more. Soon, the blond one found himself nearly glued onto the younger, his crotch in contact with what he assumed was his and _oh_.

He broke their contact, staring at the man in front of him when he realized his growing bulge, most likely blushing a bit but, save for that, he kept his expression clean. Mingi didn’t say a thing, and nor did San, and somehow that was fine. The brunet didn’t seem unpleased, much the opposite. His fat lips were reddish but open, waiting for more. His eyes too kept travelling towards San’s own lips, but without moving towards it, patiently staring at him.

The white haired turned his attention to the third person in the room, who had been quietly watching them until then. His hands were still resting on his back, face flustered but with a serious look too. It seemed that the two of them were waiting for him to say anything, being it a _‘hey, let’s go until the end with this!’_ or a _‘well, that’s enough for today, let’s stop here!’_.

Wow, it was really happening. 

They had had _that_ kind of talk before. Yunho liked being watched, liked being controlled and to have someone dominate him, but he wasn’t that into roughness, he rather it to be tender. But he wasn’t totally opposed to that either. Wooyoung loved being in control, making the others lose themselves under his touch and telling them what to do. He enjoyed hearing them _beg_ for him. Mingi was softer, he loved being slow and sweet the most, taking his time and appreciating whoever was with him. Yeosang liked to be a tease, to be slow, to watch the other grow impatient until they lost themselves into pleasure. It didn’t matter if it was his doing or if he was just looking, he’d still enjoy it. 

And San… San didn’t know what he liked _for sure_. Of course he put some thought into the matter, imagined it happening to him and wondered if he’d actually enjoy it or not. But he had never tried it, he was still what others could consider _pure_. He had never had sex with a girl, much less with a boy. Before running away he had only kissed a couple of times, and it was with friends he had no real attraction to, friends who weren’t even _that_ much close to him. Back then, he was just experimenting with his sexuality. But the first time he had actually made out with someone, someone he really was dying to kiss and was a hundred percent attracted to, it was with the four of them. And, well… he had already imagined that the first time he’d ever had sex it would be with one of them. 

And they knew that as well. He had told them, as he had promised to trust them with everything. He was glad none of them judged him, or made fun of him, for being inexperienced in the matter. Instead, they told him that it was fine and that, when the time came, they’d help him and not push any boundary. That they would be there for him and make it an experience as good as they could.

“What about the others?”, he caught himself asking. As much as the idea of them joining them wasn’t entirely unpleasant - it was his first time with one of them and, somehow, it made sense if they were all there with him, even if just by watching -, he considered that maybe they weren’t in the mood, or maybe they weren’t that okay with watching whatever they decide on doing. And, so, warning them would be more than welcome.

At that, Yeosang smirked. “Don’t worry, I did tell them what I have in mind and where it could lead to, if you want it, of course. They know what’s going on”, he tilted his head. “A shame they both turned me down when I said they’re more than welcome to come in, but they don’t seem to be in the mood. Not even Wooyoungie.”

“What do you have in mind?”, San asked with brows furrowed, slightly delighted. “What _exactly_?” 

The oldest got close to the white haired, his index supporting his chin as he raised it, a grin on his face. “Do you want me to show you? You and Mingi?”

He took a quiet breath and then nodded. “Please.”

Yeosang gave him a smirk. “Then you’ll see soon”, he whispered before closing the distance between the two, claiming his lips. He kissed the younger fervourishly, as if he’d never get the chance to do it again. Making out with their second oldest was always an uncertainty event, and it made the other imagine what would it be to go beyond that, realizing he was intrigued about it. It was really amusing and it made his expectations rise.

As if having Yeosang nearly devour him wasn’t enough, he could feel another pair of lips kissing the side of his neck, slowly going up towards his jawline. He was so busy thinking about him that he had forgotten for a short second that Mingi was still there in front of him, and he knew the younger wasn’t one of standing quietly. He liked having attention and liked giving attention, so, once his attention was on the older brunet man instead he _had_ to do something. San moaned shamelessly under the kiss, to which made the other smirk too. 

“Do you like being the centre of attention, Sannie?”, the older asked in between kisses, voice barely a whisper, but enough to make him flustered. _Yes, he did._ It was so maddening to have two lips, two pair of hands, two of everything giving him attention and making him feel good. It was too much.

He deep down thanked that this one time Yunho and Wooyoung weren’t around, despite also wishing they could be present. He would probably die at the feeling of being with all four of them otherwise. 

There would always have the next time though.

He wasn’t sure whose hands was the one at the bottom of his shirt, but a few moments later it made sure to dispose of the cloth, throwing it somewhere he hadn’t bothered to look. The mouth that used to be on his jaw was now on his collarbone, a hand travelling around his torso and abs. “You’re so gorgeous”, a low voice that he knew belonged to Mingi suddenly spoke, sucking on his skin right after.

“ _God_ ”, he found himself saying in a quiet voice. 

“That’s not my name”, Yeosang said after laughing. “But I’ll let you use it.”

San snorted. “Shut up-- _ah_! Mingi-yah--”

He felt the younger’s tongue on one of his nipples and couldn’t help but left a mewl. The blond was a little embarrassed for the sound, but wow, that was a _really_ good feeling. So he just closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the new sensations, not holding himself back to be vocal about it. His pants were soon too tight and he considered that maybe he shouldn’t be this hard already, but he didn’t put much thought about it. It was his first time doing it, and with two extremely attractive men at once. He was allowed.

“I think we’re too overdressed for this”, Yeosang said after a while and, soon, the lips were no longer on San’s body. He opened his eyes, catching the older undressing Mingi, and he decided to help too. It was a bit of a mess, lungs hurriedly trying to discard every cloth they were wearing, and it took them a while to manage, but eventually the three of them were naked. The white haired felt a little self conscious about the fact that it was the first time he was watching them like this while they both were probably familiar with each other’s body. And, even if it was the first time they were seeing himself bare, they had more experience than himself. 

But it soon wore off when Mingi got closer to him again, kissing him hungrily. He was fast to react, hands fisting the younger’s hair and making it messier than it already was. San devoured his mouth slowly, taking dominance from him, and he could feel that the other loved _not_ being the one in control. Despite his closed eyes, he could feel that Yeosang wasn’t too far from them, probably watching with attention.

“Mingi-yah”, the older whispered on the other’s ear, but now low enough for San not to hear him. “Don’t you want to be a good boy to our Sannie? Don’t you wanna make him feel good?”

“Yes”, he immediately responded, almost whispered. “I want to very much.”

“Then go ahead”, San spoke with a boldness he didn’t know he had. Maybe he was too eager for it all. Maybe he always had it in him. He didn’t know for now. But what he did know was that Mingi was loving this side of him, not taking his time before turning them over, San now with his back on the mattress and the other over him. He leaned down, claiming his lips again and kissing him until his breath ran out. The older caught himself clinging onto him, one arm on his neck pulling him down and another on his back, nails sinking on his tan skin. Mingi hissed but was soon trailing down again, kissing his collarbone.

“Yeosang-ah”, the blond caught himself moaning, looking at the side and noticing that he was still sitting at his previous spot. “Come here.”

“Don’t worry for me, Sannie”, he replied. “Keep going, you two.”

He wanted to refute, wanted to ask for Yeosang to come closer, but then he felt wetness around his stomach and he felt his dick twitch. Mingi was kissing sweetly on the area, sometimes sucking, as he moved lower and lower.

“Can I blow him?”, he asked, and it caught San off guard that he was not the one asked, instead, he was asking at the oldest of the trio. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, but it made him feel something he couldn’t exactly describe. Anticipation? Curiosity? As he turned to him, waiting for his response.

Yeosang smiled at them. “Of course, Mingi. If it’s what _he_ wants.”

“Yes”, he replied without even pondering about it. “Yes, please. Suck me off, Mingi-yah.”

The younger laughed at that. “Impatient much?”

He left a groan. “ _Yes_ , I am, now put your month on my-- oh _fuck_.”

Having someone’s tongue licking on his tip, moving down and up again was nothing like what he had thought of. It was much better than his imagination, beyond the feeling of having his fist around his length. The feeling of Mingi’s tongue travelling around his dick, a hand on his base, and then having his mouth swallowing him whole was _overwhelming_.

San closed his eyes, letting himself dive into the pleasure. Letting himself to simply feel and not think. And that wasn’t even a hard task, with the way his mind went blank at the other two giving him attention, one blowing him and the other quietly watching, his own hand stroking his length. He couldn’t help but leave lewd sounds, moaning their names, telling Mingi to keep going, to suck harder, to go faster. His body all trembled and he knew he was too much of a goner.

“Stop”, the older spoke and Mingi quickly obeyed. San turned to stare at Yeosang, hand no longer pleasuring himself, now moving slowly, but surely was faster before. “We don’t want the fun to end so fast, do we?”

He wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by that, but the blond still nodded and observed as the younger brunet agreed as well. 

“Hold him still for me, Mingi-yah”, he spoke after a while, and he could hear that he was moving closer to them. “I’m gonna prepare him for you.”

“Oh, how _nice_ of you”, the taller one joked, grasping onto San’s leg and exposing his hole. The pose was a bit uncomfortable for him and he felt embarrassed, but still let them do it, patiently waiting for whatever would come. 

“Everything okay down there?”, Yeosang asked directly at him. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna finger you so Mingi’s dick doesn't hurt you, okay?”

He choked in surprise, not expecting him to ask, but soon clicked his tongue for the same reason. “Do I _not_ look okay? Yeosang, I’m begging you, just fuck me already.”

The duo laughed at his eagerness and soon, with no more words, he heard the sound of some liquid being used and before he could ask the other what it was, he felt something cold and wet entering his rim. It felt so weird at first, and he couldn't help but tension up at the feeling. The older assured him it would get better soon, telling him to relax as Mingi caressed his thighs as he kept his legs spread. San was focusing on his breaths, letting Yeosang do his thing. Eventually he felt more fingers being pressed around the area, entering and opening him slowly and it ached but in a way that made him wish for more. It hurt, but he didn’t hate the sensation. Quite the opposite, he found himself in love with it, wishing it would never end. It felt so good, the way the fingers kept fulling him, hitting deep inside him and making him feel so many waves of pleasure. It was _amazing_.

“If you keep going like this he might come just like that”, the youngest pointed out.

“Maybe that’s exactly my goal”, Yeosang replied back, probably smirking as he kept the pace. “Don’t worry, love, you’ll have him under you in a bit.”

He heard Mingi leave a cuss but aside from that, his own voice was the only sound that echoed along with the wet noises from his hole. And it didn’t take too long before his moans went louder and louder, San shaking onto the younger’s hands holding his legs and he came on his own stomach, the fingers on his prostate still there and it was all so much. He was adoring every second of it.

“San-ah”, the older spoke after he took his time to catch his breath. “You’re still quite hard, huh. You want our Mingi here to fuck you good this bad?”

“Fuck, Yeosang--”

“Answer me, San.”

He gulped, looking to them both, but locking eyes at the taller one. Mingi had something that seemed like shyness and it was adorable how Yeosang could make him look so…  _obedient_. So quiet, so passive.

It was so fucking hot.

“Yes. I want Mingi to use me and make me feel good.”

The oldest smirked. “See, Mingi? He wants your big cock on him. Why don’t you be a good boy and do what he wants?”

Mingi was already flustered, but they both saw how much he reacted at those words, nodding eagerly. He let Yeosang prepare him too, stroking his already hard dick and then putting a condom and lube all over the length. San was dying as he watched their attentions to be on each other and not being touched. Deep down, he wanted to wrap his own palm around his cock and masturbate at the scene, but the desire to be fucked by Mingi was bigger, and so, he tried his best to not do anything and just watch.

Yeosang chuckled at the frustrated noises he did. “Patience, Sannie. You will get it soon.”

He was trying to be patient, but it was almost impossible. It felt like hours had passed, but it was worth it when Mingi turned to him and kissed him full on the lips. He clung to him, arms around his neck and pulling him down. And then he felt the tip entering his hole and he was a mess again, painting around his lips and telling him to go faster. Yeosang laughed at them, though, telling the younger to keep it slow. San caught himself crying, eager to be fucked roughly, but Mingi would never do it without the older’s full permission.

“Please, Yeosang-ah, _fuck_ ”, he nearly screamed. “Please let Mingi fuck me hard, please please _please_ , I need it so bad--”

He heard the older moan his name under his breath, and looking at where he was sitting, he had been thrusting into his own hand as fast as Mingi was fucking into him. Yeosang looked at him, and San smirked. He pulled the other down and kissed him messily, eyes still on the older. “Fuck. Mingi-yah, fuck him as hard as he wants to.”

The taller one didn’t need to be told twice. Without any other word he thrust into San’s hole more and more, the sound of their skin slapping and the blond’s moans growing higher and higher. They both could hear Yeosang’s own voice louder too, most likely fastening his own pace too. And then it was like a domino effect, San coming on his own stomach a second time, then Mingi into the condom as he kept fucking onto him, and then Yeosang into his own hand.

The younger one let himself fall on top of San, cuddling him. He heard footsteps and turned around, wondering where Yeosang had gone to. But was pleased to see him back with towels, cleaning them both and sooner joining them into the bed, big-spooning Mingi.

 **“Was it good for you?”** , the tall brunet asked him after a long period of silence, looking down on him with a pout.

“ _Good_? It was one of the best things that ever happened to me”, he said in a quiet voice, grinning at the younger and giving him a quick peck. “Thank you. And you too, Yeosang-ah.”

“You’re more than welcome”, he said, back hugging him and face next to the nape of his neck. “I could stay here forever.”

“Then do it.”

“Unlike you two, I have a strict boss.”

“Noona will probably get mad at me for not warning her beforehand though”, the artist of the trio explained. He was glad when not only he got an artist to accept him as her apprentice, but that she wasn’t extremely strict about his presence, productivity or lack of a perfect routine. She was really understanding and he adored her for that. But even she had her limits, of course. She was still pretty much a boss to him.

“Yeah, but she did make it clear your hours were flexible. Mines aren’t.”

San turned his head a bit but because of the man in front of him he couldn’t do much, only stare at his birthmark and some of his light brown hair. “Skip this one time. I’m sure he won’t be mad at you for missing one day.”

“Or arrive late. It’s warm here”, the tallest but youngest spoke again, agreeing with the other. 

He couldn’t see him, but he was sure that Yeosang was considering it really hard. Yeah, he needed to keep his job and be responsible and all of that but… Who was he to tell them no?, San thought to himself, knowing damn well the older thought the same. Despite never admitting it out loud, he was really touchy and lived for affection. And, well, so did Mingi too. He was sure he’d oblige to them, especially the dark haired, as their group’s most clingy and second most clingy.

The blond laughed at them as he whispered a ‘fine then’. “Damn. I wish Yunho and Wooyoung were here.”

“What? Us two were not enough? You whore.”

“No, that’s _not_ what I meant!”, he went red at Mingi’s insinuation. “I’m sure it’d be too much if they were in it too. But I meant in the cuddling pile. It would just be more special to me.”

Yeosang left a kiss on his shoulder as the younger smiled at San. “I feel you. But it’s fine, we can arrange that later.”

And he didn’t want to admit it, but that made him excited.

Excited and anxious alike. Because he hadn’t told them his feelings yet and he was so, so afraid of how they’d react, how _he_ would react at their reactions, and how it could definitely harm their dynamics.

 

 

 

 

 

“I can’t do this anymore”, San said one day while they were all having a small yet pleasing chat during breakfast. One that instantly died after his words, his companions staring at him with different expressions. But their emotions were probably all the same. Shock. Maybe fear, too. 

He probably should have picked another set of words to use. But he had been so bothered, so _frustrated_ with the situation, that he needed to say it one way or another. And he wasn’t lying nor exaggerating, the tension between the five of them was too much for him to bear. He had to mention the elephant in the room.

“What do you mean, Sannie?”, Wooyoung started after a while of silence, one that was almost toxic. His voice was full of emotion, probably scared of his words. The older would feel guilty if he wasn’t so tired. “Can’t do what?”

“Do you guys really not feel this?”, he asked in a weak voice. They all kept staring at him weirdly, as if he had suddenly grown a second head. “This weird heaviness every time we are around each other. This will to speak something but refusing to even acknowledge it? It _can’t_ be just me who had noticed it.”

“I don’t think I follow”, Mingi admitted. They all seemed to side with him, either nodding or whispering a _‘me too’_.

San sighed. “What _are_ we? And no joking around, please.”

“We are”, Yunho started slowly, “a bunch of men who used to travel together but now live together. And have sex sometimes.”

“Just that?”, he asked in an impatient tone. “Because I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s what we are. We aren’t just playing house and living under the same roof, sleeping on the same bed and pleasuring each other. There is more in here and it’s impossible that only I can see and feel it.”

The room kept silent, they all avoiding his eyes with either a confused expression or a blank face. It hurt. Seeing them react like that hurt him, but also, deep down he expected something like that. They were all so broken and were just together because fate brought them together or something corny like that. Yeah, they all commonly saw their group as something important in their life, probably the most important thing. But maybe it was because they had nothing else and got too attached to it.

And, if that was the case, it really hurt that maybe only he was the one who actually loved them all. “Maybe I am the only one who feels this and is overthinking all of this. Great. That’s awesome. I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?”, Mingi asked in shock. “To where?”

“I don’t know. Far? Away? Why you care”, he scoffed as he moved towards his belongings. He hated how he had accommodated himself so much that all his stuff were _everywhere_ around the place. At least he already had a destination in head and the keys to the art gallery on his bag. He wouldn’t be as lost as he once were, even if a piece of him would end up getting left behind, but sadly, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to reclaim it. “I can’t stay here if I’m the odd one who surpassed the limits.”

Wooyoung got up, seemingly anxious. “You can’t do this to us, San, especially not after all we been through.”

“Surpassed the limits?”, Yunho frowned as he repeated the words. “ _What_ limits?”

“Yeah, San-ah. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you’re not the odd one, we told you that many times”, the second tallest looked disappointed at that, but he knew it wasn’t at the white haired one. It was at himself.

And that made him annoyed, because he was not responsible for this. It was all San’s fault for letting his feelings change, grow, and become a burden. “I’m sorry. I can’t stay anymore. I know this is important for you all, and I know you think I can’t ruin the fun for you, and I know I butted in too much since I arrived, but I can’t do this to us. There is a limit between fucking around and catching feelings, so I’m retreating with them.”

“Choi San, you fucking idiot”, the only one who hasn’t spoken at all until then said in a low tone, voice hoarse. It made him shiver, losing his cool for a bit, but he composed himself just as fast. San watched as the older got up and walked towards himself and he feared he’d get punched. He had never seen Yeosang that annoyed, that mad. He gulped down, waiting for his next move. Waiting for him to explode and preparing himself to get even more hurt.

But he would never get ready for what actually came. Because he could never imagine it happening before his eyes.

“I love you, dipshit”, he said in a calm voice, one that that was followed by a forced smile, but none of these were enough to mask his anger. “Fuck, Choi San, I love you so damn much it’s _stupid_. Your annoyingly sweet personality of putting others before yourself is so endearing yet frustrating, the way you smile even when you’re having it tough and how you’re always there for us when we are having our problems. How you literally are helping all of us to improve as human beings while ignoring the fact that you are one too who needs to be taken care of, it makes me want to hug you then shake you so you fucking wake up. And if you think that you have surpassed any damn limits that we haven’t really established in the first place because of _feelings_ , then I have some news for you. At least _half_ of us did the same mistake as you. So don’t you fucking dare get out of that door for a reason as foolish as this one.”

The room remained silent for a while again, with San staring at the older without knowing what to say. 

“How romantic”, Yunho deadpanned, to which Mingi nodded. 

“That was probably the most he spoke at once during all his life.”

“Shut up, you too”, Wooyoung said slapping them both and rolling his eyes. “You’re all so annoying and just ruined Yeosangie’s moment. I can’t believe I love your dumbasses.”

“Love”, San whispered, eyeing the one closest to him. “You love me. And you”, he pointed at their youngest, “you do too.”

The younger scoffed. “ _Duh_.”

“What is there not to believe it?”, Yeosang asked, tone now nicer. “You’re an amazing person, who never judged us and even tried so hard to bring our best out. And despite these three not being that great at the moment, they have their charm and I love them too.”

“You do?”, Yunho asked in a low tone.

“I indirectly told you that before”, he said annoyed, turning to him. “Why wouldn’t I be glad you love us if I didn’t as well? Are you going to say you didn’t think about it? Or that you don’t feel the same?”

He cleaned his throat, noticing he was now the centre of all of their attentions. “Well. Yeah, I did. When you told me I didn’t let my love get consumed when it came for us… it made me overthink a lot. And I’m not gonna deny it. Because you’re right, I do love you all.”

Mingi kept looking back and forth at them all. “When was that? This talk.”

“Since we moved in”, the youngest of the two said. “The move-in party.

The smallest of the five of them crossed his arms over his chest, unsure if he should laugh or scoff at the scene. “Are you really just realizing _now_ we’re all very gay and in love?”

San was astonished. He couldn’t get it. He kept staring at the four of them, who were casually discussing their feelings, throwing _the_ word around easily as if it wasn’t a big of a deal to say it. “What the fuck.”

They all turned to look at him, face confused. It was frustrating how calm they looked back at him.

“Are you fucking telling me you _all_ felt this? And no one decided to open up? And I was literally about to get the hell out of your lives because I thought I was the only one who got caught up on his feelings and fell in love with you all?”

He watched as they all shared glares, looking around each one of them. It would be funny to see their reactions, some realizing on spot and some wanting to slap themselves - or the other four? - for their own dumb actions over _feelings_. He had spent a couple of nights awake because he couldn’t stop overthinking about how much he liked them, loved them, how much he’d suffer if he needed to leave if it was just a thing he felt alone, but that it would be a pain he’d endure if it was needed. If it was one-sided. And he was ready to endure it, but instead, they were… discussing about being obviously already in love and very domestic.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you all.”

Wooyoung loudly laughed at that. “Sure you will, boo.”

San groaned. “Why haven’t any of you said anything? Did I really have to make a show for us to have this conversation?”, he asked frustratedly. Seeing no one was replying, he clicked his tongue. “No, I did not!”

“Hey, on my defence I was still processing it”, their tallest spoke. “Yeosang just out of the blue said I had love for you all and it was like a reality check for me. It made me think about it, and mind you, I was still thinking about it.”

The other nodded. “Me too.”

“But it’s been months since then! We could have talked about it and we would get a conclusion sooner.”

Mingi raised a brow. “And what about you?”

“I’m talking about it right now, aren’t I?”, San sighed. “I admit it had been a while since it first crossed my mind. But I didn’t keep it to myself. So, what about you two?”

“My dumb gay realization was recent, okay! And I was scared to talk about it, that’s the only reason why I haven’t!”, the short one spoke hurriedly. “I had dropped one bomb not too long ago and the fight was quite tough, even if it ended well I didn’t want to drop another one so recently! And at you all rather than just one”, he crossed his arm again. “I’m excused, unlike _some_ other people.”

“Whatever”, Yeosang rolled his eyes. 

“Well, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I cared for you on that level”, Mingi shrugged, but his tone was sad. “Until now, I guess. I haven’t really felt any romantic attachment to anyone since… since Jongho. I had honestly forgotten what it meant to love someone and once it hit me that I could be feeling this I did my best to conceal it. But…”, he sighed. “I guess it’s impossible to keep going with it. And well, I do remember now what it’s like to love someone. And by that, I mean you all.”

“Do we really need to have this conversation?”, their oldest tilted his head. “Weren’t we okay until now? What would change having this conversation?”

“ _Everything_ ”, San whispered and then left another scoff. “Am I the only one who cares about it? I was so afraid of screwing things up because of feelings, I needed to have a ground under my feet.”

“You wouldn’t ruin anything”, Wooyoung assured. “Besides, if you hadn’t snapped I would probably have.”

“You didn’t say a thing.”

“I told you, Yeosang-ah!”, he pouted. “And as stated before, I was scared. But I would eventually bring it up, when I felt less frightened. I understand San’s point, this is scary to bring up and I’m glad he was the one who did it. I would have screwed it up.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that”, Mingi spoke again. “Having this conversation was good anyway, regardless of how it was brought up or _how_ it could be brought up. So we can all be on the same page and not let anything get in our way.”

“ _Thank you_ ”, the white haired said fiercely.

Yunho pouted. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive. Sorry.” 

“It’s fine”, he assured, giving him a smile. And then a sigh. This was all very assuring, very comforting, but it still made him a bit annoyed. “Somehow I’m always the one kicking you out of your shells.”

“And we’re thankful for that.”

"Next time I’m gonna kick you out of it”, he threatened the oldest, staring right into him. And he had the nerve to not be threatened _at all_ , just laughing at his reaction. “You can’t demand me to speak more and then not do it yourselves.”

He heard some of the others sigh, the rest, lowering their heads. “It’s hard, okay. Feelings are hard”, Yeosang admitted. “I would never say it out loud if someone didn’t push it first.”

“I know”, San replied. “I know damn well how hard it is. But we’re supposed to if we want to make it work. And I do. I want it to work it out. You’re very important to me and I would probably die a very painful death without you. So, please, let us all change for the best, yes? For _our_ sake?”

Yunho raised his head, staring at the younger ones. Mingi grinned at his word, eyes shining. Wooyoung too smiled widely, nodding at his words. 

“For our sake”, Yeosang said, breaking the silence.”

The white haired felt light at the scene, his worries vanishing off as he dropped his bag on the floor. “I love you, fucking assholes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have so much to talk about this au despite writing thousand and THOUSAND of words for it.......... i could write a long ass notes here about how i came up with x, why y happened, some fun fact of this au that wasn't added on either parts, but i decided to.... not do it. my notes are always so big and most of the time people don't even care THAT much............. but, if you do and/or are curious about something in particular, you can always hit me up on my sns, especially curiouscat and i'll blab nonstop ajfhajhsdjfsjdf i kinda wanna make a third part to give it a proper disclosure, especially since i thought of making a final scene but it felt Off and weird. however after taking so long to finish this i think i cant really do it, not right now. so, yeah, this is probably the end of disgrace au! thank you for reading this massive thing!!!!!! and for the kudos and comments and curiouscat confessions i got in this few months (since i started the first fic it's been nine months. that's a child), and also thank you for no one trying to neck me as this kept being postponed (except for [you](https://curiouscat.me/heecheondo/post/958597265), of course) haha...... it's all much appreciated!!!!!!!! have a good day/night/life and we'll maybe meet in other fics :~)

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/heecheondo) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/heecheondo) | [other links/about me](https://heecheondo.carrd.co/)


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